Sick Jokes (very Very Offensive) Be Warned - Page 9 - Rape Board

Mugga123 · 09-12-2008, 07:31 PM

I was walking on the beach and saw this girl, no arms and no legs, she was crying. I asked her what was wrong and she told me she'd never been kissed. So I kissed her.

Next day, same thing except she said she'd never been touched, so I fondled her and touched her.

The next day, I saw her again and she's still crying, I said "What's wrong now?", she responded with "I've never been fucked". I picked her up threw her in the water and said "You're fucked now bitch".

batffink · 09-12-2008, 08:55 PM

Just a couple off the top of my head:

The local Stationmaster was having a few beers with his mates and said "I had an incredible experience last night. I saw something on the tracks so I went to investigate and found it was a woman who had tied herself to the rails."
"So what did you do"
"I untied her and took her back to my place and made a strong cup of coffee then turned the lights down, put some soft music on, had a couple of drinks and took her to bed."
"What happened then?"
"I had the wildest night of sex I've ever had, it was totally mind blowing"
"Was she good looking?"
"I don't know, I couldn't find her head!"

What's the difference between PMT and Mad Cows Disease?
One is Mad Cows Disease and the other is an agricultural infection.
&
What's the similarity between a mobile phone and a clitoris?
Both turn on with the touch of a finger and every cunt's got one!

Mugga123 · 09-12-2008, 11:11 PM

Why is it called PMS?
Cause Mad Cow Disease was already taken

bayresident · 09-15-2008, 02:09 PM

Statistically, 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape

sindyloo · 09-15-2008, 02:17 PM

Cute loved that one!!

Speaking of surveys??

Did you know that 9 out of 10 male scientists that tried Camels...preferred women??

freak101 · 09-16-2008, 02:26 AM

not sure if this has been said...

wut do u tell a woman with two black eyes???

nothin...u already told her twice

Mugga123 · 09-16-2008, 02:53 AM

What do you call the fleshy thing around the Clitoris?
The woman

batffink · 09-16-2008, 08:27 PM

Why do girls have legs?

So they don't leave snail trails!

bedslave · 09-16-2008, 10:41 PM

whats the difference between a gay man and a microwave ?

You cant brown your meat in a microwave

Mugga123 · 09-17-2008, 11:53 PM

Whats the difference between having sex anally and a fridge,
A fridge doesn't fart when you pull your meat out.

Mugga123 · 09-17-2008, 11:54 PM

Whats the difference between a 16 year old girl and a washing machine?
A washing machine doesn't follow you around for a week after you dump your load in it.

MADDOGMCMANAMAN · 09-18-2008, 04:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mugga123

I was walking on the beach and saw this girl, no arms and no legs, she was crying. I asked her what was wrong and she told me she'd never been kissed. So I kissed her.

Next day, same thing except she said she'd never been touched, so I fondled her and touched her.

The next day, I saw her again and she's still crying, I said "What's wrong now?", she responded with "I've never been fucked". I picked her up threw her in the water and said "You're fucked now bitch".

roflamaolamaofoeofl !!

Mugga i swear to god some of your jokes crack me up !!

i gonna use some of them in my local - see how long i last before im banned lol

ShyAngel · 09-22-2008, 02:41 AM

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigerette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1 What's that?
Lady 2 A condom.
Lady 1 Where'd you get it?
Lady 2 You can get them at any Chemist.

The next day lady 1 hobbles into the local chemist and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a packet of condoms. The pharmacist looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, in her 80's), but politely asks what brand she perfers. Doesn't matter, she replies , as long as it fits a Camel.

The pharmacist fainted.

---------------------------------
Next one
---------------------------------
A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his doctor and asks him what he can do.

The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured by inserting a suppository up his anal passage.

The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over and shoves the thing way up his behind.

The doctor then hands him a second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours.

So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds that he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth.

He calls his wife over and tells her what to do.

The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home.

Suddenly the man screams, "NOOO..!" "What's the matter?" asked the wife, "Did I hurt you?"

"No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulder."

older and wiser · 09-23-2008, 06:19 AM

Why did God give women a pussy?

So men would talk to them

Trill · 09-25-2008, 12:59 PM

(Note: I learned this joke in the fifth grade. What a happy childhood I had... :P)

There was a fly flying twelve inches above the water. Below the fly was a catfish, and the catfish knew that if the fly dropped six inches, the catfish could jump up and get it. On the shore behind the catish was a bear, and the bear knew that if the fly dropped six inches, the catfish could jump up and get it and the bear could get the catfish. Behind the bear was a hunter, and the hunter knew that if the fly dropped six inches, the catfish could jump up and get it, the bear could get the catfish and the hunter could shoot the bear. Behind the hunter was a mouse, and the mouse knew that if the fly dropped six inches, the catfish could jump up and get it, the bear could get the catfish, the hunter could shoot the bear and the mouse would get the hunter's sandwiches. Behind the mouse was a cat, and the cat knew that if the fly dropped six inches, the catfish could jump up and get it, the bear could get the catfish, the hunter could shoot the bear, the mouse would get the hunter's sandwiches and the cat would get the mouse.

