Single life sucks

[ChiTownHoney]

This has nothing to do with rape at all. This single life totally sucks unless all you want to do is get laid and play around through life. I want to perhaps get some understanding from others, and I say this from a women's point of view, although some may find my ways dumb.

Step 1. Where to meet them. First you gotta find where to meet people, and eliminate competition. There are so many fierce people looking for the same thing as you and with the 2 girls to 1 guy ratio that there seems to be, you just have to look absolutely fabulous to make your self stand out.

Now, if you are picky as hell like I am, this is even more difficult. There is an awful process of elimination one must go through. I either accept or ignore attention from guys given the answer to one question I ask myself: "would I fuck him?"

Step 2. Flirting stage (This is for if you already know someone usually or see them on a regular basis) You decide that you really like someone, now you dont know what to do or how to act around them. In my case, I get so shy and insecure at that point that the only thing I can do is ignore the shit out of him. I do this for a couple or reasons: I put up a gaurd for reasons unknown; I'm extremely shy and taken by an individual who just rocks my world; I notice the competition is a little heavy and he has groupies. I'm too old to be a groupie. By being stand-offish, I show him that I'm not just another girl smitten by his charm (although I am). I have known men who love the challenge I present to them, others dont. Thats where a problem might occur. I even have a guy that I hooked up with 5 years ago texting me asking me if I'm single yet.

So what about those guys whose games are a little better than yours?? Then its a lost cause. Might as well end the flirting stage right there.

Step 3. Actually dating. Now you have a chance to go out with the person who rocks your world. You have to say all the right things and make sure you appear absolutely amazing. Its still a game. You have to miss phone calls at the right time, appear like you are busy when really you have been biting your nails all day waiting for his phone call. make sure you dont appear too needy or desperate.

This is also the time to decide if he is just another Don Juan player type, if you havent figured it out already (and hadnt cared).

Once every thing checks out and after a couple of dates, you now must decide if there is chemistry...something very hard to find. You also must decide if this is someone that you can see yourself in a deep relationship with.

Step 4. "What are we?" Pretty self-explanatory. One of you asks this, and then its time to decide whats up.

I think after all this, its pretty smooth sailing....or at least untill a break up, if one occurs...this is my experience anyways.

What does everyone think? Can some of you relate at all? I thing dating is all game after all...I just turned 27 years old and by the looks of the men I've met my age and older, I would think I was still in fucking high school. I thought men grew up and stopped these damn games. I would rather not play games, but they play games, so I must.

[AWDracer]

Originally Posted by ChiTownHoney

This has nothing to do with rape at all. This single life totally sucks unless all you want to do is get laid and play around through life. I want to perhaps get some understanding from others, and I say this from a women's point of view, although some may find my ways dumb.

Step 1. Where to meet them. First you gotta find where to meet people, and eliminate competition. There are so many fierce people looking for the same thing as you and with the 2 girls to 1 guy ratio that there seems to be, you just have to look absolutely fabulous to make your self stand out.

Now, if you are picky as hell like I am, this is even more difficult. There is an awful process of elimination one must go through. I either accept or ignore attention from guys given the answer to one question I ask myself: "would I fuck him?"

Step 2. Flirting stage (This is for if you already know someone usually or see them on a regular basis) You decide that you really like someone, now you dont know what to do or how to act around them. In my case, I get so shy and insecure at that point that the only thing I can do is ignore the shit out of him. I do this for a couple or reasons: I put up a gaurd for reasons unknown; I'm extremely shy and taken by an individual who just rocks my world; I notice the competition is a little heavy and he has groupies. I'm too old to be a groupie. By being stand-offish, I show him that I'm not just another girl smitten by his charm (although I am). I have known men who love the challenge I present to them, others dont. Thats where a problem might occur. I even have a guy that I hooked up with 5 years ago texting me asking me if I'm single yet.

So what about those guys whose games are a little better than yours?? Then its a lost cause. Might as well end the flirting stage right there.

