The Real Rape Thread!

[Annika1717]

Kimmy-
I think I actually was deleted because of the computer database problem the other day. It should work now though.

[kimmy]

Originally Posted by Annika1717

Kimmy-
I think I actually was deleted because of the computer database problem the other day. It should work now though.

sent you a message,hope it works now

[margurl]

Hi everyone. I have just stumbled across this site and felt the need to look further into it. I find it strangely fascinating what people are writing, Especially the woman. I have had my own rape experience. It was something that as a young girl you fear but never expect to happen. I have come to terms with what happened and although I get flashbacks, I have got on with my life. Although it would be fair to say I do blame myself.

This happened 3 years ago when I was 16. I had a boyfriend and all that young girly stuff, and like all teenagers I was constantly into chatrooms and MSN. I thought I was all wise and worldly when it came to men. I thought I could look after myself. How stupid was I? To cut a long story short I got into a chatroom group and one of the group was an older man. Yes I was charmed by him and stupidly agreed to meet him. He was much older than he said he was, about 58. I remember thinking he was older than my dad by a good 20 years but somehow that kind of reasured me that he would be safer than a younger man. How wrong.
We met and got on OK which just gave me more false foundations and I ended up going back to his house. He told me he was just going to the bathroom and left me sitting watching TV. When he came out of the bathroom he was wearing just a pair of white Y front style underpants. I just froze. He grabbed me by the arm and lifted me up of the chair. I asked him what he was doing and he told me he was going to fuck me and that I wanted it. I couldn't scream, I just froze. I cannot describe the feeling. Like I was a spectator. He dragged me upstairs by the arm pushed me onto the bed and pulled off my skirt and knickers. I pleaded with him not to since I wasn't on the pill but it made no difference. That big hairy pig of a man just entered me without a care and raped me. I just stared up at the ceiling as he made disgusting grunting sounds with each of his thrusts, I just wished it to be over. When he had finished he had the nerve to ask me if I had enjoyed it. I ran out of there. went to the nearest public toilets and wiped my vagina of his cum. It was awfull.
I never told anybody what happened and just set about deleting the memories. I think I have come to terms with it now. I am slightly frightend though of older men. I always trusted older men before this happened.

[kimmy]

i know how you feel margurl,i thought i knew everything too,before it happened too me the first time,growing up the way i did and all,i found out i was wrong big time,lol
now i know i'm not as smart as i thought i was then,and like you even though it went on for 2 years i never told anyone either,and each time just waited for it too be over

[Tanya]

I haven't been here in a while..I don't have rape fantasies like I used to....

I went through a period a few years ago and I met many men online to role play rape with. About 15 in 2 years. I didn't enjoy any of them except for one. I was doing it as a form of self injury and thought all I deserved was to be treated like shit. Most men who visit these sites, not nessecarily the ones that post of coarse, DO believe women deserve to be treated like shit.

I dont know...I dont like myself, but maybe i've learned to respect myself and that even if I still dont like myself I don't deserve to be treated like meat.

Now i'm not saying there is no nice guys here. I think the majority who actually post are decent guys who can see the difference between fantasy adn reality.

I did also have one great rape roleplay experience...and hav emet some decent guys here..

I dont know why i felt the urge to come visit here tonight...anyway..

[LustAndLuxury]

TO LIL-MAC :

it is as you believe : I sabotage my relationship by putting myself in the role of the submissive or unworthy female. This, of course, isn't consciously applied, but it happens. Most of the time, I can be strong and live a pretty normal life, but every once in a while, I will experience a 180 personnality crisis where I really become completely vulnerable for no apparent reason. I do know, that it is also closely linked to my hormonale variations. It usually happen one week after my period (IF it has to happen). Then, it takes about a week or so for my strong persona to take control of the weeping sissy persona. As I said though, it doesn't happen every month. So something inside of me must be different from months to months... it really is impossible for me to pinpoint the moment where it will strike me. But when it does, there's really nothing I can do about it other than wait until I "wake up" from my complete vulnerability mindset...

Right now, I am in one of those crisis and I will tell you that it turned out disgustingly awful. Seriously, I mustn't keep running like this, or else, I will destroy myself.