Suddenly the fly dropped. The catfish snapped up the fly and the bear waded in. Bang! The hunter shot the bear and the mouse made it's move on the sandwiches. The cat jumped, missed the mouse, and landed in the water.

What's the moral of the story?

If a fly drops six inches, there will always be a wet pussy.

sindyloo · 09-25-2008, 05:12 PM

Whats "Taint"??

Its that small area of flesh between the pussy and the asshole!

"Taint" pussy and "Taint" Ass??

But one Slip of the Tongue and you`re in deep Shit!!

Fibonacci · 09-26-2008, 03:33 AM

If your left leg would be Christmas and your right leg a New Year,
then I would love
to visit you between those holidays!

Trill · 09-28-2008, 11:58 AM

A cop stops his police car when he sees a couple sitting on the curb. The chap is laying on his side with his trousers pulled down, the girl has her finger in his asshole, and she's reaming away with a vengeance.

The cop says, "What the hell is going on here?"

The girl says, "This is my date. When I told him I wouldn't spend the night with him, he started pounding down the booze. Now, he's too drunk to drive me home, so I'm trying to sober him up by making him puke."

The cop says, "That's not gonna make him puke."

She says, "Yeah? Wait till I switch this finger to his mouth."

sindyloo · 09-28-2008, 12:20 PM

No words needed other than......WTF!????

kitty_joanne · 09-28-2008, 02:50 PM

A couple of medical students in a morgue room..

Teacher: "Lesson number one, for you to become a doctor, you must not get disgusted by anything."

So the teacher put his finger on the dead body ass and lick it..
All the students are shocked and their expressions show a disgusting grief.

Teacher: "Now it's your turn, go on!!"

However they have no other choice, so all the students did the same as the teacher did.

Teacher: "Lesson number two, pay attention!! If you realize i use my middle finger to stick up on the dead body ass and i lick my index finger."

09-12-2008, 07:31 PM	#161
Mugga123 Privileged Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Australia Posts: 983 Reputation: 22893	I was walking on the beach and saw this girl, no arms and no legs, she was crying. I asked her what was wrong and she told me she'd never been kissed. So I kissed her. Next day, same thing except she said she'd never been touched, so I fondled her and touched her. The next day, I saw her again and she's still crying, I said "What's wrong now?", she responded with "I've never been fucked". I picked her up threw her in the water and said "You're fucked now bitch". __________________ It's all fun and games till someone gets raped.

09-12-2008, 08:55 PM	#162
batffink Privileged Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: One Foot In The Grave Posts: 1,376 Reputation: 121541	Just a couple off the top of my head: The local Stationmaster was having a few beers with his mates and said "I had an incredible experience last night. I saw something on the tracks so I went to investigate and found it was a woman who had tied herself to the rails." "So what did you do" "I untied her and took her back to my place and made a strong cup of coffee then turned the lights down, put some soft music on, had a couple of drinks and took her to bed." "What happened then?" "I had the wildest night of sex I've ever had, it was totally mind blowing" "Was she good looking?" "I don't know, I couldn't find her head!" What's the difference between PMT and Mad Cows Disease? One is Mad Cows Disease and the other is an agricultural infection. & What's the similarity between a mobile phone and a clitoris? Both turn on with the touch of a finger and every cunt's got one! __________________ You have the right to remain tied to the bed. Anything you may try to say will be ignored.

09-12-2008, 11:11 PM	#163
Mugga123 Privileged Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Australia Posts: 983 Reputation: 22893	Why is it called PMS? Cause Mad Cow Disease was already taken __________________ It's all fun and games till someone gets raped.

09-16-2008, 02:53 AM	#167
Mugga123 Privileged Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Australia Posts: 983 Reputation: 22893	What do you call the fleshy thing around the Clitoris? The woman __________________ It's all fun and games till someone gets raped.

09-16-2008, 08:27 PM	#168
batffink Privileged Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: One Foot In The Grave Posts: 1,376 Reputation: 121541	Why do girls have legs? So they don't leave snail trails! __________________ You have the right to remain tied to the bed. Anything you may try to say will be ignored.

09-15-2008, 02:09 PM	#164
bayresident Member Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 36 Reputation: 63	Statistically, 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape

09-15-2008, 02:17 PM	#165
sindyloo Privileged Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Posts: 2,178 Reputation: 34844	Cute loved that one!! Speaking of surveys?? Did you know that 9 out of 10 male scientists that tried Camels...preferred women??

09-16-2008, 02:26 AM	#166
freak101 Junior Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Posts: 10 Reputation: 19	not sure if this has been said... wut do u tell a woman with two black eyes??? nothin...u already told her twice

09-16-2008, 10:41 PM	#169
bedslave Member Join Date: Jul 2008 Posts: 57 Reputation: 656	whats the difference between a gay man and a microwave ? You cant brown your meat in a microwave

09-17-2008, 11:53 PM	#170
Mugga123 Privileged Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Australia Posts: 983 Reputation: 22893	Whats the difference between having sex anally and a fridge, A fridge doesn't fart when you pull your meat out. __________________ It's all fun and games till someone gets raped.

