Is there such a thing as being too nice? - Rape Board

Lorielle · 01-23-2011, 02:37 AM

I have this horrible tendency of trying too hard to please everyone, which usually comes back to bite me, later on down the road.

I absolutely hate hurting someones feelings, or feeling like I was somehow mean or cruel to them, but I think I end up just letting myself be put in stupid situations or having to deal with things that I ordinarily would not, if I just put my foot down and said exactly what I felt about something, without being talked out of it.

I'll give you an example of what I'm speaking about.

About a year ago or two ago I was on this site used to chat with others about many different topics. ( I was there mainly about video games. )
I began chatting with this man, who seemed to be interested in a lot of the same games.
I use to frequently visit the site, and it had a meebo chat at the bottom so he would always chat with me when I came online.

One night the meebo kept going down so he wondered if we could just switch over to Skype and keep talking there, instead of using private massages, which was taking too long.
He eventually noticed that I had a webcam icon and asked if we could use them too, and at first I said no, but he kept asking nicely so eventually I caved.
Since that day it seemed like he lived on that site.
The moment I logged on he was sending me a message, and it began to get hard to even respond to threads because if I didn't quickly respond to him he'd keep asking.
It got to the point that if I was gone for several days he genuinely seemed hurt, like I was somehow avoiding him.
I would usually apologize but it became a ritual, since I do have a life and a husband. I can't spend every waking moment online, just chatting with him.
I tried telling him I was busy, but eventually he got so bad that it scared me, and I just stopped going to the site at all.

Sadly, that is just one of the many, many different things that happen because I can't seem to just say exactly what I feel, and I don't know how to go about changing this. The only time I do is when I finally get so mad that I explode, but it takes so much to really get me angry that I am usually miserable for a long period before that.

I don't want to hurt anyone, but even I know there needs to be a line somewhere, to protect myself, but where do I draw it?

RayPistonprowl · 01-23-2011, 05:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lorielle

I don't want to hurt anyone, but even I know there needs to be a line somewhere, to protect myself, but where do I draw it?

Direct works.

Just don't wait until you're so fed up of some git's behaviour that you explode and sign your own death warrant. There be some unhinged people out there.

Lil-Mac · 01-23-2011, 02:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lorielle

I don't want to hurt anyone, but even I know there needs to be a line somewhere, to protect myself, but where do I draw it?

You draw the line wherever it suits. People you are chatting with need to operate within YOUR comfort zone. If someone wants to push past that with you then firmly but politely tell them so. I'd rather have a person let me know where the boundries are than just disappear.

If you do that and the person still continues to push then other steps can be taken; going to the mods, ignore lists, whatever tools the site has to use.

It sounds like you really enjoyed that site and I am sure you were missed by others there. It's too bad one guy spoiled it for you.

At least now I know not to ever ask you to videochat.

justmetoo · 01-23-2011, 02:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lil-Mac

You draw the line wherever it suits. People you are chatting with need to operate within YOUR comfort zone. If someone wants to push past that with you then firmly but politely tell them so. I'd rather have a person let me know where the boundries are than just disappear.

If you do that and the person still continues to push then other steps can be taken; going to the mods, ignore lists, whatever tools the site has to use.

It sounds like you really enjoyed that site and I am sure you were missed by others there. It's too bad one guy spoiled it for you.

At least now I know not to ever ask you to videochat.

Very well said. There have to be limits in place no matter what.

Lorielle · 01-23-2011, 03:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lil-Mac

At least now I know not to ever ask you to videochat.

Oh it isn't the video chat itself that bothered me. What bothered me was that saying no didn't deter him from continuing to hound me about it until I caved in.

Besides, I would gladly video chat with your sexy self.

kilgore74 · 01-23-2011, 04:05 PM

Years ago, I used to be a bit like that man. I was obsessed with chatting to members on another board. I became desperate to hear from them. It on my part not to do with stalking, but need for acceptance. I have grown up since and my insecurity faded. To answer, your not too nice but mearly reached out and helped someone when they needed help. However you shouldn't make yourself feel uncomfortable at the pleasure of others.
Sounds a bit deep that. Lol.

Lil-Mac · 01-23-2011, 08:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lorielle

Besides, I would gladly video chat with your sexy self.

Hmmm... this could get interesting.