Today I have decided to get help...to talk to a psy... unfortunately, everything is closed right now, but I will call tomorrow during business hours and follow up with my plan of long-terms visits until I get this fucked up situation fixed one and for all. I really cannot go on living like this...I really can't. I tried consulting before, but I ran away. This time, I know I cannot do it... or at least, I know that if I run away, there will be no more hope for me left... I am getting weaker and weaker at fighting my vulnerable persona... My subconscious puts me in very dangerous situation when I become weak, and one day, I might not be able to come out of it alive.

All the best to everyone.

[bareback69]

cjones71@gmail.com

Tell me your story .. Victim or perpetrator....

[puzzlequeen]

my family is fucked up in more ways then I can count but the worst think is that we have all suffered sexual abuse in some way me my mam my brother and two sisters my mam has never told us to much about what happened to her but I know all the other stories the scary thing is that so much could have happened in one family and some off the alarming similarities in the case of my two sisters.

My experiences
when I was in primary I had two boyfriends how knew about each other and they used to back me into a corner at the bottom for the school field and pull my skirt down pulling at my panties saying they were next I was lucky my friends would often save me before it got any feather remember we where 8 so though I found to later that what they had done was wrong I can forgive them because they where only young to and I don’t thin any of us really understood.
when I was 14 I had a nether boyfriend how in German (the only class we had together) used to make me put my hand down his pants and held it there while reaching up my skirt and under my pants and rubbing me I did not realise how wrong it was till years later in collage where I started reliving it when I got intermit with my new boyfriends (how was very understanding) but that wasn’t the worst part one day we where outside at dinner and he took me outside the library and pulled my hand holding it on his cock (through his pants thankfully) I was uncomfortable but when I sore people sitting close by I thought one of them had seen and I was scared of being labelled a slut so I ran and the more time I say alone hoping a teacher would come and help me the more I realised what really made me feel uncomfortable I could no close my hand or rest it on anything ever time I did it made me feel sick to my stoumk I eventually found a teach and told them after the bell had gone and all the students had gone inside. they took me to my head of year how stupidly told me not to tell anyone what had happened it was to hard to tell my mam so I write it down and my little sister (9) told her I had something to tell her I broke down crying when I told her and see called the police they sent to male offices so they had to call a female college in to talk to me nothing came of it all charges where dropped. but the thing that hurt me most was that my caring and concerned head of year told his parents what had happened and not mine, I was scared and left to deal with it alone.
When I was 20 there where two incidences the fist was nothing really but it scared me so much I didn't leave the house for a week and that was only because I had to go to work so me and my friends could survive. I was walking home late across a small park when these two lads came speeding towards me on bikes one of them only just missed me crashing his bike into a tree he got up and grabbed me saying that I owed him money reaching into my pockets trying to find my purse. he had me held against a tall gate and his mate was freaking out telling him they should get out of there or something like that but the lad didn’t let me go I was scared he was going to do something he said he had a knife and would stab me if I did not give him everything I had I sore some people walking by and I screamed for help I was lucky they did scaring the boys to a safe distance they both came loser again trying to apologise but I was crying rooted to the spot demanding they get away from me. It felt to close to what I had been through already.
The second incident that yeah was when I was babysitting for a friend and one of her mates was still there when she went out. we went to her room to have sec but after a few minuets of him trying to get it in hurting me I told him to forget it and went down stairs he came down and said we could try again put I told him no so he sat down beside me he then leaned over and kissed me grabbing my breasts and saying he loved me that he just wanted to make me happy I tried to push him away but he climbed on top of me feeling kissing me I was to scared to scream because I didn’t want the kids to come down and see it I kept telling him to stop and eventually he got off me and I ordered him to leave he keep trying to convince me to sleep with him making advances but I pushed him away before he got to close I phoned the lass I was sitting for and he left not wanting to be there when she got back. I did nothing about it having had a bad experience with the police before, scared that they would just say I lead him on and there was nothing that could do anyway.

Like I said my both my sisters had similar experiences they where both 6 when it happened to them (there is a 6 yeah age gap them and the events) it was done but a male almost family member someone they should have been able to trust. for the older of the two it was your step dad and the younger our step brother (the two men where not related) how was 14 both men made the respective look at there cock and touch it but our step brother took in on step father making my youngest sister suck it both told my mam less then a year after the men left our lives the police investigated but as with me all charges where eventually dropped.

my brothers experience was less horrific for him it was his first time and his girlfriends tied him down and had sex with him he enjoyed it but feel uncomfortable with the fact that the chose had been taken out of his hands but he forgave her because she had be being raped by her dad for years and my brother pored his anger into hating him.

