Why the secrecy? - Rape Board

Sasha Girl · 04-23-2013, 06:59 AM

I was on another website (that shall remain nameless) reading about fantasies. This woman wanted to be fucked rough, have her hair pulled, be forced to do things and have the man ejaculate on her face. Toward the end of her post, she wrote "I also secretly love being humiliated."

This made me think. Why does this desire have to be secret? I mean... I understand about the rape fantasy, that can be too easily misunderstood. But simple hair pulling and humiliation? Where's the harm in that?

It seems to me that many people share fantasies involving forced sex and domination/submission of some kind. There have been studies done, apparently, that confirm this (sorry, I don't have the citations at hand. I read about the studies in a newspaper and it was a while ago). It's almost as though the whole society is taking part in a charade. Saying one thing, while doing completely another behind closed doors. Ok, so it's not the whole of society, but you catch my drift.

I wonder: what would happen if for just one day, everyone told the truth about their sexual preferences? Would the world come to an end? Why do we need all this secrecy? The most harmful aspect of it - of course - is when people meet potential partners and fail to mention their preferences. Why? Because they're embarrassed to admit to what they really like. But they shouldn't be. They really shouldn't be.

Right?

Res · 04-23-2013, 08:53 AM

Yeah. I don't understand the secrecy either. I mean, it's not like I tell my friends all my fetishes, or even talk about sex with them at all (depending on the friend). But potential partners? I'm extremely open about my interests. Even rape fantasy if they ask. I find that potential partners of mine are also very kinky people themselves though. So odds are we'd be very similar.

pervipete · 04-23-2013, 10:12 AM

I suppose what would be considered kinky to some would be a little vanilla to those like us and some of these others, who rightfully considered themselves to be a little naughtier than the norm would be shocked into insensibility by even some of the more middle of the road stuff here.

Sierra · 04-23-2013, 10:13 AM

In theory I agree with you, Sasha. However, aside from the people in our cozy little online community I have not felt the need to share the details of my sex life. There is a point when "being open and honest" crosses over in to "too much information".

It's actually something I have wrestled with over the years. I was madly in lust with a guy back in the day, but when I started hinting about my kinks he ran away horrified and I never saw him again. Another thought that if I have those fantasies I might like being raped for real. He ran away, too - clutching his balls. My current partner I met right here on RB and so we both knew the score before we met IRL, which cleared away a lot of the underbrush.

pervipete · 04-23-2013, 10:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sierra

My current partner I met right here on RB and so we both knew the score before we met IRL, which cleared away a lot of the underbrush.

That does help.

Abby · 04-23-2013, 10:23 AM

In the past I was very ashamed of my likes and dislikes. I don't talk to my friends much about that type of stuff and none of the guys I had dated were into kinky things. So I just held back that part of my self.

Now it's something I talk about with someone in depth before I ever get into bed with them. The relationship I see my self in long term involves this kind of play and I won't settle for vanilla ever again. I'm finding now that I'm older, guys are more willing and excited to try just about everything I like.

Now that ive opened up to people, I find each time gets easier and easier. I like what I like and I'm not embarrassed about it. If you don't like it, I understand, but no way am I ever going back to something I don't like.

BAMF · 04-23-2013, 11:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Abby

In the past I was very ashamed of my likes and dislikes. I don't talk to my friends much about that type of stuff and none of the guys I had dated were into kinky things. So I just held back that part of my self.

Now it's something I talk about with someone in depth before I ever get into bed with them. The relationship I see my self in long term involves this kind of play and I won't settle for vanilla ever again. I'm finding now that I'm older, guys are more willing and excited to try just about everything I like.

Now that ive opened up to people, I find each time gets easier and easier. I like what I like and I'm not embarrassed about it. If you don't like it, I understand, but no way am I ever going back to something I don't like.

+1 and right on!!!

GermanChick · 04-23-2013, 11:47 AM

I think we're talking about two different things -
with the OP asking 'why are we not honest about our kinks' it could mean really one of two things.
Honest with ourselves and partners OR
Honest with the world around us.

I agree with everyone else that we should be honest with our partners or potential partners when we speak about our preferences - to me that is a no brainer. Sharing myself in that way with my husband has brought about the best sex in our marriage.

