Sick Jokes (very Very Offensive) Be Warned

[Conrad]

Two midgets win the lottery and since they were so poor before and due to their stature they didn't get many women they decide to get a hooker each.

They get seperate hotel room next door to each other and the first midget trys all night to get a erection but he just can't. To make matters worse all he can hear the the room next door is '1 2 3 HUH, 1 2 3 HUH, 1 2 3 HUH' all night long.

The next day he tells friend of his erection problems and before he can congratulate him on his night of passions his companion interupts and says, 'You think that's bad, I couldn't even get on the bed!'

[Mugga123]

I was in a car accident today, and to make matters worse when the other party got out of the car, the bloke was only around 5 foot or so, and since I was at fault says to me "I'm not happy" I turned to him and said to him "Well mate, which one are you then?"

[collesfracture]

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes
one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the
window.

Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins
to stroke her thigh.

As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatolegical
abnormalities."

"That's right," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts.

"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks.

"Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps of breast
cancer."

"That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual
intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm
doing now?"

"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes."

[collesfracture]

Three guys are in a Cessna. The first drops a penny out the window. The
second drops a pencil and the third a bomb. When the plane lands, the
first guy goes to see where the penny landed. He sees a guy swearing and
trying to get a penny out of his forehead. The second sees a girl holding
her dog who has a pencil through his head. The third guy sees a guy
laughing his head off. He asks, "Why are you laughing?" The guy says, "I
was cooking on my BBQ when I farted..." "What's so funny about that?" "It
blew my neighbor's house apart!"

[collesfracture]

A Blonde drops off a shirt at the cleaners.
The Asian lady behind the counter thanks her, and says "Come Again".
The Blonde says "No, it's toothpaste this time you nosey bitch"

[knightlover001]

A population control program had been introduced in a remote village, but the doctors were having trouble getting the women to take their birth control pills. They decided, therefore, to concentrate on teaching the men to wear condoms.

Doctor told Sardarji, who had 4 children in four years, that he absolutely had to wear a condom. Doctor explained that as long as he wore it his wife could not have another baby.

About a month later Sardarji’s wife, came to the Hospital and said she was pregnant. The doctor got very angry. He called Sardarji into his room and gave him a long lecture through an interpreter. He asked Sardarji why he hadn't worn the condom.

The interpreter said, "He swears he did wear it. He never took it off."

The doctor shook his head. "In that case, ask him how in the heck his wife is pregnant again?"

"He says," said the interpreter, "that after six days he had to pee so badly that he cut the end off."

[knightlover001]

There was a German, an Italian and an Indian Sardarji on death row. The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:

To be shot
To be hung
To be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.

The German said, "Shoot me right in the head." (Boom, he was dead instantly.)

Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." (Snap, he was dead.)

Then Banta said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff."

They gave him the shot, and Sardarji fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with the Sardarji.

Then sardarji said, "Give me another one of those shots." So the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.

Finally the warden asked Sardarji, "What is wrong with you?"

Sardarji replied, "You guys are so stupid..... I'm wearing a condom!"

[knightlover001]

Sardarji wakes up in the morning. He has a massive hangover and can't remember anything that he did last night. He picks up his robe from the floor and puts it on.

He notices that there's something in one of the pockets and it turns out to be a bra.

Sardarji thinks, "Hell, what happened last night?"

He walks towards the bathroom and finds a panty in the other pocket of his robe.

Again Sardarji thinks, "What happened last night, what have I done? Must have been a wild party."

He opens the bathroom door, walks in and has a look in the mirror.

He notices a little string hanging out of his mouth and his only thought is, "If there's a god, please let this be a teabag!"

[pervipete]

Old MacDonald had tourettes

E.I..E.I..E.I..cunt

[pervipete]

A bloke walks into the pub and asks for a pint of anything but Stella.

"whats wrong with Stella?" the barman asks

"Well says the man, last time I had twelve pints of Stella I woke up fucking skint"

"Well" the barman replies "twelve pints of anything will leave you skint"

The man looks and says "Skint's the name of my dog"

[pervipete]

Seven dwarves have an audience with the pope.