09-17-2008, 11:54 PM	#171
Mugga123 Privileged Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Australia Posts: 983 Reputation: 22893	Whats the difference between a 16 year old girl and a washing machine? A washing machine doesn't follow you around for a week after you dump your load in it. __________________ It's all fun and games till someone gets raped.

09-22-2008, 02:41 AM	#173
ShyAngel Privileged Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Las Vegas Posts: 959 Reputation: 21985	Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigerette, and continued smoking. Lady 1 What's that? Lady 2 A condom. Lady 1 Where'd you get it? Lady 2 You can get them at any Chemist. The next day lady 1 hobbles into the local chemist and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a packet of condoms. The pharmacist looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, in her 80's), but politely asks what brand she perfers. Doesn't matter, she replies , as long as it fits a Camel. The pharmacist fainted. --------------------------------- Next one --------------------------------- A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured by inserting a suppository up his anal passage. The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him a second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours. So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds that he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. He calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home. Suddenly the man screams, "NOOO..!" "What's the matter?" asked the wife, "Did I hurt you?" "No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulder."

09-23-2008, 06:19 AM	#174
older and wiser Privileged Member Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: England Posts: 297 Reputation: 1024	Why did God give women a pussy? So men would talk to them

09-25-2008, 12:59 PM	#175
Trill Banned Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Tamworth, NSW Posts: 330 Reputation: 1215	(Note: I learned this joke in the fifth grade. What a happy childhood I had... :P) There was a fly flying twelve inches above the water. Below the fly was a catfish, and the catfish knew that if the fly dropped six inches, the catfish could jump up and get it. On the shore behind the catish was a bear, and the bear knew that if the fly dropped six inches, the catfish could jump up and get it and the bear could get the catfish. Behind the bear was a hunter, and the hunter knew that if the fly dropped six inches, the catfish could jump up and get it, the bear could get the catfish and the hunter could shoot the bear. Behind the hunter was a mouse, and the mouse knew that if the fly dropped six inches, the catfish could jump up and get it, the bear could get the catfish, the hunter could shoot the bear and the mouse would get the hunter's sandwiches. Behind the mouse was a cat, and the cat knew that if the fly dropped six inches, the catfish could jump up and get it, the bear could get the catfish, the hunter could shoot the bear, the mouse would get the hunter's sandwiches and the cat would get the mouse. Suddenly the fly dropped. The catfish snapped up the fly and the bear waded in. Bang! The hunter shot the bear and the mouse made it's move on the sandwiches. The cat jumped, missed the mouse, and landed in the water. What's the moral of the story? If a fly drops six inches, there will always be a wet pussy.

09-25-2008, 05:12 PM	#176
sindyloo Privileged Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Posts: 2,178 Reputation: 34844	Whats Taint?? Whats "Taint"?? Its that small area of flesh between the pussy and the asshole! "Taint" pussy and "Taint" Ass?? But one Slip of the Tongue and you`re in deep Shit!!

09-26-2008, 03:33 AM	#177
Fibonacci Privileged Member Join Date: Apr 2008 Posts: 773 Reputation: 36912	If your left leg would be Christmas and your right leg a New Year, then I would love to visit you between those holidays! __________________ If needed and not mentioned, pw is 112358 A players attract A players, B players attract C players

09-28-2008, 11:58 AM	#178
Trill Banned Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Tamworth, NSW Posts: 330 Reputation: 1215	A cop stops his police car when he sees a couple sitting on the curb. The chap is laying on his side with his trousers pulled down, the girl has her finger in his asshole, and she's reaming away with a vengeance. The cop says, "What the hell is going on here?" The girl says, "This is my date. When I told him I wouldn't spend the night with him, he started pounding down the booze. Now, he's too drunk to drive me home, so I'm trying to sober him up by making him puke." The cop says, "That's not gonna make him puke." She says, "Yeah? Wait till I switch this finger to his mouth."

09-28-2008, 12:20 PM	#179
sindyloo Privileged Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Posts: 2,178 Reputation: 34844	No words needed other than......WTF!???? Last edited by sindyloo; 11-04-2009 at 04:17 PM.

09-28-2008, 02:50 PM	#180
kitty_joanne Sleeping Siren Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Suburb Posts: 2,817 Reputation: 28630	A couple of medical students in a morgue room.. Teacher: "Lesson number one, for you to become a doctor, you must not get disgusted by anything." So the teacher put his finger on the dead body ass and lick it.. All the students are shocked and their expressions show a disgusting grief. Teacher: "Now it's your turn, go on!!" However they have no other choice, so all the students did the same as the teacher did. Teacher: "Lesson number two, pay attention!! If you realize i use my middle finger to stick up on the dead body ass and i lick my index finger."