The honesty with society at large is a double sided sword imo. All of us, even the kinky ones, judge others according to what we perceive as 'normal' - that will never change.
Just because I feel sexually liberated knowing that i have certain kinks doesn't mean however that the little old lady across the street or the 18 yo teenager down the street needs to know about them

I try to be as accepting as possible to everyone's limits - and that includes those of my vanilla friends too. Oversharing is not something that needs to happen if we don't know how the other people feel about it imo, I always ask myself if anything good will come from me approaching the subject and judge on a case by case basis

LIDM99810 · 04-23-2013, 12:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GermanChick

I think we're talking about two different things -
with the OP asking 'why are we not honest about our kinks' it could mean really one of two things.
Honest with ourselves and partners OR
Honest with the world around us.

I agree with everyone else that we should be honest with our partners or potential partners when we speak about our preferences - to me that is a no brainer. Sharing myself in that way with my husband has brought about the best sex in our marriage.

The honesty with society at large is a double sided sword imo. All of us, even the kinky ones, judge others according to what we perceive as 'normal' - that will never change.
Just because I feel sexually liberated knowing that i have certain kinks doesn't mean however that the little old lady across the street or the 18 yo teenager down the street needs to know about them

I try to be as accepting as possible to everyone's limits - and that includes those of my vanilla friends too. Oversharing is not something that needs to happen if we don't know how the other people feel about it imo, I always ask myself if anything good will come from me approaching the subject and judge on a case by case basis

Completely agree

Abby · 04-23-2013, 01:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GermanChick

I think we're talking about two different things -
with the OP asking 'why are we not honest about our kinks' it could mean really one of two things.
Honest with ourselves and partners OR
Honest with the world around us.

I agree with everyone else that we should be honest with our partners or potential partners when we speak about our preferences - to me that is a no brainer. Sharing myself in that way with my husband has brought about the best sex in our marriage.

The honesty with society at large is a double sided sword imo. All of us, even the kinky ones, judge others according to what we perceive as 'normal' - that will never change.
Just because I feel sexually liberated knowing that i have certain kinks doesn't mean however that the little old lady across the street or the 18 yo teenager down the street needs to know about them

I try to be as accepting as possible to everyone's limits - and that includes those of my vanilla friends too. Oversharing is not something that needs to happen if we don't know how the other people feel about it imo, I always ask myself if anything good will come from me approaching the subject and judge on a case by case basis

Absolutely agree. Just because I'm comfy with my likes and dislikes doesn't mean everyone I come in contact with needs to know about them. I'm becoming active in the bdsm community in my area, but outside of those friends I don't share this part of myself with others. There's a time and a place for this type of stuff.

pervipete · 04-23-2013, 01:44 PM

Anyway, having a dirty little secret is quite fun, something to think quietly while bored witless at work

jwham · 04-23-2013, 02:59 PM

I agree with those that are saying what goes on behind closed doors should stay behind closed doors. You have to weigh benefit vs consequence, and if the possible consequences out weight the possible benefits why do it? In RL, my sexual kinks are only revealed on a need to know basis, if I aint going to fuck ya, you don’t need to know.

Sasha Girl · 04-23-2013, 05:27 PM

Those are all valid points, that focus on what is. Not what could be. My question could really be re-phrased to read: "When did certain kinks become such a bad thing?"

It isn't true that we don't talk about sex in society. We talk about it a lot. It's in all the magazines, a lot of the TV shows and movies, and of course books. That's people expressing their views on sex, right there. In the public arena. Take a look at the 50 shades and how much interest it generated. Though poorly written, it has done something for us, by making kink slightly more socially acceptable. Well, I'm just wondering when did it become so unacceptable? Surely, humans weren't always this reserved.

I hope that clarifies the question. Of course, I don't discuss my sex life with strangers, or the lady down at the grocer's. I never meant to suggest as much.

Dangerdevil · 04-23-2013, 05:53 PM

You must spread some reputation around before giving it to GermanChick again.

100% agree - there are people to be open about your kinks with and people with whom it is not. Although I'm a fairly open and honest individual, my sex life remains my own business. My kinks are shared with those who need to know (and even discussing them here is me hiding behind the mask of a screen name). Frankly, as prurient as the subject might be, I really don't want to know what my co-workers and casual friends' kinks are. I'm sure at least one or two of them are into stuff that would change my opinion about them forever, and not necessarily in a good way.

DarkHorse · 04-24-2013, 08:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sasha Girl

"When did certain kinks become such a bad thing?"

It isn't true that we don't talk about sex in society. We talk about it a lot. It's in all the magazines, a lot of the TV shows and movies, and of course books. That's people expressing their views on sex, right there. In the public arena.