I didn't realise how hard it would be to write all this down remembering what happened to and me the guilt that I could do nothing to protect my sisters I only that people can draw strength from this and even if they can't write down there own ordeals they can know they are not alone there are people who understand.

[JezB]

I have been a lurker here for a long time, since 2005. I never really talk to anyone, afraid of my fantasies as anyone I ever told thinks I am sick and effed up for having them. This is mainly because I was raped myself. My story.

I was 14, and I was suffering from severe depression and had tried to kill myself. I was put in a mental hospital where I met a girl who I became friends with. She had a ex-boyfriend who came to visit her, and she introduced us. She was trying to set us up, because she was like that. It worked. I got out of the hospital and started a relationship with this man, and heres the kicker. I was 14 and he was 18. My parents didnt know because I lied and said he was 16. Well, I fell in love with him and we fooled around a bit, but I never wanted sex as I wanted to wait till I was older. I had always been a "good girl", and it didnt feel right to have sex at 14.

So I dated this man for 3 months before one day we took a walk out behind my school. I wanted to show him this cool place all the kids went, it was a huge concrete drainage pipe and it went under the schools field and exited a mile away. We went there and I forgot it was flooded that time of year, as it was March and all the snow melt made it have about 6 inches of water running through it. I turned to go and he grabbed my arm, kissing me. I laughed and said I was cold lets go, and he wouldnt let go, pushing me down into the water. I was on my back in the ice water and shivering as he stripped off my pants and took off his. He told me he loved me and that I wanted this but was just too afraid to ask. He raped me then, and it hurt soo much. I was afraid to move because if I did I could drown as I had to hold my head out of the water. It didnt last long, only about 2 minutes when he asked me if I "came" and I said yes so he would stop. He then came in me and helped me up. We left the pipe and walked around until I dried off then I went home.

A few days later my mom found my bloody panties as she was doing laundry, an she knew it wasnt period blood. She confronted me and I denied it at first, but then she took me to the doctor and they confirmed a rape. The cops brought my boyfriend in and he confessed. My parents didnt press charges however, because I was still so sure I was in love with him I told them I would lie on the stand for him. They didnt want me to perjure myself so they let it be, they told his parents and forbid me from ever seeing him again. It took me years before I realized what he did wasnt love, and still I struggle with it. Hence why maybe I love rape fantasys....I see rape as the ultimate sign that you are desirable.

[kimmy]

I was the same age the first time it happened to me Jez,makes sense to me why you love them

[Raped]

Originally Posted by Jasmine

A couple of friends wanted me to start off the story portion of this thread. I agreed because I think it can be good for other members. This has only been shared with one other person privately.

My therapist suggested that I write a book. I started it, but never finished because it was too painful. I know this reads like a story and that’s why.

I learned to be a pleaser. To keep everyone happy so I wouldn’t be punished. I was invisible, well, except to those who needed a victim. My parents, grandparents and aunt and uncle all abused me physically. My uncle was the only one who sexually abused me. My first memory is at the age of 3 with him pulling me from the sand box. I know this because my aunt remembered making the dress for me. We all lived on a farm together.

I was 13 and I was home sick from school and in bed. I was wearing my new yellow pajamas my grandmother gave me for Christmas. He came home from work, used his key to get in the house and found me asleep in my room. He pulled the shirt off of me and grabbed my hair, yanking me up in the bed. He ripped open my pajama shirt and mauled my breast, pinching my nipples and twisting them. “Now, you are old enough to let me show you what love is,” he said. I fought him with everything I had. He hit me in the nose with his fist when I bit him but I didn’t stop. I bit him again and kicked him in the balls. He grabbed my arm and twisted it until it popped.

He ripped off my pants, shredding the material. I ran to my parent’s room and got the gun from their bedside table. When he entered the room, I was trying to load just one bullet in it. He reached for it, twisting it from my hands, breaking three fingers. He hit me in the face with the butt of the gun and broke my jaw. I collapsed from the pain, screaming…He took me back to my bedroom, put me on the bed on my back and raped me, taking my virginity with a hard, painful thrust. He raped me hard and fast for a while, before turning me over on my stomach. He kept pulling me back onto his cock and saying that I wanted it. He came inside me. Then he left.

