Being a Bitch

[gaggirl]

Ive been doing alot of thinking on this lately. The reason why I will post at the end of this message.

Since Ive rejoined the swinging scene Ive noticed how cranky and bitchy Ive become or perhaps its really that now I have another outlet to vent my fristrations! So many time wasters, liars, and so many assholes that are covering up their bullyish true colours with a thin veneer of cool and charm. Most of the time I catch them out before I meet them but a few have slipped through the cracks.

And you know how they say the very thing you hate is usually the same thing you dont like about yourself? I have become so cynnical and untrusting, and using my sharp tongue and block function a little too much.
I'm starting to be paranoid that I am such a bitch that I am just too hard to get along with?? I've gotten rid of all the guys I've seen just because.

Why are my expectations of behaviour so high? I just dont want to put up with BS that's all.... and I tell it like it is. I know what I want and what I dont want. And if I sense I'm not getting the real deal, I cut them off no questions asked. I've always been like this, and had the last laugh at those pre marriage guys that suggested my standards were too high and that I was "missing out" because of it, when I married someone who did meet those standards (and I dont know how the hell he puts up with me) Anyway, maybe finding such a great husband was more good luck than good management?

So here is why I'm wondering if Ive been going about everything all wrong. I learnt a lesson last week:

A man from new zealand was visiting my home town, but because he neglected to tell me he was coming to see me via train instead of own transport I hit the roof because it meant that I was obligated then to pick him up and drop him off. (I am an INTJ and I HATE my plans being changed on me! I like everything under a semblance of control and time frames adhered to as close as possible) And what if he was a wanker or a dud in bed? How long was I going to be stuck with entertaining him?? Which also meant that he was by now extremely late for the agreed time another thing I hate.

So in amongst the texting back and forth with me being a right bitch so angry that I couldnt stop it even though he was being apologetic, I told him if he wasnt on the train right that moment, to forget it!!

An hour or so later I get a text and hes at the damn station. So my bitching didnt deter him, and by the time I had him in the sack boy I was glad he ignored my message! He was probably the best in terms of athleticism and passion that Ive had in the last two months.... I ended up driving him unasked the whole 45 mins each way to the GC because I was happy with his company and would love to see him when he comes back one day.

Now if he had not totally ignored my bitchy messages and told me to get fucked -like I would have done, I wouldn't have met him and enjoyed the experience.

Another illustration that pointed out to me I have a bitch issue:

Cue in man I met spur of the moment on a chat. He actually scared the crap out of me when he turned up because he wasnt so much the suave man I expected but more like a young drunk belligerant grizzy adams. After freaking out quietly and stupidly still letting him inside (and madly texting my husband to not stay at his playmates much longer on my account). I regretted my clothing choice and was trying to cover up my boobs the whole time and being as cold a fish as I could get away with "No I dont do any drugs I like clean livin" (because he was obviously a party type of person and appeared stoned lol) I also told him no I wasnt fucking him, and no way was I kissing him with that beard anyway.

He didnt quit hassling me until I caved, and as it turned out he was actually a very clean sweet smelling well endowed guy. I still laughed when he tried to kiss me and turned away hehe... still, I loved fucking this guy.

The next morning and just about every day since he chased me for a repeat rendezvous. I dont know why I was holding off, but I guess I was. He got shittier about it and a little jealous of another person I was talking to, but I refused to be his "slave" and I got annoyed at his final tantrum: "well dont use me as a plan b I need notice and I have a life too you know!" So my response was "if anything its you who has been trying to organise things short notice so dont give me that attitude. How about I dont contact you at all since your get your knickers in such a knot!" Block. I knew he was hurting.. so why did I have to take it to that level and not just let him vent?

Am I really that mean? that fickle? Am I any better than those assholes on the swinger site? How do change it without compromising what I'm prepared to accept in my life? How the fuck do I control my temper?

[justmetoo]

It sounds to me like your expectations are a proper level. I don't think that is one thing you really want to compromise on. I tried lowering mine once and it ended up being a very frustrating situation for me - one that I most certainly was not happy with. So I'd stick with higher expectations for the time being.

What might be happening is that you are judging people a bit too quickly by your standards. Kind of like thinking a present sucks when you've not even unwrapped it in my mind. You base it on the wrapping paper or maybe the weight or the manner it was presented to you. I guess my suggestion to be more open minded at the appropriate time because you never know what might really happen?