Lorielle · 01-24-2011, 03:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kilgore74

To answer, your not too nice but mearly reached out and helped someone when they needed help. However you shouldn't make yourself feel uncomfortable at the pleasure of others.

Thank you for the insight. I shall keep this in mind.

DorianBlack · 01-24-2011, 10:40 PM

I've been on both sides of this scenario and so think I can wade into this debate, offering something people may find useful.

Both feeling like you're being stalked and being an online stalker are about not realizing or communicating healthy boundaries. When I was pursuing someone, I lost my sense of perspective about our "relationship." The woman with whom I was chatting had (has) a life outside the internet that involved a husband, a career, friends, and a certain amount of fame in a pursuit she found personally rewarding. To her I was an occasional release from expectations and the routine of her life. Probably the best metaphor is a vacation affair. I was the handsome man she met at Club Hedo with whom she had a torrid affair and would meet every now and then while traveling through my town. Since it was an online affair, it should have stayed the same for me as well. Unfortunately like "the other woman" in many movies and books I started to convince myself I was falling for this small little facet of the whole woman. I briefly lost perspective and a sense of my own boundaries that real life was real life and online would stay online.

Unfortunately I lost a friend and a really sexy writing partner because of it.

When some one crossed the line with me, it was similar to how you put it, Lorielle. It started out friendly enough with exchanges on my public journal. This lead to access to each others private journal entries. This began leading into chats, which is where I started to become uncomfortable. I was involved at the time with a woman who didn't like to share me with anyone else, and I respected that. The chats began to feel like they were crossing a line between saucy and salacious. But it was just chats with no cybering, so I didn't think anything of it. Long story short, it progressed to requests to chat while I was at work and long emails. I ended up blocking her and removing myself from the boards where I knew she posted, but I couldn't help but think if I'd been more clear about my feelings it would never have progressed to that point.

kilgore74 · 01-29-2011, 05:05 AM

All I can add is be honest. I was writing with a partner. She one day stopped responding. I still have not found out why, so just communicate with each other

Sierra · 01-29-2011, 12:28 PM

Lorielle, I experienced something very similar when I first started hanging out in this community.

Although I have had online contacts from other types of sites who I have known for many years and who I consider real friends, it never occurred to me that the flirting and sexy play that we do in this community would be more than just that. I'm afraid I unwittingly led some to believe the relationship was more than just internet flirting. People got hurt, and I am truly, honestly sorry for that.

I also wasn't quite ready for the aftermath of my folly. One of the people I met right here on RB became a credible threat to my safety and hounded me for two YEARS after I cut off contact. Others have said horrible, untrue things throughout the community. Still others have revealed my personal information to anyone who would listen. I had to learn some hard lessons, and it made me suspicious and wary rather than open and friendly. I very seldom talk to new people in IM any more, which is a shame. There are some truly nice and interesting people on these boards who I will never get to know.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that being nice is great, but you have to be aware at all times of both the information you are giving out and the impression you are making. Your first job is to protect yourself. NEVER give out any information that could lead to someone tracking you down. The city you live in, your real name, what you do for a living, your phone number (even a cell phone) - all of these can lead to someone finding you. If you must communicate by voice, use Skype or Yahoo. Also remember that a webcam session can be recorded easily and without your knowledge, as many women have found out when they discover what they thought was a private session has been published on some sleazy site.

Your second job is much harder. Do no harm. Make sure that the men (and women) you talk to understand your boundaries - and theirs. Now if someone gets too insistent I have an honest conversation with him. If he keeps on I stop all contact except in PM or on the public board. We all understand the hurt that comes from someone not returning our feelings and nothing we can do will prevent that from happening occasionally, but you CAN avoid giving someone a reason to believe there is a chance for something more.

(The aftermath of my online flirting phase wasn't all negative, by the way. RB's very own Phantom and I have been together for quite some time and living together for nearly two years. Internet relationships CAN work out if BOTH parties want them to.)

RayPistonprowl · 01-29-2011, 05:41 PM

Well said, Sierra.

JackInJill · 02-02-2011, 12:26 PM

I think communicating what you're thinking is the best for both parties involved. To play Devil's advocate for a moment (well not precisely since I don't actually agree or side with the other side), I think one issue that can arise if you're not up front about how you feel about something is the other person might interpret your actions differently than you intended.