Step 3. Actually dating. Now you have a chance to go out with the person who rocks your world. You have to say all the right things and make sure you appear absolutely amazing. Its still a game. You have to miss phone calls at the right time, appear like you are busy when really you have been biting your nails all day waiting for his phone call. make sure you dont appear too needy or desperate.

This is also the time to decide if he is just another Don Juan player type, if you havent figured it out already (and hadnt cared).

Once every thing checks out and after a couple of dates, you now must decide if there is chemistry...something very hard to find. You also must decide if this is someone that you can see yourself in a deep relationship with.

Step 4. "What are we?" Pretty self-explanatory. One of you asks this, and then its time to decide whats up.

I think after all this, its pretty smooth sailing....or at least untill a break up, if one occurs...this is my experience anyways.

What does everyone think? Can some of you relate at all? I thing dating is all game after all...I just turned 27 years old and by the looks of the men I've met my age and older, I would think I was still in fucking high school. I thought men grew up and stopped these damn games. I would rather not play games, but they play games, so I must.

I can understand and even appreciate from your viewpoint these "hardships". It isn't all about looks, but to look good gets you that far ahead from the average looking.

I find dating extremely difficult of a stage to begin. For some people, it's easy but for me, I'm somewhat more shy for a guy (that he should) and a bit more reserved about revealing true facts. I KNOW I'll be much more confident once I'm in an actual relationship and I THINK I'll know what to do and know what to say. I have no problems with listening to a girl's problems and dealing with drama - but only if there is a place for me in it. I'm far more self-conscious than I should be, and I'm the biggest critic about myself by far.

I tried to do something different with these two girls that I was talking to, or rather they were talking to me, simulataneously. It was a bonus that I was given that opportunity, but in my personal opinion, I think I fumbled it by revealing my weaknesses (such as "I can't really cook" but I tried to play it off as a joke - but now I look back and I think "man I was stupid".

I'm not socially inept - I think I can be above average in that department in a lot of cases but I have a real soft spot for girls even though I keep reminding myself that they're just people.

In regards to the so-called "game", age doesn't necessarily mature the person - but how they grew up and how they "suffered" would though, although you do make it sound like those 27 year olds are more like 15 tops.

Tell me what you think

p.s. didn't mean to make it a diary of my own hardships but it's something for you to relate to; a lot of people have their own problems but the really successful people do a great job of acting that nothing worries them :/

[Woohoo]

Originally Posted by ChiTownHoney

Can some of you relate at all?... I would rather not play games, but they play games, so I must.

I can. It's interesting to hear that from the other side of the fence, as I'm feelin' the same way over here. I don't like games, "missed" calls, or other nonsense. I'd rather hear "I don't want to" than "I've got SO much to do, I just don't think I'll have time." I don't understand the point. I'm not keen on people's bullshit, unless it's my own.

We seem to be the minority there. I take a different tact though, I don't play 'em. I'm not tired of my own company just yet.

[Lemarchand]

Before I start I just want to say that I am impressed with your post Chi. Your exposition is bold and feels very personal.

I want to contribute my feelings here a little, but am very wary that I may seem slightly hypocritical given my own circumstances.

I can certainly relate to you with regards to the dating game, and the frustration of age. With me it has always been about the need within me to make a connection with someone that was so deep I could find myself wanting to be with them forever. Now I genuinely didn't meet that other someone until I was 33, and feeling that need for such a ling time was oftentimes very difficult, and I have to be honest when I say I felt some deep desperation along the way. I believed for the longest time that I just would never meet anyone.

Why this may seem slightly hypocritical, is because of the fact I have honestly never been short of the opportunity to meet someone. My career takes me to people and places that mean sex and relationship are availed to me if I click my fingers. That sounds like I am a pretentious boasting male I know, but hear me out on this one.

