Knightlover001 Jokes Collection

[knightlover001]

A hippie on a city bus notices a young nun sitting across from him and at once finds himself very attracted to her. He moves to sit with her and after telling her that she is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen, he asks her to dinner. The nun declines, and the hippie proceeds to invite the nun for "perhaps a roll in the hay". The nun, of course, declines the offer and gets off at the next stop. The hippie, offended and very disappointed, strikes up a conversation with the bus driver.

The driver leans over and says to the hippie, "You really want that nun, huh?"

After the hippie nods emphatically and demonstrates his point with several lewd gestures, the driver grins and thinks for a moment.

"Well," he says, "Every Thursday at six PM she takes this bus to the local cemetery, where she prays for about an hour. You two could be alone there...".

The hippie grows excited as he thinks of a plan. Thursday comes and the hippie waits by the entrance to the cemetery. Sure enough, at six PM he sees the nun enter and he quietly follows her. She stops and kneels by a headstone and clasps her hands in prayer. The eager hippie opens his knapsack, and puts on his costume---a long flowing white robe and a bearded face mask. He tosses a handful of glitter at the nun and catching her attention, he steps slowly towards her.

"My child" he says in a soft voice, "It is I, your Lord. You have been such a faithful servant to me, I have come to reward you with a satisfying sexual experience."

The nun gasps, "Oh....Well, that is fine, but could you take me from behind? At least that way I could still consider myself a virgin. My vow of celibacy is important to me."

The hippie, eager to get going nods and takes the nun in his arms. He turns her around, bends her over, and performs anal sex until they are both pleasantly worn out. After they are finished, the hippie pulls off his mask and shouts...

"HAHA, I`M THE HIPPIE!!!"

to which the nun responds by taking off her mask and shouting...
"HAHA, I`M THE BUS DRIVER!!!"

[knightlover001]

A pissed off wife was complaining about her husband spending all his time at the bar, so one night he took her along.

“What’ll ya have?” he asked.

“Oh, I don’t know. The same as you I suppose,” she replied.

So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel’s and threw his down in one go. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.

“Yuck, it’s nasty poison” she spluttered. “I don’t know how you can drink this stuff!”

“Well, there you go,” cried the husband. “And you think I’m out enjoying myself every night!”

[knightlover001]

A mother and her daughter were visiting the grave of a loved one, when on their way back to the car the little girl stopped her mom. She said “Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?”

“Of course not, sweetheart.” her mother replied, “Why ever would you ask such a question?”

“The headstone back there said ‘Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.’

[knightlover001]

TOP TEN REASONS WHY BEER IS BETTER THAN RELIGION


10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.
9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.
8. Beer has never caused a major war.
7. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves.
6. When you have a Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away.
5. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of Beer.
4. You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer.
3. There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie to you.
2. You can prove you have a Beer.
1. If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help.

[knightlover001]

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is admitted. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and, as is the wont for engineers, starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks, "So how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flushing toilets and working escalators, and there's no telling what an engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"

[knightlover001]

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and "The Titanic"?
A: They know how many men went down on "The Titanic".

[APRIL MORN.]

The women--we count too; right---lol

[batffink]

Originally Posted by knightlover001

One evening Sardarji’s wife was walking down the street when she was approached by a man.

The man said, "I must have you right now! I'll drop $ 10 on the ground at your feet and in the time it takes for you to pick it up I can have my way with you from behind!"

Sardarji’s wife thought it over and told him to wait a minute. She called Sardarji on her phone and told her about the man's proposition.

Sardarji said "When he drops the $ 10 on the ground, I'm sure you can pick it up and run before he gets his pants down. Call me back and tell me what happened."

Half an hour later Sardarji’s wife called Sardarji.

"What happened?" asked Sardarji.

Sardarji’s wife, "That son-of-a bitch had $ 10 in cents."

Are you sure he wasn't a Scotsman. That's the sort of mean fucking trick we would pull. (On second thoughts it might have been a Texan, there is one of those cunning motherfuckers on this board that I know of and I wouldn't put it past him) Great thread my friend.

[knightlover001]

Originally Posted by APRIL MORN.

The women--we count too; right---lol

Yeah April.

[knightlover001]

Originally Posted by Newland

Good one!I know plenty of blonde jokes...

Hey we are eager to read them. Please can you post them when you have time ? Thanks for coming in, buddy.

[knightlover001]

Originally Posted by batffink

Are you sure he wasn't a Scotsman. That's the sort of mean fucking trick we would pull. (On second thoughts it might have been a Texan, there is one of those cunning motherfuckers on this board that I know of and I wouldn't put it past him) Great thread my friend.

Yeah buddy. I know that Texan and he is a Good friend too.

[knightlover001]

There was a young priest who was having trouble both writing and delivering his sermons. So he asked his Bishop for help. The wise old Bishop said, "Well you might start with something to attract and hold their attention, such as, 'Last night I was in the warm embrace of a good woman,' that will get their attention then you go on to talk about how warm and accepting she was and at the end reveal she was your mother; that is great for sermons about family love."

The young priest decided to take the advice. The following Sunday he got into the pulpit and said, "Last night I was in the arms a hot woman," he paused. The congregation was totally transfixed; no lack of attention now. But he had forgotten what come next, so he stumbled on about how great she was and how good she made him feel. Then he thought of a way to get out of his problem. He said in conclusion, "Well I may not remember who she was, but she was recommended by the Bishop!"

[knightlover001]

There was a girl who went to Sunday school and always fell asleep. One day the teacher asked and pointed at the sleeping girl, "Who made the world?" The boy behind her poked her with a pencil. She woke up and yelled GOD! "That’s correct!" The teacher said. The girl fell asleep again. The teacher asked, "Who died on the cross?" The boy poked the girl again and she yelled JESUS! "That’s correct!!" The teacher said again. The girl fell asleep again. After a while, the teacher asked, "What did Eve say to Adam when they had their 99th child?" The boy poked the girl again. The girl stood up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF!!!!"

[knightlover001]

Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"

[knightlover001]

Ever wonder why ABCDEF are used to define bra sizes?

A - Almost Boobs
B - Barely there
C - Can Do
D - Damn good
E - Enormous
F – Fake

[knightlover001]

In the beginning, God created Earth and rested.
Then God created man and rested.
Then God created woman.
Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

[knightlover001]

Originally Posted by Newland

Fantastic one!And dirty

Thank you buddy.

[knightlover001]

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about."

He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.

As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

[knightlover001]

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?"

The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."

So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.

The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.

The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."

[knightlover001]

Why did the England Post Office have to recall its series of stamps depicting famous Frenchmen?
People were confused about which side to spit on.