For instance, lets take the rather simplistic scenario where we have a man and a woman, where the man is interested in the woman but the woman doesn't feel the same way. The woman then feels she needs to be gentle with him or even try to avoid telling him outright she's not interested so as not to hurt his feelings. Often times it'll involve excuses like "I'm just not looking right now" or "I'm kind of seeing someone". Her intent may be good, but the end result is you've got a situation where the guy still believes he's got a chance, if he just sticks with it over time. I've been in situations like that, and I can tell you that I would much rather the woman simply tell me she has no interest in me, so I can just move on.

It can be difficult to be up front with someone, especially when you're concerned about their feelings. But in the long run, for their sake and yours, it's just better to tell them exactly what's what, and let them know when things are bothering you.

01-23-2011, 02:37 AM	#1
Lorielle Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2010 Posts: 124 Reputation: 3937	Is there such a thing as being too nice? I have this horrible tendency of trying too hard to please everyone, which usually comes back to bite me, later on down the road. I absolutely hate hurting someones feelings, or feeling like I was somehow mean or cruel to them, but I think I end up just letting myself be put in stupid situations or having to deal with things that I ordinarily would not, if I just put my foot down and said exactly what I felt about something, without being talked out of it. I'll give you an example of what I'm speaking about. About a year ago or two ago I was on this site used to chat with others about many different topics. ( I was there mainly about video games. ) I began chatting with this man, who seemed to be interested in a lot of the same games. I use to frequently visit the site, and it had a meebo chat at the bottom so he would always chat with me when I came online. One night the meebo kept going down so he wondered if we could just switch over to Skype and keep talking there, instead of using private massages, which was taking too long. He eventually noticed that I had a webcam icon and asked if we could use them too, and at first I said no, but he kept asking nicely so eventually I caved. Since that day it seemed like he lived on that site. The moment I logged on he was sending me a message, and it began to get hard to even respond to threads because if I didn't quickly respond to him he'd keep asking. It got to the point that if I was gone for several days he genuinely seemed hurt, like I was somehow avoiding him. I would usually apologize but it became a ritual, since I do have a life and a husband. I can't spend every waking moment online, just chatting with him. I tried telling him I was busy, but eventually he got so bad that it scared me, and I just stopped going to the site at all. Sadly, that is just one of the many, many different things that happen because I can't seem to just say exactly what I feel, and I don't know how to go about changing this. The only time I do is when I finally get so mad that I explode, but it takes so much to really get me angry that I am usually miserable for a long period before that. I don't want to hurt anyone, but even I know there needs to be a line somewhere, to protect myself, but where do I draw it?

01-29-2011, 12:28 PM	#11
Sierra Privileged Member Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: Northern California Posts: 1,625 Reputation: 129196	Lorielle, I experienced something very similar when I first started hanging out in this community. Although I have had online contacts from other types of sites who I have known for many years and who I consider real friends, it never occurred to me that the flirting and sexy play that we do in this community would be more than just that. I'm afraid I unwittingly led some to believe the relationship was more than just internet flirting. People got hurt, and I am truly, honestly sorry for that. I also wasn't quite ready for the aftermath of my folly. One of the people I met right here on RB became a credible threat to my safety and hounded me for two YEARS after I cut off contact. Others have said horrible, untrue things throughout the community. Still others have revealed my personal information to anyone who would listen. I had to learn some hard lessons, and it made me suspicious and wary rather than open and friendly. I very seldom talk to new people in IM any more, which is a shame. There are some truly nice and interesting people on these boards who I will never get to know. I guess what I'm trying to say is that being nice is great, but you have to be aware at all times of both the information you are giving out and the impression you are making. Your first job is to protect yourself. NEVER give out any information that could lead to someone tracking you down. The city you live in, your real name, what you do for a living, your phone number (even a cell phone) - all of these can lead to someone finding you. If you must communicate by voice, use Skype or Yahoo. Also remember that a webcam session can be recorded easily and without your knowledge, as many women have found out when they discover what they thought was a private session has been published on some sleazy site. Your second job is much harder. Do no harm. Make sure that the men (and women) you talk to understand your boundaries - and theirs. Now if someone gets too insistent I have an honest conversation with him. If he keeps on I stop all contact except in PM or on the public board. We all understand the hurt that comes from someone not returning our feelings and nothing we can do will prevent that from happening occasionally, but you CAN avoid giving someone a reason to believe there is a chance for something more. (The aftermath of my online flirting phase wasn't all negative, by the way. RB's very own Phantom and I have been together for quite some time and living together for nearly two years. Internet relationships CAN work out if BOTH parties want them to.) __________________ Although the most incisive judges of the witches and even the witches themselves were convinced of the guilt of witchcraft, this guilt nevertheless did not exist. Thus it is with all guilt.