My father found me, huddled in a corner, wrapped in my bedspread. He stood for a moment and looked at me. “WHO DID THIS?” he yelled. I told him. He leaned down and said, “I’m going to go talk to him and when I come back I am going to have you polygraphed to see if you are lying.” He found my uncle on the tractor, held his 38 to my uncle’s head and asked him. My uncle admitted it.

I don’t remember it, but I guess my dad came back to me and took me upstairs to get cleaned up. I know I went to the hospital and was treated for the broken jaw, arm, fingers and nose. It was listed as a “farm accident”.

I was put in my room and not allowed to leave except to go to school. I didn’t even get to eat with the family. No one spoke or even looked at me. My dad told me that I was a disappointment to them. My mother told me that I never wanted me, never loved me and that I was a disappointment to her.

Wow.

I realize this thread is nearly 3 years old, and this is the first I've read of accounts like this. Perhaps I'll read through and respond to other accounts at a later time.

What can one say to such a horrid experience? I can only imagine what you went through. When I read through it for the 4th time, I just couldn't fathom how one human being can do this to another.

And to have your parents and those close to you blame you for the rape is despicable, downright filthy. You would have every reason to clam up and never speak to anyone again after experiencing that loss of safety. The typical person would lose all faith in humanity.

Yet here you are, bravely posting your story so that others can know they are not alone in this world.

Bravo. You have my support, and while I would never patronize you with a shallow statement like "I know how you feel", I offer you my support and sympathies.

[Raped]

By the way, for anyone who has experienced the trauma of a rape, I'd like to point you to a free resource you can use to help heal the hurt and pain.

I've used this technique for years, used it on clients, friends, families - it works exceedingly well in alleviating emotional injury.

It is called EFT, an acronym for Emotional Freedom Technique. It is a simple, effective method that takes literally 10 minutes to learn and 1 minute to do.

It has helped Vietnam vets get over PTSD. Many of them had the affliction for years and traditional therapy was little help. They used EFT and the emotional intensity of their experiences went from a 10 in intensity down to a 0 in literally minutes.

It also works on depression, anxiety, sleeplessness, irrational fears, anger, jealousy - pretty much any negative emotion.

I highly recommend you use this technique. There are MANY free resources on the web that show you how to do the technique. It's ridiculously easy to do - requires no meditation, concentration, or hours and hours of practice. You can learn it in 10 minutes and do it in 1 as I said above.

One of the websites that offers it for free is www.emofree.com. I believe they have a free manual that shows you how to disentangle yourself from the negative experiences.

I hope it helps you out as it has helped me. Go take a look. I'm sure you'll be glad you did.

[vorgankk]

I've had a few experiences growing up, all when I was very young. I'm new to the board so this is my first post.

I was about 4 years old when my older male cousin, somewhere between 13-16, used to have me do things. I remember the first time, being a kid I wanted to see his room and check out what all was in there. Not sure if it was the first time I had been in his room, but after we were up there for a few minutes he untied his shorts and pulled his penis out. I remember he offered to let me touch it and I did. Because of our age difference that thing seemed huge and I remember wondering if mine would get that big one day... Not sure why, but I was curious. He then asked me if I wanted to suck it, and out of curiousity I began to. He would tell me things like "lick it like a popsickle." After a few minutes he went over to the corner in his room and this white stuff squirted out onto the carpet. He then rubbed it into the carpet with the sock covering his foot. There were many more similar events over the next several years.

He never "forced" me to do anything; with almost all activities I would simply comply out of ignorance. He would always ask if I wanted to before doing anything. He asked if I wanted to french kiss like on TV, and we did. He would have me lay on my belly on the carpet while he dry humped between my butt cheeks. He asked if I wanted to do it with my shorts off or on, I opted to keep my shorts on. We would then take turns and he'd let me rub my crotch on him. I didn't know what it was, but it kinda felt good and would make my penis hard to rub on him. Every time at the end of the session he'd go to the corner, cum on the carpet and rub it in with his sock. He once asked me if I wanted the white stuff in my mouth, I told him no so he took it to the corner.