Yes, people talk about sex all the time, but it in the mainstream it's usually about how to get what you want or take what you want, a la "Sex in the City".

As to your question, back to my oft cited philosophy that "words mean things". It seems to me that sexual practice which our current society collectively feels are good or healthy are referred to as "sexuality", and we are encouraged to explore. "Kinks", on the other hand, are called kinks to deliberately separate them from what most folks consider to be normal sexuality - by "normal" people. Not "normal", not "like us", therefore ... bad.

I, for one, am happy to be part of the people who aren't happy with just "normal", even if I have to hide it from the boring, normal people I deal with everyday. Why waste your time worrying about what boring, judgmental people think about you?

Sierra · 04-24-2013, 11:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sasha Girl

My question could really be re-phrased to read: "When did certain kinks become such a bad thing?"

I think sexual mores are essentially founded on survival of the species, which in turn is based on breeding. If it's counter-survival we consider it "wrong".

Incest? Could lead to defective babies so it's "wrong".

Homosexuality? Doesn't lead to babies at all so it's "wrong".

Rape? Not only damages the female for further breeding but upsets the pecking order in that a male takes a woman he hasn't won. So it's "wrong".

Then, being the sort of species who can't leave well enough alone, we hang a lot of guilt and taboo and shame on all these things. The few people who can think for themselves might like to play with fire a little. Most of what we talk about here is counter-survival and considered wrong by the vast majority. That adds a little spice to the proceedings, in my case.

...

Gad. I must have had just enough wine to sound like a pompous ass. As you were. I'll have another glass.

FuckingRotter · 04-25-2013, 01:39 AM

People can't even agree on what is acceptable in this tiny little sample of the world of perverts. There's no benefit in revealing to the world at large that I enjoy girls that already get asked for identification when they buy booze, even though they are well over the age of consent, dressing up in a school uniform, and then fucking them whilst they pretend they don't want me to.

Can't really expect my sister for example who has teenage daughters, to understand or accept that, or anyone else for that matter. It's naive to think otherwise. If I went around revealing it to the world at large it would probably get me lynched.

perfectlyformed · 04-25-2013, 05:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by FuckingRotter

People can't even agree on what is acceptable in this tiny little sample of the world of perverts. There's no benefit in revealing to the world at large that I enjoy girls that already get asked for identification when they buy booze, even though they are well over the age of consent, dressing up in a school uniform, and then fucking them whilst they pretend they don't want me to.

Can't really expect my sister for example who has teenage daughters, to understand or accept that, or anyone else for that matter. It's naive to think otherwise. If I went around revealing it to the world at large it would probably get me lynched.

Its just as well we have this place I guess. We're a pretty unsavoury bunch but at least we can see through the sexual tastes and just get on...generally

x

insearchof33333 · 04-25-2013, 06:09 AM

Wow , what a bunch of perverts?

So shocked! I mean...Well I never in my life thought!

HELLO everyone

Don't you love that sometimes those who "judge" the loudest, can be the worst offenders?

Hey I'll go with " be all that you can ( want to ) be" personally; as long as no kittens are harmed in the act.

Molly Girl · 04-25-2013, 08:45 AM

I'm pretty open about my sex life and what I want in bed, but as FR says it's a case of choosing who I reveal that to, there's no point telling my parents for example as I'm pretty sure they'd be horrified and disgusted as would a few of my friends, although the majority know and it's caused more than a few problems as they see my ex husband as some sort of wife beater rather than a Dom and Sadist, and me as a victim of abuse rather than a sub who enjoys being flogged and raped whenever he chooses.

They don't understand and that is fine, what is annoying is they believe they do and get completely the wrong idea.

04-23-2013, 06:59 AM	#1
Sasha Girl Privileged Member Join Date: Apr 2013 Location: Australia Posts: 268 Reputation: 2013	Why the secrecy? I was on another website (that shall remain nameless) reading about fantasies. This woman wanted to be fucked rough, have her hair pulled, be forced to do things and have the man ejaculate on her face. Toward the end of her post, she wrote "I also secretly love being humiliated." This made me think. Why does this desire have to be secret? I mean... I understand about the rape fantasy, that can be too easily misunderstood. But simple hair pulling and humiliation? Where's the harm in that? It seems to me that many people share fantasies involving forced sex and domination/submission of some kind. There have been studies done, apparently, that confirm this (sorry, I don't have the citations at hand. I read about the studies in a newspaper and it was a while ago). It's almost as though the whole society is taking part in a charade. Saying one thing, while doing completely another behind closed doors. Ok, so it's not the whole of society, but you catch my drift. I wonder: what would happen if for just one day, everyone told the truth about their sexual preferences? Would the world come to an end? Why do we need all this secrecy? The most harmful aspect of it - of course - is when people meet potential partners and fail to mention their preferences. Why? Because they're embarrassed to admit to what they really like. But they shouldn't be. They really shouldn't be. Right? __________________ I'm a wicked, vile, horrible and perfect man. - the Savage, during one of his more modest moments. "I'm a sex addict - it's my cross to bear." - from "The Blades of Glory"