Certainly other men I know within the business enjoy greatly the sexual opportunities that have come their way. For me it was never the case because I always NEEDED that connection beyond simple sport fucking, and me being the mug that I am honestly thought I would find that connection through the paths that I followed sexually then. The reason I never met anyone whom I built a deep relationship with via the opportunities my career offered me is because I don't really get to be me.
Being a performer has the severe drawback of people expecting you to be that guy on the stage. They think the persona you inhabit behind the guitars and monitor speakers is who you are on a daily basis...and that's not true.
So women see the performance, are attracted by it and think that excitement is going to exist all the time. You can feel the disappointment in another person as they learn your just another regular guy who just has a slightly irregular life. So meeting people that way has never been a successful avenue for me.

When it came to the dating game I was honestly hopeless. I just found myself constantly trying to impress the person opposite me. It became a circus of me not being ME! I know that seems to be the way people should meet others, but I hated it. The whole reason for me dating would be to find someone who would accept me for exactly who I was, not some pretty picture painted and sat in a restaurant who looks a bit like me. I stopped the dating game a long time ago due to the fact I felt I was dishonouring the man I am, and also misleading the person I am with.

Certainly when I hit my late twenties I pretty much stopped the big game of trying to find someone. I started just being me and said "Fuck it!" It was really after then that things started to work a little more in my favour relationship wise.
Then at 33 I met my wife. The greatest thing about our meeting is that she had no clue who I was or what my career was before our friendship developed. We got to know one another very well and without trying to be someone else, and we respect each other for the people we are. She loves me for who I am as a person, and that is a massive help when it comes to the pressures of our respective lives.

All my relationship experience causes ME to believe the strongest relationships are born out of friendship. A good friend likes you for the person you are, they like to hang out with you, like to have fun with you, share deep personal conversations with you and accept you! If there's ever an hint of attraction I say it's a good sign and perhaps act upon it. It's a tough step to take...but in my experience often the most rewarding!

Thanks for listening.

Lem

[FinalKey]

Originally Posted by ChiTownHoney

This has nothing to do with rape at all. This single life totally sucks unless all you want to do is get laid and play around through life. I want to perhaps get some understanding from others, and I say this from a women's point of view, although some may find my ways dumb.

Step 1. Where to meet them. First you gotta find where to meet people, and eliminate competition. There are so many fierce people looking for the same thing as you and with the 2 girls to 1 guy ratio that there seems to be, you just have to look absolutely fabulous to make your self stand out.

Now, if you are picky as hell like I am, this is even more difficult. There is an awful process of elimination one must go through. I either accept or ignore attention from guys given the answer to one question I ask myself: "would I fuck him?"

Step 2. Flirting stage (This is for if you already know someone usually or see them on a regular basis) You decide that you really like someone, now you dont know what to do or how to act around them. In my case, I get so shy and insecure at that point that the only thing I can do is ignore the shit out of him. I do this for a couple or reasons: I put up a gaurd for reasons unknown; I'm extremely shy and taken by an individual who just rocks my world; I notice the competition is a little heavy and he has groupies. I'm too old to be a groupie. By being stand-offish, I show him that I'm not just another girl smitten by his charm (although I am). I have known men who love the challenge I present to them, others dont. Thats where a problem might occur. I even have a guy that I hooked up with 5 years ago texting me asking me if I'm single yet.

So what about those guys whose games are a little better than yours?? Then its a lost cause. Might as well end the flirting stage right there.

Step 3. Actually dating. Now you have a chance to go out with the person who rocks your world. You have to say all the right things and make sure you appear absolutely amazing. Its still a game. You have to miss phone calls at the right time, appear like you are busy when really you have been biting your nails all day waiting for his phone call. make sure you dont appear too needy or desperate.

This is also the time to decide if he is just another Don Juan player type, if you havent figured it out already (and hadnt cared).

Once every thing checks out and after a couple of dates, you now must decide if there is chemistry...something very hard to find. You also must decide if this is someone that you can see yourself in a deep relationship with.

Step 4. "What are we?" Pretty self-explanatory. One of you asks this, and then its time to decide whats up.

I think after all this, its pretty smooth sailing....or at least untill a break up, if one occurs...this is my experience anyways.