Sometimes I just wanted to play on his Nintendo. I remember Metroid had just came out but he'd tell me that I had to play with him first. He told me I could never tell anybody because his dad would beat him to death if I did, so I kept quiet. Back then I never saw anything wrong with what we did. He only penetrated me once, and that was with his finger. I had went to the doctor for some sort of checkup, and the doctor had given me the ol 'finger up the butt' exam... when I told him about it, he asked if he could... I didn't really want to but he somehow talked me into it.

Some years later I found out that my mother had once caught him in the closet with another little boy trying to put his penis in his butt. She said the other kid was just looking up at her with a confused expression. Why they let me be alone with him I'll never know. Strangely, I don't feel traumatized or anything by these experiences. Child molestation is not right under any circumstances, and my family should have kept a closer eye on things, but I don't feel wronged. I have occasionally fantasized about having another session with him, but that one will never leave the tightly guarded lock and key realm of fantasy.

He was the only male that had ever done anything with me. The rest of my experiences were with different young girls and women throughout my childhood. I don't know the extent of this one, but I remember many of the older women in my childhood playing with my cock-n-balls (my great grand mother, several of my aunts/great aunts)... It was so common that I remember walking up to several of them at different times holding my pants open and offering to let them play with it, and they would. It wasn't like a hand job or anything, they'd just cup and feel different parts of it. No idea how that one got started. Many years later I heard Adam Sandler's comedy bit about the Italian family and the mother offering to play with his cock-n-balls... I come from an Italian family and so that comedy bit has really caused me some confusion. Do all Italians do this or something..? I mean wtf, really? I didn't mind this at the time either, but I really don't understand it.

These two sisters who used to babysit me were also interested in my 4-6 year old physique... I must have been hung like a seahorse lol. We'd play games like dress up and such probably just so they could see me in my underwear... There were a couple occasions where they'd have me take my underwear off, but they never touched or anything. They were a couple years apart, probably between 10-14.

And then there's my uncle's wife who lives in Florida. We never actually did anything, but she almost seduced me when I was 14. We had been hanging out for about a week, had been to the beach earlier that day, came home around 2PM and shared a couple glasses of wine. The music system throughout the house was playing, we sat in the Jacuzzi for a while, got out and dried off. She then put on some love makin' music, came up to me, put her hands on my hips and had this look in her eyes which I later learned is 'that look' that girls give you when they want something. I remember getting this "Oh, shit!" feeling in the pit of my stomach... she then backed away and since then we have acted it never happened. Probably the look on my face scared her away... or she just came to her senses.

That's about all I can remember. Hope the post isn't too long.

[RayPistonprowl]

All who have posted their real stories here are brave for doing so, and if you haven't already, I hope you find a way to reconcile lingering pain in a constructive way. And nobody should feel ashamed about whatever they fantasise about - we have fantasies for a reason!

[patton03]

I need your opinion to hopefully shed some light on what might have had happened to me being molested or raped as a very young child. Though I have a very good long term memory, still I wonder if anything sexual happened to me as an infant. Why to I ask this is because ever since I was a little kid (well before I ever knew what masturbation is as well as porn) I was strangely, yet seriously aroused of some girl getting raped. The thrill of doing something against her will was really hot.

I heard that when people were sexually abused as a child, later in life they tend to have "rapist twit" or lust for rape specifically. I really find it very strange that a little kid finding rape so arousing, let alone knowing what rape is! So, is it possible that I have been sexually abused before I could remember?

-Thanks

[RayPistonprowl]

Originally Posted by patton03

I need your opinion to hopefully shed some light on what might have had happened to me being molested or raped as a very young child. Though I have a very good long term memory, still I wonder if anything sexual happened to me as an infant. Why to I ask this is because ever since I was a little kid (well before I ever knew what masturbation is as well as porn) I was strangely, yet seriously aroused of some girl getting raped. The thrill of doing something against her will was really hot.

I heard that when people were sexually abused as a child, later in life they tend to have "rapist twit" or lust for rape specifically. I really find it very strange that a little kid finding rape so arousing, let alone knowing what rape is! So, is it possible that I have been sexually abused before I could remember?