"Go on Dopey, ask him" chant the other six

Dopey blushes and goes "Sir, are there nuns in Alaska"

And the Pope replies, "yes my son, there are nuns in Alaska"

"Go on Dopey, ask him" the others chant again

"And sir, are there black nuns in Alaska"

And again the Pope patiently replies "yes my son, there are black nuns in Alaska"

"Go on Dopey ask him" the others chant yet again

"and sir, are there dwarf, black nuns in Alaska"

the Pope sighs, "no my son, there isn't any dwarf, black nuns in Alaska"

At which the news the other six dwarves start jumping in the air chorusing

"Dopey fucked a penquin, Dopey fucked a penquin"

[knightlover001]

A very well-built young blonde was lying on her psychiatrist's couch telling him how frustrated she was since she always failed at everything she seemed to try.

"I've tried to be a secretary and failed," she complained. "I tried to be an actress and failed. Then, I tried sales and I failed at that too."

The doctor thought for a moment and then said, "It is important for everyone to live a full and meaningful life. Have you tried nursing?"

She thought about his suggestion for a second, then opened her blouse and revealed one of her luscious breasts.

Pointing it at the doctor, she said, "OK, I'll give it a try."

[collesfracture]

There are two gay guys inside an old abandoned house having anal sex, when suddenly one realizes they're out of Vaseline! So one of the guys tells the other he'll be back in a while, with more Vaseline, and not to jack-off. Later, when he returns, he sees cum all over the walls and floor. This angers him and enraged he asks the other guy, "Why did you jack-off?" Then the other gay says, "I didn't jack-off, I farted."

[knightlover001]

After just two days of driving through Mexico, Jim was sick and tired of Mexicans.

"They hate Americans," he told his wife, "and I swear to God - the next one I see, "I'm gonna make that son of a bitch suffer!"

As it happened, Jim's anger was such that he didn't look where he was going, and rear ended a brawny farmer in a pickup truck. The Mexican came over and leaned in Jim's window.

"Why you hit my truck?"

"Because I can't stand you or any other Mexican greaseballs!" Jim ranted. "In fact, if you're man enough, I'm gonna come out and kick the shit out of you!"

The Mexican motioned Jim out. "I’ll make a deal with you," he said. "If you win, you take my truck. If I win, not only do I fuck your wife, but you will hold my balls to keep them off the hot street."

Jim agreed and fought. Later, Jim was smiling as he and his wife drove off.

"I told you I'd make some Mexican suffer!" he gloated.

His wife looked at him. "What the hell are you talking about?"

Jim smiled, "Didn't you hear how he screamed when I dropped his balls on the asphalt?"

[collesfracture]

Originally Posted by pervipete

Seven dwarves have an audience with the pope.

"Go on Dopey, ask him" chant the other six

Dopey blushes and goes "Sir, are there nuns in Alaska"

And the Pope replies, "yes my son, there are nuns in Alaska"

"Go on Dopey, ask him" the others chant again

"And sir, are there black nuns in Alaska"

And again the Pope patiently replies "yes my son, there are black nuns in Alaska"

"Go on Dopey ask him" the others chant yet again

"and sir, are there dwarf, black nuns in Alaska"

the Pope sighs, "no my son, there isn't any dwarf, black nuns in Alaska"

At which the news the other six dwarves start jumping in the air chorusing

"Dopey fucked a penquin, Dopey fucked a penquin"

[knightlover001]

Originally Posted by Mugga123

When I was a teenager, I used to pray every night that the girl next door would fancy me so I could make love to her.

When I grew up, I realised God didn't work like that, so I raped her and prayed for forgiveness.

[collesfracture]

A tribe in the jungle consider farting after every meal to be a sign of power, however the chief of the tribe finds it extremely difficult to fart.

His servant goes to the doctor and say "big chief, no fart" so the doctor gives him a pill

The next day the servant goes back to the doctor and says "big chief, still no fart" so the doctor gives him a big pill the size of his hand

On the third day the servant goes back and says "big cheif still not fart" so the doctor gives a pill the size of a football

The next day the servant comes back and says to the doctor "big fart,no chief!"

[collesfracture]

Two guys are walking down the street and see a dog on the lawn, licking his balls.

One guy says to the other, "Man, I sure wish I could do that".

The other guy says, "Don't you think you ought to pet him first?"

[collesfracture]

Q: Why did the Koala fall out of the tree?

A: Because it was dead.


Q: Why did the tree fall over?

A: The koala never let go.


Q: Why did the kangaroo die?

A: Because the koala landed on it.

[collesfracture]

A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."