What does everyone think? Can some of you relate at all? I thing dating is all game after all...I just turned 27 years old and by the looks of the men I've met my age and older, I would think I was still in fucking high school. I thought men grew up and stopped these damn games. I would rather not play games, but they play games, so I must.

Maybe it's hard because you know you dislike sex, perhaps it plays on your 'dating mind' and throws you off in the dating world or emits a little aura that guys pick up on? *shrugs* it should get easier.

[kitty_joanne]

What does everyone think? Can some of you relate at all? I thing dating is all game after all...I just turned 27 years old and by the looks of the men I've met my age and older, I would think I was still in fucking high school. I thought men grew up and stopped these damn games. I would rather not play games, but they play games, so I must.

I don't know about the culture of how relationship goes in your country Chi, but where i live, i can easily differentiate which men are looking forward into commitment and which men are not (who are just playing games).

[craxon]

Can you say that in English please

[ChiTownHoney]

Originally Posted by AWDracer

I find dating extremely difficult of a stage to begin. For some people, it's easy but for me, I'm somewhat more shy for a guy (that he should) and a bit more reserved about revealing true facts. I KNOW I'll be much more confident once I'm in an actual relationship and I THINK I'll know what to do and know what to say. I have no problems with listening to a girl's problems and dealing with drama - but only if there is a place for me in it. I'm far more self-conscious than I should be, and I'm the biggest critic about myself by far.

I tried to do something different with these two girls that I was talking to, or rather they were talking to me, simulataneously. It was a bonus that I was given that opportunity, but in my personal opinion, I think I fumbled it by revealing my weaknesses (such as "I can't really cook" but I tried to play it off as a joke - but now I look back and I think "man I was stupid".

Shyness is definitely a road block for me too. I am very insecure with myself and I go from thinking I am the scum of the earth to thinking so highly of myself and that I'm better than everyone else, but thats just a defense mechanism to protect myself from feeling low all the time.

Honestly, I think everyone pays more attention to what they say in a conversation rather than what the other person says. So if you say something that you think was stupid, its highly likely that the other person didnt didnt think it was stupid at all. Like you saying that you cant cook, thats not a bad thing. I like it when a man cant cook, I like to take care of him. My turn off is when a man can cook. My ex boyfriend was an awesome cook, and he always criticised my cooking and would come in the kitchen and pretty much tell me what to do or he would take over. It pissed me off. I want to cook and have my man be all like..."HMMMMM"....not "this needs salt". I think its cute when a man only knows how to cook microwave pizza and toast.

The only real turn off I can see is that if you talk too much about yourself. Thats annoying. "I'm an awesome cook, I once catered an entire Bar Mitzvah single handedly, there was even a food critic there who gave me an awesome review, now I have people calling me wanted me to cater but I am just so busy, I work out everyday, touch my stomach." There are guys like that...too many for my liking.

You seem like you have a good head on your shoulders and you seem very positive, dont worry, you are so young. Just keep doing what you are doing, and things will happen.

I heard that you will most likely meet someone doing things that you normally do daily...go to work, go to the laundry mat, I guess thats a good thing.

[ChiTownHoney]

I started this thread because I am really digging this guy I know, but I am so shy around him and not sure if he is the Don Juan type or not. I have a feeling that he plays games, so I put my defenses up. However, I'm so sweet on him, I think it has given me a toothache, haha.

[kitty_joanne]

Usually if i like the guy, i play the "hard to catch" game, show him no interest of you in him however throw him a little smile giving him hope that you are still open..

Guys who are seriously deep into commitment will be confused, bedazzled of not knowing what to do to satisfy what you want!

Where guys who want just to play around with you will just flirts away all the time, and he will play the game with you until you give out..

haa~ just another tip from me, that's what guys like in here..

Good luck Chi!

[AWDracer]

Originally Posted by ChiTownHoney

Shyness is definitely a road block for me too. I am very insecure with myself and I go from thinking I am the scum of the earth to thinking so highly of myself and that I'm better than everyone else, but thats just a defense mechanism to protect myself from feeling low all the time.