Guy #2 should have known to back off just a little. I've seen this before when we've brought guys into our bedroom. They seem to think that what might be a one time deal is all of a sudden a long term commitment that we were not ready for. He kept calling and it got really annoying. The swinger lifestyle is full of guys like that and I can easily see you running across one and probably more in the future. This is something you should be able to screen though by setting expectations early on.

I guess for me the bottom line is that I wouldn't compromise and if people think me an asshole (in my case) then so be it. It doesn't mean I'm high maintenance or a slob or whatever - it is what I am. It's up to others to decide if I'm right for them, not for me to bend them to my ideals, something that will never work anyway.

[gaggirl]

thanks justmetoo.. your RIGHT its in the presentation...or the manner in which they pretend themselves to me that I assess them on mostly.

But in saying that Im deciding the present is probably shit before I open it, does that mean I should open all presents? I have a slut complex lol I am quite gregarious sexually and dont have guilt, and if there wasnt a stigma attached to being that way I would be like a pig in mud. but I do worry that Ill end up getting men with the wrong idea, men that think because I am so forthright and not into wasting time and with a high drive, that therefore I dont want to chat to them or cuddle or anything, thinking that Im good to talk to only when they feel horny again. I dont want that. As it is in the last two months, Ive slept with alot of men in the quest for playmates, so the random man really wasnt the goal. Out of all of them most were duds, with two of them Ive seen twice, but none will be for a third time.

[justmetoo]

I have no ideal how you filter guys out but I am to assume that you aren't the pig in the mud right now. There are things you're going to have to ask them. And you need to be indirect about it because if you ask the guy direct he's going to tell you what he thinks you want to hear. Go back to what criteria you use to decide if you're going to sleep with the guy. Write it down. Name, likes, dislikes. Sooner or later you're going to find some commonalities in the guys that were one time shots that you can use to start avoiding them if you want to. Finding the attributes in a guy you are going to be interested in more than 3 times is going to be harder as there may end up being a lot of second time guys before you hit the one you are looking for.

[gaggirl]

god I can see Im going to run myself ragged. thanks for the tip though I never thought about writing it down and getting to the commonalities. They do say whatever they think you want to hear!

I met two decent guys for coffee yesterday out and ab out so no distractions or temptations. Both are into bdsm off their own bat, and though they arent what I usually go for and though we talked about normal stuff and I saw their face before playing (damn) theres a little quiver of excitement wondering what they would be like in a playing situation Maybe they would be good at mind fucking? The shorter guy was in the army so I dont have to worry about him being able to take me down hard.

[menace]

Bitch is someone who is mean to people for no reason or because putting others down makes her lift up. So no, you are not a bitch.

Being mean to someone because they don't measure up to your standards is being a hard ass. That you are

As for compromise and standards, the question is not if they're too high but if they are graded. If you have just 'perfect' and 'garbage' then you will get a LOT of garbage. If in between the two there are categories of say 'acceptable' 'good' and 'very good' the level of 'garbage' will go down drastically. You seem to me somewhere between the two.

Knowing what you want is a good start, but not the end of the road. The next step is to ask how badly do I want it? Do I absolutely must have or can I live without it? This may seems like a form of settling, but it's not. It's simply being mature enough to accept that you will not always get your way. Which leads me to the last question...

Honestly, I don't see how you can get your temper in check unless you stop being a control freak. Fact of life is that none of us are lords of the universe; the unexpected will happen. I came recently upon a piece that I think sums it up perfectly:

10% of your life you cannot control. The rest of it depends on your reaction to the 10%.

[gaggirl]

Okay so I'm according to RB men I am not a bitch, just someone who's hardass, unforgiving and sharp witted and fork tongued, with a fat control streak. Hard task master Ive been called that a few times too. Sometimes I have said things just because I can and because it amuses me to do it but I sometimes feel a smidgen bad about it...that isnt bitchy? or is it because I dont always feel good about it, Is that kind of what you mean?

As for me *not* being a control freak? no way! no how! I am glad that this element of my personality can apparently be accepted because I was wondering if all the above things combined were actually becoming an unacceptable part of my character. So long as it doesn't attract the more submissive of the male population.

[Sierra]

Gaggirl - I have one question for you.

Just exactly what is wrong with being a bitch?

It means that you are strong and take no shit just because you're female. It means you fight for your friends and for yourself. It means you know your own mind, know your own abilities, and know who you can trust. It means you don't give a rat's ass what "everybody else" thinks or does. It means that you do not settle and you do not tolerate fools gladly. I call that admirable, and I wear my Bitch Badge quite proudly.