-Thanks

Patton03, anything is possible, but we [men] are hard-wired for territorial aggression and spreading our seed, so that may be all there is to blame. Somebody may correct me, but it's my understanding that infants cannot form any sort of long-term memories, as the neural pathways simply aren't connected enough. I wouldn't waste time wondering if you were abused as an infant. Fantasies, even dark and twisted ones, are normal. Like you, I too had fantasies of abusing women from my earliest memories, and this was before any sexual abuse occurred, which was around age 8, and I can assure you, I never buried a single memory of that. People don't tend to forget conscious memories of such impact.

As to the question of sexually abused children growing up to fantasise specifically about rape, I think that is misunderstood because they so often go on to sexually abuse others. It isn't necessary to harbour rape fantasies in order to rape. All that is necessary is pent-up, misdirected sexual rage, often along with substances that dampen pain and lower inhibitions. If you study the world of BDSM, you will note that there are far more submissive men than women; they often get off on being sexually abused and humiliated by their dominants. Many may be trying to reconcile past abuse through a controlled simulation of the abuse where there is always a safe, "happy" ending. In any case, there are far more submissives in general than dominants, so there may be a hell of a lot of abused people seeking solace. We 'rapists' are from a relatively small dominant group. (And not all "dominants" are truly dominant; some are just abusers unaware that they are passing on abuse to others.)

[JackInJill]

Originally Posted by RayPistonprowl

All who have posted their real stories here are brave for doing so, and if you haven't already, I hope you find a way to reconcile lingering pain in a constructive way. And nobody should feel ashamed about whatever they fantasise about - we have fantasies for a reason!

With regards to the bolded part, I agree 100%. I can't even imagine being able to sit down and write about such a traumatic experience, let alone the courage to let others hear about it.

[VelvetEEE]

I was my cousins slave for 4 years. I learned everything I know about sex from him. I hid it, and felt horrible, and confused for the fantasies I still have. I still cry when I orgasm.

[asianpussykat]

I applaud all the women on here who have told their stories. It is in a way cathardic to be able to share in an environment where people are kind and welcoming.

I was raped at 17. The only Asian in my high school, the nerdy, good student, good girl, I was taken to a party by friends. I knew a lot of the kids there, as I had just graduated, but felt out of place. The "friends" I went with wanted beer in order for them to stay and I wanted to stay, feeling like I finally "belonged" to the in crowd. I found a guy, a senior, who had a case of beer and got a few off of him for the money I had on me. Apparently, this was taken as me being interested, which I was not. The party was on a river in a cabin. I can still hear Jane's Addiction in my head sometimes, as it blared from the cabin. The cabin was set up with the bathrooms being outside, not in an outhouse, but more like a sauna type setting. On my way to the bathroom, I had not been drinking as I was the designated driver and had no interest in anything but the social interaction, the guy I got the beer from grabbed me. He pulled me into the woods about 50 feet from the house and started to pull at my sweatshirt. I tried to fight him off, but he was bigger and stronger. He couldnt get my sweatshirt off, so made himself happy with pushing it up along with my bra. He laughed at me and started to slap my face, pulling my hair and telling me I should be grateful. I was stunned, tried to call out for help, but the sound of the music and the sound from the river basically muted my calls for help. He ripped my jeans down around my knees, tearing the fly and threw me on the ground. To this day when I smell musty mulch I find myself back on that forest floor. He kicked me several times in the stomach knocking the wind out of me before he pulled one leg of my jeans off, taking the shoe with it. I was crying, could taste blood in my mouth and then his weight was on me. He kept talking in my ear how he was doing me a favor, that I was ugly and stupid and no one ever wanted me and would ever want me. Everytime I tried to push up to push him off my back, he'd yank my hair and slam my head into the ground. I could feel rocks and sticks cutting in my stomach, upper thighs and breasts. He rolled me over, pushing my legs apart, yanked and pinched my nipples and then took my virginity. The pain was immense, the shame and guilt even more overwhelming. He kept his face next to mine, telling me how worthless I was, etc. He finally came, inside me and then got up. As he got himself put back together he laughed and thanked me for a good time and then kicked me again and left. During the time he raped me I remember vividly looking up to see my friends driving away, leaving me stranded. I got myself redressed, knowing I was bleeding and my hair had dirt and twigs and leaves stuck in it and lamely hobbled to the cabin to find a ride home. I couldnt find a ride home and was feeling pretty frantic until the guy who had just raped me said he could give me a ride home. That was the last thing I wanted. A two hour car ride with the guy who thought raping me was doing me a favor. But he was my only option as most everyone was staying for the night. The drive home took 4 hours. He would stop along the way, pull over, pull me from the car and rape me or force me to give him head. When he got me home, he came to my side of the car, pulled me out by my hair and deposited me on my front yard. I remember walking inside, still feeling his hands on me, him inside me and hearing all the things he said. I also remember walking down the stairs to my room and having my mom sit at the top of stairs asking me if I had a good time. I couldnt tell her the truth, I wasn't supposed to be at a party. So I told her yes, not turning around. She did ask me the next day why my jeans were in the trash, but didnt notice the blood or the torn zipper. I was black and blue from the waist to my neck but was able to cover any light bruising on my face with makeup.