Honestly, I think everyone pays more attention to what they say in a conversation rather than what the other person says. So if you say something that you think was stupid, its highly likely that the other person didnt didnt think it was stupid at all. Like you saying that you cant cook, thats not a bad thing. I like it when a man cant cook, I like to take care of him. My turn off is when a man can cook. My ex boyfriend was an awesome cook, and he always criticised my cooking and would come in the kitchen and pretty much tell me what to do or he would take over. It pissed me off. I want to cook and have my man be all like..."HMMMMM"....not "this needs salt". I think its cute when a man only knows how to cook microwave pizza and toast.

The only real turn off I can see is that if you talk too much about yourself. Thats annoying. "I'm an awesome cook, I once catered an entire Bar Mitzvah single handedly, there was even a food critic there who gave me an awesome review, now I have people calling me wanted me to cater but I am just so busy, I work out everyday, touch my stomach." There are guys like that...too many for my liking.

You seem like you have a good head on your shoulders and you seem very positive, dont worry, you are so young. Just keep doing what you are doing, and things will happen.

I heard that you will most likely meet someone doing things that you normally do daily...go to work, go to the laundry mat, I guess thats a good thing.

Thanks Chi. That's one of the few positive posts I've seen you type on RB. And thanks a lot for the words of kindness. I appreciate it.

A defence mechanism, yes, I had one of those. I wanted to change my personality completely so rather than be passive and go humble, just go the route of overconfidence where even if not actually justified to be confident, at least I'd have some element of "having balls", but it was very hard to do so. I'm still tired of being humble - I want to prove something, but that doesn't mean I'd like to be cocky; I actually hate cocky people, but at the same time, admire them. :/

Hahaha I found it very cute, likewise, that you would find it cute that I couldn't cook. See.. I thought that if a man knows how to cook, that's essentially playing their role as the one who provides the home, so to speak. It's going back to the whole "man makes money, woman takes care of children" concept that we're all so familiar with. I remember your tastes in men - you'd like them to - not just be who they are - but flaunt particularly more masculinity.

I don't blame you at all for having your shields up so quickly - you've been hurt in the past before and you just simply can't afford to have a repeat again. At the same time, I recognize for you that there are not that many places where you could legitimately find someone of a certain type in that certain situation. Going to bars to meet people doesn't really spell out "long-term relationship" and there's too many people's backgrounds which are dubious at best. In fact, as of right now, I can't think of a situation, other than school or work, which could be somewhat attractive.

But, finally, here's a quote in which my sister used to memorize which may or may not be useful to you:

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool. To weep is to risk appearing sentimental. To reach for another is to risk involvement. To expose your feelings is to risk exposing your true self. To place your ideas, your dreams before a crowd is to risk their loss. To love is to risk not being loved in return. To live is to risk dying. To believe is to risk despair. To try is to risk failure. But risks must be taken, because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing. The person who risks nothing does nothing, has nothing, is nothing. They may avoid suffering an d sorrow, but they cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love, live. Chained by their attitudes they are slaves; they have forfeited their freedom. Only a person who risks is free.

- Unknown

I should take notes.

[ChiTownHoney]

So I went through sort of a mental acceptance today. For the first time in my life, I am not looking for anyone. I'm usually so standoffish and shy around men that I like. Today I saw him and acted so completely natural and cool...and I felt that way too. It was cool. I'm usually so nervous. However, it didnt get the reaction I was expecting, so I think I fucked up somehow before. One of my other friends mentioned that his friend (who I've been lusting after for awhile) wanted us to hang out, and my reaction was just "sure why not, not this weekend though...I'm busy..." and I really didnt even care to hang out with them...I just dont feel like it. Its weird. I think maybe this has something to do with my lack of interest in sex, which has been going on for about a few months now. I havent been diagnosed with anything, but next time I go to the doctor, I'm going to ask him about it. It cant be normal, or maybe its a phase? Like a life phase or something? I havent had any interest in actually having sex for months. I think maybe I'm getting older and my libido is escaping me. Ah well.