If you take just the tiniest bit of pleasure from deflating egos, all things considered that can be forgiven, I think.

[menace]

Originally Posted by gaggirl

Okay so I'm according to RB men I am not a bitch, just someone who's hardass, unforgiving and sharp witted and fork tongued, with a fat control streak. Hard task master Ive been called that a few times too. Sometimes I have said things just because I can and because it amuses me to do it but I sometimes feel a smidgen bad about it...so the difference is the bitch doesn't? Is that kind of what you mean?

As for me *not* being a control freak? no way! no how! I am glad that this element of my personality can apparently be accepted because I was wondering if all the above things combined were actually becoming an unacceptable part of my character. So long as it doesn't attract the more submissive of the male population.

Yeah, pretty much.

Like I said, if controlling things is important to you, you're going to lose your temper when things do go according to plan. Maybe shift your mental focus from how things are fucked up to how to go about fixing them?

I think it's perfectly fine though as long as you issue a warning, lol

Originally Posted by Sierra

Gaggirl - I have one question for you.

Just exactly what is wrong with being a bitch?

It means that you are strong and take no shit just because you're female. It means you fight for your friends and for yourself. It means you know your own mind, know your own abilities, and know who you can trust. It means you don't give a rat's ass what "everybody else" thinks or does. It means that you do not settle and you do not tolerate fools gladly. I call that admirable, and I wear my Bitch Badge quite proudly.

If you take just the tiniest bit of pleasure from deflating egos, all things considered that can be forgiven, I think.

Sierra, that's not a bitch. That's a woman with confidence which I find hot.

Bitches are women who compensate their insecurities with aggression. The female version of douchebag.

[gaggirl]

Nothing - I love bitches personally Amanda on Melrose PLace was one of my role models lol

Except I was thinking that I was becoming too bitchy and starting to miss out on good things because of my inability to be tolerant and patient and laid back... with my sword always at the ready to cut, always waiting for them to do the wrong thing, always ready to call "strike one your out!"

Ordinarily it wouldn't be a problem (because Ive been this way for years and years) its only a problem in that I dont now have any solid roleplay partners back on the scene but I have this incredible desire and drive to fullfill the fantasy, so I feel like Ive been shooting myself in the foot by turning almost all the would be rapacious knights in dubious armour away.

xxx

[gaggirl]

Originally Posted by menace

Yeah, pretty much.

Like I said, if controlling things is important to you, you're going to lose your temper when things do go according to plan. Maybe shift your mental focus from how things are fucked up to how to go about fixing them?

I think it's perfectly fine though as long as you issue a warning, lol



Sierra, that's not a bitch. That's a woman with confidence which I find hot.

Bitches are women who compensate their insecurities with aggression. The female version of douchebag.

maybe this is the problem. We have a discrepancy between what constitutes a bitch and what doesnt! I thought I was a bitch, Ive been told I have a strong streak of bitch, here Im told I am not a bitch at all. I thought that someone who was a female douchbag would be more called a mole?

[TheOneSolo]

I'm going to do something different, which is talk like I talk in real life as I respond to this post.

Originally Posted by gaggirl

Am I really that mean?

It really doesn't matter how mean you think you are, or how mean others might think you are. You are a grown ass woman, and can think and feel as you please. You don't owe anyone shit, and for those who have a problem with it, they can find other people to swing with.

It's not like you are looking for a relationship, and in and of itself, it is ego gratification, plain and simple. That goes for you and for the people that you associate with.

We are who we are, and most of us wont change, and wouldn't want to change even if we could.

In my analysis, the way you act, is actually a good thing. In your lifestyle, you don't have time for the bullshit, and you being "mean" I look at as a defense mechanism. It keeps you safe, and keeps your emotions in check.

Yes it is possible that it may make you miss out on some things, however it may also protect you from things.

Originally Posted by gaggirl

that fickle?

Hmmm, you are into things that would not be considered the norm from a world view, but from our view, it is normal, and I don't see anything fickle about the way you act, or how you treat people.

What's going to happen, you are going to make some poor sap cry or hurt his feelings. Well boo-hoo for him. In in the end, its all about you, so why should even care about the other person. They want something, and you want something, and if all goes well, its a win win situation. No one can complain. If something doesn't go right, or you just blast someone right out of the gate, or get pissed off at them, and block them, oh well, that is life, because again, its all about you.