04-23-2013, 10:12 AM	#3
pervipete Watching from the shadows Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: The Shadowlands... Posts: 5,170 Reputation: 118528	I suppose what would be considered kinky to some would be a little vanilla to those like us and some of these others, who rightfully considered themselves to be a little naughtier than the norm would be shocked into insensibility by even some of the more middle of the road stuff here. __________________ Tonight love, we'll do a rape roleplay No!! That's the spirit... Spam Reporting Thread The Hazelton Chronicles Blackmailing the MILF's Chapter One The Rape Board Chronicles - LilLinzi in the Alley Consquences

04-23-2013, 10:13 AM	#4
Sierra Privileged Member Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: Northern California Posts: 1,625 Reputation: 129196	In theory I agree with you, Sasha. However, aside from the people in our cozy little online community I have not felt the need to share the details of my sex life. There is a point when "being open and honest" crosses over in to "too much information". It's actually something I have wrestled with over the years. I was madly in lust with a guy back in the day, but when I started hinting about my kinks he ran away horrified and I never saw him again. Another thought that if I have those fantasies I might like being raped for real. He ran away, too - clutching his balls. My current partner I met right here on RB and so we both knew the score before we met IRL, which cleared away a lot of the underbrush. __________________ Although the most incisive judges of the witches and even the witches themselves were convinced of the guilt of witchcraft, this guilt nevertheless did not exist. Thus it is with all guilt.

04-23-2013, 01:44 PM	#11
pervipete Watching from the shadows Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: The Shadowlands... Posts: 5,170 Reputation: 118528	Anyway, having a dirty little secret is quite fun, something to think quietly while bored witless at work __________________ Tonight love, we'll do a rape roleplay No!! That's the spirit... Spam Reporting Thread The Hazelton Chronicles Blackmailing the MILF's Chapter One The Rape Board Chronicles - LilLinzi in the Alley Consquences

04-23-2013, 05:27 PM	#13
Sasha Girl Privileged Member Join Date: Apr 2013 Location: Australia Posts: 268 Reputation: 2013	Those are all valid points, that focus on what is. Not what could be. My question could really be re-phrased to read: "When did certain kinks become such a bad thing?" It isn't true that we don't talk about sex in society. We talk about it a lot. It's in all the magazines, a lot of the TV shows and movies, and of course books. That's people expressing their views on sex, right there. In the public arena. Take a look at the 50 shades and how much interest it generated. Though poorly written, it has done something for us, by making kink slightly more socially acceptable. Well, I'm just wondering when did it become so unacceptable? Surely, humans weren't always this reserved. I hope that clarifies the question. Of course, I don't discuss my sex life with strangers, or the lady down at the grocer's. I never meant to suggest as much. __________________ I'm a wicked, vile, horrible and perfect man. - the Savage, during one of his more modest moments. "I'm a sex addict - it's my cross to bear." - from "The Blades of Glory"

04-23-2013, 08:53 AM	#2
Res Junior Member Join Date: Apr 2013 Posts: 10 Reputation: 269	Yeah. I don't understand the secrecy either. I mean, it's not like I tell my friends all my fetishes, or even talk about sex with them at all (depending on the friend). But potential partners? I'm extremely open about my interests. Even rape fantasy if they ask. I find that potential partners of mine are also very kinky people themselves though. So odds are we'd be very similar.

04-23-2013, 10:23 AM	#6
Abby Junior Member Join Date: Sep 2012 Posts: 29 Reputation: 1994	In the past I was very ashamed of my likes and dislikes. I don't talk to my friends much about that type of stuff and none of the guys I had dated were into kinky things. So I just held back that part of my self. Now it's something I talk about with someone in depth before I ever get into bed with them. The relationship I see my self in long term involves this kind of play and I won't settle for vanilla ever again. I'm finding now that I'm older, guys are more willing and excited to try just about everything I like. Now that ive opened up to people, I find each time gets easier and easier. I like what I like and I'm not embarrassed about it. If you don't like it, I understand, but no way am I ever going back to something I don't like.