I told no one for 4 years. When I started having flashbacks and almost beat my then boyfriend to a pulp in my sleep I went to a counselor and was able to talk about it. When I told my parents, my dad asked me what I had been wearing and why I was at a party. They didn't get it, still don't get it.

The only regret I have is that I didn't report it. A few months ago this guy tried to friend me on facebook and that is when I realized that he didn't seem to know that what he did to me was wrong. I live daily with scars on my arms, knees and chest from his attack. But I also know I am a survivor and I am stronger today than I would have thought possible.

[minakums4u]

Hey everyone im new here and ive been reading some of the stories and i must say its pretty horrific what you ladies have been through and sometimes its does help to share your story..so here mine.

I was around 5 or 6 at the time when my mom took me over my aunts place so they could hang out or whatever. I was to play with my cousins while the grown ups talked and drank. My cousins were sleeping at the time except one (non-blood relation play cousin) so she and i were playing in one of the rooms of the house. My aunts boyfriend (real cousins father) was there as well my mom and aunt wanted to go get more drinks from the store and he offered to watch us while they went. I didnt think much on it at the time but i did get this sense of dread...ive always had a unique intuition though i didnt know how to read into at that age.

I guess you could say i was always a sexually curious child..i got tired of playing with toys and i asked my cousin (same age as me) if she wanted to touch each other. Soon as i laid i hand on her "He" opened the door with a devilish smile on his face saying that i was in big trouble and he took me out the room and told her to stay there. He closed the door behind us and said that if i didnt do what he said he'd tell my mom what we were doing. Now mind you my mom was a scary fucker when it came to punishments so i was naturally petrified just the thought of a belt to me was enough to keep my attention.

He leaned back against the wall, pulled down his pants and whipped it out. I recoiled a bit and he said remember if you dont do it and if you tell ill tell on you (oh btw he was in his mid 20's no more then 30). So he made me give him oral sex, my mouth couldnt even fit the thing into it fully so thankfully he stopped. He told me to rinse out my mouth and made me go back in the room with my cousin until my mom and aunt came back. Sometime later maybe a month or so i really dont remember when as ive tried to block it out completely to keep myself sane, i ended up alone with him again. I gave him oral sex again but only a bit and that time he stuck it in my rear..not fully of course (couldnt risk ripping me) but as much as it pleased him. I started crying about the pain of it and he stopped.

Years later around the age of 8 i had never told anyone i was too embarrassed about what id done to him and what he'd caught me doing so i stayed silent. Then one morning my moms boyfriend (brothers father) came into my room when i was half asleep. I could feel myself dreaming it was like i was having a wet dream..then suddenly i opened my eyes and he was there touching me rubbing me. I recoiled immediately i was so disgusted. My mom walked past and he hurriedly rushed to my window to pretend he was looking out of it. Long story short i fessed up to my mom she believed me while he was gone but he came back sweet talked her and she told me to never mention it again.

So what i went through was molestation and rape which is how i call it. I have been to counseling and it helped enough to where my parents know about it now, although im still plagued with memories so im not even close to being over it. The sad thing is, i sometimes wish i had been at least a teenager when it happened ...i just wonder sometimes if my mind wouldve been able to handle it better instead of being a 5 year old child. I do have rape fantasies even after all of that which confuses the hell out of me but i do. The only thing i would not want to be forced to do is oral sex i think i would have a meltdown. Sorry if this post was extremely long i tried to tell this is quickly as possible.