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Old 06-09-2013, 07:31 PM   #1
SydneyLana
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Default Hey everyone, New girl from Aus

I thought I'd introduce myself.

I'm a 26 year old girl from Australia. As somebody who has raped twice in the past (I'm not sure if I'm allowed to share the stories of what happened as the forum rules says no real rape? If I'm allowed then I'll go into detail), I've always felt a bit guilty that I've thought about it happening more often. Though recently after literature I've read, it appears fairly normal for rape victims to continue to think about it. After browsing the forum it appears I'm not the only one though, which I take a lot of comfort in.

So, hello
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Old 06-09-2013, 09:21 PM   #2
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Welcome to the forum. I do believe that it is permissible to discuss you own experiences as a rape victim on the forum, although not advisable - basically, anyone can read them (not just members) and while the admins/mods are very diligent in keeping actual sexual predators out of the membership, it is highly likely that some the sorts that will are the kind of men who will really get off on your pain and suffering for real, and may be moved to do something about it. But yeah, you're correct in that a lot of survivors of rape develop fantasies about it for a variety of reasons. Hope that your time here helps you deal with it if you need to, or arouse you if that's what you prefer.
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Old 06-09-2013, 11:10 PM   #3
SydneyLana
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Thanks for the welcome Dangerdevil!

I pretty much find rape so arousing now. Thinking back to it when it happened the second time to me I even find that arousing. The first time however I was only a young teenager and I was so young and there was so much pain, both physical and mental, that I don't get any pleasure from it and thinking of it actually hurts.

The second time it happened though I was in my late teens and it was done by my boyfriend. Our relationship had been fairly bad for a while. We just didn't see eye to eye on many things. We were sitting in his bedroom and I told him that there was no point continuing on with things. He got fairly physical and shoved me so i fell back. I sat back up and slapped him, then it was just pretty crazy. Like something and snapped in him. He just got on top of me and pulled my undies down with one hand then it just happened. I remember him having his hand over my mouth at one point and whispering in my ear as he was doing it (he had house mates) "You like that you little bitch". I remember after he finished getting off me and just looking at me with anger (when HE was the one that just commited rape wtf), and then I ran out crying. I remember his house mates saying what's wrong and him answering that we had just broken up. I had no undies on so there had been cum dribbling down my thighs. Called my mum to pick me up and then decided to forget about it. That night, many years later, is my most vivid memory of him. It's so burnt into my head. The colour of the sheets, the colour of the walls, what he was wearing (a black band shirt and denim shorts). Sometimes I replay it thinking shit he only had two hands, how on earth could I not get out of that? How could he pull down my undies, his pants, and keep me pinned? But it went so fast and I don't blame myself at all.I haven't seen him since that night and don't intend to again. When the actual act was happening though, part of it felt good. Like, the act still felt good. I remember thinking "man its happening again"..

Since that second time I've had sooo many confusing emotions. A lot of guilt because part of me liked it even though I didn't want it. Of thinking back and having feelings of well I deserved it, it's what I'm for,.. confusion about having a normal sexual relationship after that and how it was just different and didn't seem 'right'.

99% of the times when I masturbate, it's always rape fantasies now. I feel like if it happened again I'd probably enjoy it. (Not that I would want it to happen again because I don't want stds etc).. but part of me wishes it actually happens again and I feel like a bit of a screw up.

But besides this dark side of me I'm very happy with who I am now and I'm very happy with my life.

so that's a bit more about me!
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Old 06-10-2013, 06:08 PM   #4
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Welcome. Nice to have more ladies joining up.
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Old 06-10-2013, 07:15 PM   #5
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Wow, that's a powerful confession Lana.

Thank you for sharing and here's hoping you find what you're looking for here. It's certainly a non-judgemental place to share your "dark side".

In your fantasies are you always a helpless victim, or do you instigate your rape?
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Old 06-11-2013, 07:34 AM   #6
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Welcome to RB!
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