04-23-2013, 11:47 AM	#8
GermanChick Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2013 Location: The South Posts: 188 Reputation: 7146	I think we're talking about two different things - with the OP asking 'why are we not honest about our kinks' it could mean really one of two things. Honest with ourselves and partners OR Honest with the world around us. I agree with everyone else that we should be honest with our partners or potential partners when we speak about our preferences - to me that is a no brainer. Sharing myself in that way with my husband has brought about the best sex in our marriage. The honesty with society at large is a double sided sword imo. All of us, even the kinky ones, judge others according to what we perceive as 'normal' - that will never change. Just because I feel sexually liberated knowing that i have certain kinks doesn't mean however that the little old lady across the street or the 18 yo teenager down the street needs to know about them I try to be as accepting as possible to everyone's limits - and that includes those of my vanilla friends too. Oversharing is not something that needs to happen if we don't know how the other people feel about it imo, I always ask myself if anything good will come from me approaching the subject and judge on a case by case basis

04-23-2013, 02:59 PM	#12
jwham Privileged Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: USA Posts: 1,007 Reputation: 23285	I agree with those that are saying what goes on behind closed doors should stay behind closed doors. You have to weigh benefit vs consequence, and if the possible consequences out weight the possible benefits why do it? In RL, my sexual kinks are only revealed on a need to know basis, if I aint going to fuck ya, you don’t need to know.

04-23-2013, 05:53 PM	#14
Dangerdevil Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Apopka, FL Posts: 185 Reputation: 4110	You must spread some reputation around before giving it to GermanChick again. 100% agree - there are people to be open about your kinks with and people with whom it is not. Although I'm a fairly open and honest individual, my sex life remains my own business. My kinks are shared with those who need to know (and even discussing them here is me hiding behind the mask of a screen name). Frankly, as prurient as the subject might be, I really don't want to know what my co-workers and casual friends' kinks are. I'm sure at least one or two of them are into stuff that would change my opinion about them forever, and not necessarily in a good way.

04-25-2013, 01:39 AM	#17
FuckingRotter The Fist of Fury. Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: Entering the.... Posts: 9,649 Reputation: 118903	People can't even agree on what is acceptable in this tiny little sample of the world of perverts. There's no benefit in revealing to the world at large that I enjoy girls that already get asked for identification when they buy booze, even though they are well over the age of consent, dressing up in a school uniform, and then fucking them whilst they pretend they don't want me to. Can't really expect my sister for example who has teenage daughters, to understand or accept that, or anyone else for that matter. It's naive to think otherwise. If I went around revealing it to the world at large it would probably get me lynched. __________________ Fist is a four letter word. So is fist, fist, fist, fist, fist, fist fist, fist, fist, fist, fist, and, well you get the fist-fucking picture.... THE WESTCOUNTRY SHALL RISE AGAIN! Yay! It's pink! Don't think.... FEEL! We're Englishmen, and we came here, to rape your women and drink your beer. I went back in time and voted for Hitler. Pouring oil on troubled waters since 2008. Then lighting a fucking match.

04-25-2013, 06:09 AM	#19
insearchof33333 Privileged Member Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Mid Atlantic Posts: 673 Reputation: 5382	Wow , what a bunch of perverts? So shocked! I mean...Well I never in my life thought! HELLO everyone Don't you love that sometimes those who "judge" the loudest, can be the worst offenders? Hey I'll go with " be all that you can ( want to ) be" personally; as long as no kittens are harmed in the act. Last edited by insearchof33333; 04-25-2013 at 06:12 AM.

04-25-2013, 08:45 AM	#20
Molly Girl Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2013 Location: England Posts: 142 Reputation: 10383	I'm pretty open about my sex life and what I want in bed, but as FR says it's a case of choosing who I reveal that to, there's no point telling my parents for example as I'm pretty sure they'd be horrified and disgusted as would a few of my friends, although the majority know and it's caused more than a few problems as they see my ex husband as some sort of wife beater rather than a Dom and Sadist, and me as a victim of abuse rather than a sub who enjoys being flogged and raped whenever he chooses. They don't understand and that is fine, what is annoying is they believe they do and get completely the wrong idea.