My philosophy tells me to be selfless, and I do follow it, and in the same sentence there are times when I say "fuck it" cause hey it's all about me. I don't see that making me fickle cause I want to make myself happy, and you shouldn't take what you do, or how you treat people as fickle.

Originally Posted by gaggirl

Am I any better than those assholes on the swinger site?

You really can't say that you are better or worse. What you can say is, that at the end of the day, you want to go to sleep happy, and content and feel good about the decisions you made. Again, fuck the other person, who cares. You got your shit deal with, and they got theirs. You shouldn't care at all about their feelings, or what they think.

Now if you actually became friends with someone that you was swinging with, that is one thing, however, I'm almost certain that both parties are using each other to get what they want. Each person should only care about the other person enough to get what they want. They aren't your husband, and you are not their wife.

From your point of view, there are thousands of men, that can give you want you want, the way you want it. If a few get their feelings hurt, or you just blow them off, oh well, because from their point of view, there are thousands of females that can give them what they want. If they can't get it from you, or you blow up at them, block them or whatever, they can just move on to the next. No big deal.

For anyone who thinks otherwise, then maybe they aren't cut out for swinging, and maybe they should just get married and live a boring vanilla life.

Originally Posted by gaggirl

How do change it without compromising what I'm prepared to accept in my life?

This is a tricky question. It's like a heroine addict saying they want to still feel the high from the drug, without the side effects, or without them getting the urges to do anything to get the drug.

I'm not so sure that you can change it, and still be as effective as you are in doing what you do.

As I said earlier, the way you act, acts as a shield. It protects your emotions. If you changed that, you would be vulnerable to things that you would not be vulnerable to now, which would inevitably make you unhappy.

The fact that you wrote this post, means that you are either unhappy, or unsure about your actions when it comes to how you treat people. That being said, you still get what you want, when it comes to fantasy rape, which pleases you, especially when it's done right.

Its like an impossible balancing act. Life is not perfect, and you shouldn't expect it to be. I'm not saying that you are trying to get it perfect, but what you want to change about yourself, will automatically comprise who you are, which would defeat the purpose of the change in the first place.

From my point of view, you are not broken, so don't try to fix yourself. This is of course a subjective response, cause I personally like woman with bitchy attitudes. The bitchier the better, that shit turns me on.

Originally Posted by gaggirl

How the fuck do I control my temper?

You could do self-esoteric neuro-linguistic programming, or see a hypnotherapist, or an acupuncturist, or do yoga and Tai Chi blah blah blah, blah blah blah. But I'm sure all of this you already know and have tried, and if there is something that you haven't tried, it probably wont work anyway.

So my solution is to embrace it. You might have a better chance controlling it, if you accept that, that is just the way you are.

I've attempted to work on my own temper, which is very very bad. The way I worked on it, is to be around things that get me pissed, and try to stay as calm as possible as long as I can. Once my limit is reached, I get away from it. Over the years, gradually, I've become more tolerant, and don't flip out so easily, because I've trained myself to take a little bit more and a little bit more.

If this is something that you can't do, then it should be clear, that you really don't want to change, hence the idea of just embracing it.

On another note, I'm sorry to see that you are going through this internal turmoil. I wish I could wave my magic wand, and make it all better, but last week, someone got me pissed off, and I broke my wand over their head.

In closing, I think you are fine just the way you are. You've always been nice to me, and even the one time that we almost went at each other, it was quickly and maturely resolved. So I don't see what the problem is. If there is a problem, it's probably the other person.

-CLK-

[justmetoo]

Maybe we should just tie her tight to the bed and see if she's a bitch then?

Might just be a matter of perspective.

[pantyhosethief]

Originally Posted by TheOneSolo

... This is a tricky question. It's like a heroine addict saying they want to still feel the high from the drug, without the side effects, or without them getting the urges to do anything to get the drug.

I love the idea of a "heroine addict" I can't get enough heroines. myself...

Sorry for the cheap shot... couldn't resist it.

(I tried to come up with a useful serious answer, but I couldn't add anything much to what TheOneSolo already said. Don't be cruel is my advice. I am, sometimes, then I hate myself later But being angry, or rejecting people you don't much like, in itself is no shame, it's just being honest. And if they don't like it, that's their problem.

[TheOneSolo]

Originally Posted by pantyhosethief

I love the idea of a "heroine addict" I can't get enough heroines. myself...

Sorry for the cheap shot... couldn't resist it.

Don't worry about it mate, I didn't hire you as my personal editor for nothing. + rep