Tell me a joke..

[jwham]

One day while at the White House, the maid was cleaning the Oval Office's bird cage -- but, while she was doing it, the parrot flew out the window. The maid was scared that President Clinton would find out and she would be fired. So she went to the pet store and asked the clerk if they had any parrots similar to the one she had lost. The clerk said yes, they had one that looked just like it, but the bird had been in a whorehouse for three years. The maid figured it was better than nothing and bought it.

When she took it back to the White House she put the parrot back in the cage like nothing happened. Later that day, Hillary came in and the parrot said “Too old, too old” -- the First Lady was a bit peeved, but thought nothing of it.

A little bit after that Chelsea came in and the parrot said, “Too young, too young.”

A couple hours later, President Clinton came into the room and the bird chirped enthusiastically, “Hi Bill! Hi Bill!”

[ShyAngel]

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,
bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be
able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it
turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a
big frickin red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond. Dumb ass.

[fival]

what do you get when you cross and onion and a jackass


a piece of ass that will bring a tear to your eye

[pervipete]

There once was a lady from Leeds
Who swallowed a packet of seeds
In less then a hour her tits were in flower
and her bum was covered in weeds

[ShyAngel]

Mrs. McGervey was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father O'Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. McGervey and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?' She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'

The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'

She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'

The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.'

She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.' They then parted ways.

Some years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. McGervey, how are ye these days?' She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!' The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?'

She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!'

The Father said, 'That's wonderful! How is yer lovin' hoosband doing?'

She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle.

[pervipete]

Don't buy a retarded Dwarf, it ain't big and it ain't clever

[pervipete]

Originally Posted by ShyAngel

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief
who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied,
"From the tip of my weenie to my testicles."

And in the spirit of this...

At the end of Desert Storm 'Stormin'' Norman Swarzkopf and the head of the British forces, General Sir Peter De La Billiere, were in a hanger having an argument over whose forces were braver. Suddenly Swarzkopf, said, I know how to solve this, and called over one of his US Marine bodygaurds, 'Son' he went 'go to the top of the building over there and jump off' The marine looks up at the forty foot building, salutes and replies 'Sir, yes sir' before promptly running off. He climbs to the top of the building salutes again and jumps, breaking both legs. Fighting through the pain, for the honour of the US Marines, he limps over to the two Genarals, who tell him to get medical assistance.

'See' beams the US General, 'that's bravery'

Sir Peter shakes his and head and calls of the head of his Royal Marine bodyguards, a grizzled Falklands vet, pointing to building, he orders him to jump off. The Marine looks at him, looks at the building, looks at the generals again, salutes and goes 'Bollocks Sir' walking off, Sir Peter turns to the US General and goes 'now that's bravery!'

[Fibonacci]

LOL, I've just read that on an online chat

(In Czech)
A: Hey, could you help me? How to say in English I like somebody - I speak only German.
B: Try 'love'.
A: I don't want to say 'love'. Rather 'to like' or something like that.
B: Then 'rape'.
-- after a while --
A: Ok, at least they will see I am a family type. I have written: I rape my friends and family ... Hope there will not be much mistakes!

LOL

[doggystylethatgirl]

Why was tiger looking in the toilet ?

























He was looking for Pooh

[pervipete]

It was the night of the Superheroe of the Year Awards, and all the heroes were gathered in the hall awaiting the winner, Superman, they stood there waiting, and waiting and waiting. Anyway three hours past and everybody were about to go when in through the door comes a thoroughly dishevelled man of steele.

'What happened' everybody asked

Blushing, he replied 'I was flying in on my way, when I look down, and there, lying on the ground is buck naked wonder woman, legs apart, playing with her tits. I think, I going to have a piece of that and down I go'

Batman laughed, 'Bet she was surprised'

Superman gulped 'not as surprised as the Invisble Man was!!'

[pervipete]

A TALE OF "IRISH" COFFEE
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.

"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.

"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin."

"That's not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. Drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went".

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"

"What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it into his coffee and the effect was almost immediate.
He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely!
With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to
tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop!"

"It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

"Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?" asked the doctor.

"Freakin' jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"

[Lucy.]

A bishop was travelling home on a bus. When it stopped at a stop a drunk football supporter got on still drinking his beer and sat next to the Bishop.

The bishop ignored it at first but eventually turned to the guy and said "Young man, do you not realise you are on the road to perdition?"

"Oh, Hell," replied the guy, "I could have sworn this bus went to Llanelli."

[pervipete]

Originally Posted by lucy.

a bishop was travelling home on a bus. When it stopped at a stop a drunk football supporter got on still drinking his beer and sat next to the bishop.

The bishop ignored it at first but eventually turned to the guy and said "young man, do you not realise you are on the road to perdition?"

"oh, hell," replied the guy, "i could have sworn this bus went to llanelli."

Cool

[pervipete]

A woman is walking past a pet shop when she spies a sign reading 'inside fanny licking frog'

She enters and asks 'where is the fanny licking frog?'

The man behind the counter looks up and goes 'Bonjour'

[sindyloo]

Cute one Pete! I myself love...French Frogs.


Did you hear that 9 out of 10 men who tried Camels, preferred Women?


Do you know why Scotsmen wear Kilts? Because Sheep can hear Zippers!

[Lucy.]

Liverpool football team decided to find the best players all over the world. They heard there was a good young Iraqi player and decided to buy him. After a while their best player broke his leg and they played this boy. He was an instant success and scored the winning goal. When he got home he phoned his mum.

Boy : Mum! Mum! Our best player broke his leg so I got to play. I scored 3 goals and won the game!

Mother : Thats great Sanjid. But I have some bad news. While you were away I was gangraped, your sister was abducted and your father was beaten badly.

Boy : Oh no!! Thats awful.

Mother : Yes, we've had enough of Liverpool, we're going back to Baghdad in the morning.

[pervipete]

Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumour.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.


One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, 'Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?'

'Wait a moment,' Socrates replied. 'Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test.'

'Triple filter?' asked the acquaintance.

'That's right,' Socrates continued. 'Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?'

'No,' the man said, 'actually I just heard about it.'

'All right,' said Socrates. 'So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?'

'No, on the contrary ....'.

'So,' Socrates continued, 'you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?'.

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued.' You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?'

'No, not really...'

'Well,' concluded Socrates, 'if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?'

The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out that Plato was shagging his wife.

[Mugga123]

IKEA has decided to make new lesbian furniture in relation to gay marriage being allowed in some countries. This furniture has no screwing, it's all tongue in groove

[Mugga123]

This man goes to the library and tries to hire a book on how to suicide, the librarian turns to him and says "Fuck off, you won't bring it back".

[Mugga123]

Beer...

helping ugly people to get laid since 1876.

Rohypnol...

guaranteeing it since 1992.