Do you really need sex anyways? Or even a lover? Or to love someone? I am going through this thing where I really dont care that much anymore.

[ChiTownHoney]

Originally Posted by AWDracer

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool. To weep is to risk appearing sentimental. To reach for another is to risk involvement. To expose your feelings is to risk exposing your true self. To place your ideas, your dreams before a crowd is to risk their loss. To love is to risk not being loved in return. To live is to risk dying. To believe is to risk despair. To try is to risk failure. But risks must be taken, because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing. The person who risks nothing does nothing, has nothing, is nothing. They may avoid suffering an d sorrow, but they cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love, live. Chained by their attitudes they are slaves; they have forfeited their freedom. Only a person who risks is free.

- Unknown

I have heard this before I think, and its an amazing quote. Definitely changes my outlook on current situations! Thanks for sharing!!

[AWDracer]

Originally Posted by ChiTownHoney

I have heard this before I think, and its an amazing quote. Definitely changes my outlook on current situations! Thanks for sharing!!

You're welcome

[Sierra]

Originally Posted by ChiTownHoney

I think maybe I'm getting older and my libido is escaping me. Ah well.

Do you really need sex anyways? Or even a lover? Or to love someone? I am going through this thing where I really dont care that much anymore.

First of all, I'm older than you are and aside from specific periods of time my libido has never gone away. Libido has nothing to do with age, IME. Depression, self-esteem, stress, and physical health can all affect it.

Do we really need sex and love? Maybe we can exist without them, it's true, but I know that my life would be poorer without people I love.

[AWDracer]

Originally Posted by Sierra

First of all, I'm older than you are and aside from specific periods of time my libido has never gone away. Libido has nothing to do with age, IME. Depression, self-esteem, stress, and physical health can all affect it.

Do we really need sex and love? Maybe we can exist without them, it's true, but I know that my life would be poorer without people I love.

I think this is true. I'm a firm believer that people were meant to have families that they can watch over and raise. Or if you were not to have kids, at the very least have someone you could call "the one" (p.s. not the sports car, although that comes really really close for me heh)

I think without someone who loves you back, life is basically pointless.

People start careers for many reasons - to make money and at the same time, they could perhaps attract someone along the way. If they can keep their job and the woman, they're BASICALLY set. I'm going to be cynical and say that relationships that don't require money at all are just a myth. Now Stern's going to say "hold on, I have a job and I really don't give a damn what the guy is driving - I got my job and I make my own money" but the fact is, deep down, inherently, the guy is meant to be the provider of the family (not saying the woman is not capable of it) and MUST be in financial stability otherwise being that man in that relationship would be embarassing for himself and to those who watch this happen.

[star67]

Originally Posted by ChiTownHoney

I havent had any interest in actually having sex for months. I think maybe I'm getting older and my libido is escaping me. Ah well.

Do you really need sex anyways? Or even a lover? Or to love someone? I am going through this thing where I really dont care that much anymore.

This is exactly how I feel at the moment... Which is why I didn't post on here for ages.

I'm only 22 so I know it's not an age thing. I think Sierra hit the nail on the head though... How are you feeling? Depressed? How's your diet? In love with anyone? Stressed? Exercise regularly?

Mine went away the moment I started feeling numb in other aspects of life and not treating myself well. I don't know how it is for you of course but I hope you get your mojo back.

[ChiTownHoney]

Yeah you are right, I just dont feel very sexual at the moment. I dont know...I'm still messing around with my ex just because he still wants to be with me but I am not in love with him. If anything he is annoying the hell out of me, but I just dont want to hurt him because he is a very good man.

Also I am very lost career-wise, I am staying in my job just because its comfortable when I should be going back to school to complete a master's. I feel like I am not living up to my full potential. I feel like I should be doing something extraordinary to self-actualize. Its really getting me down.

Now that I sounded pathedic as hell, time to point and laugh