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01-23-2011, 04:05 PM	#6
kilgore74 Member Join Date: Dec 2010 Location: devon Posts: 76 Reputation: 921	Years ago, I used to be a bit like that man. I was obsessed with chatting to members on another board. I became desperate to hear from them. It on my part not to do with stalking, but need for acceptance. I have grown up since and my insecurity faded. To answer, your not too nice but mearly reached out and helped someone when they needed help. However you shouldn't make yourself feel uncomfortable at the pleasure of others. Sounds a bit deep that. Lol.

01-24-2011, 10:40 PM	#9
DorianBlack Privileged Member Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: San Francisco, CA, USA Posts: 306 Reputation: 1969	I've been on both sides of this scenario and so think I can wade into this debate, offering something people may find useful. Both feeling like you're being stalked and being an online stalker are about not realizing or communicating healthy boundaries. When I was pursuing someone, I lost my sense of perspective about our "relationship." The woman with whom I was chatting had (has) a life outside the internet that involved a husband, a career, friends, and a certain amount of fame in a pursuit she found personally rewarding. To her I was an occasional release from expectations and the routine of her life. Probably the best metaphor is a vacation affair. I was the handsome man she met at Club Hedo with whom she had a torrid affair and would meet every now and then while traveling through my town. Since it was an online affair, it should have stayed the same for me as well. Unfortunately like "the other woman" in many movies and books I started to convince myself I was falling for this small little facet of the whole woman. I briefly lost perspective and a sense of my own boundaries that real life was real life and online would stay online. Unfortunately I lost a friend and a really sexy writing partner because of it. When some one crossed the line with me, it was similar to how you put it, Lorielle. It started out friendly enough with exchanges on my public journal. This lead to access to each others private journal entries. This began leading into chats, which is where I started to become uncomfortable. I was involved at the time with a woman who didn't like to share me with anyone else, and I respected that. The chats began to feel like they were crossing a line between saucy and salacious. But it was just chats with no cybering, so I didn't think anything of it. Long story short, it progressed to requests to chat while I was at work and long emails. I ended up blocking her and removing myself from the boards where I knew she posted, but I couldn't help but think if I'd been more clear about my feelings it would never have progressed to that point.

01-29-2011, 05:05 AM	#10
kilgore74 Member Join Date: Dec 2010 Location: devon Posts: 76 Reputation: 921	All I can add is be honest. I was writing with a partner. She one day stopped responding. I still have not found out why, so just communicate with each other

01-29-2011, 05:41 PM	#12
RayPistonprowl Banned Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: Right behind you. Posts: 241 Reputation: 1711	Well said, Sierra.

02-02-2011, 12:26 PM	#13
JackInJill Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Hiding in your closet Posts: 76 Reputation: 37	I think communicating what you're thinking is the best for both parties involved. To play Devil's advocate for a moment (well not precisely since I don't actually agree or side with the other side), I think one issue that can arise if you're not up front about how you feel about something is the other person might interpret your actions differently than you intended. For instance, lets take the rather simplistic scenario where we have a man and a woman, where the man is interested in the woman but the woman doesn't feel the same way. The woman then feels she needs to be gentle with him or even try to avoid telling him outright she's not interested so as not to hurt his feelings. Often times it'll involve excuses like "I'm just not looking right now" or "I'm kind of seeing someone". Her intent may be good, but the end result is you've got a situation where the guy still believes he's got a chance, if he just sticks with it over time. I've been in situations like that, and I can tell you that I would much rather the woman simply tell me she has no interest in me, so I can just move on. It can be difficult to be up front with someone, especially when you're concerned about their feelings. But in the long run, for their sake and yours, it's just better to tell them exactly what's what, and let them know when things are bothering you.