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08-06-2006, 11:09 PM | #1 |
Immoral Irishman
Join Date: Nov 2005
Posts: 1,344
Reputation: 20982 |
Rape jokes
Wanted to gather all the jokes featuring rape I've seen on various forums into one post, and see if anyone has any to add. Here's 10, saving the worst til last...
1. "I was raped by a doctor. Which is, you know, so bittersweet for a Jewish girl." Sarah Silverman 2. A schoolgirl is playing in the street when a man asks her would she like to see something cool. The girl says "sure", so the man asks her to follow him. A bit later they're walking through the woods and the young girl says "mister, it's getting dark, I'm starting to get scared." The man replies, "how do you think I feel, I have to walk back by myself......" 3. A guy is walking past this constuction site late at night when he hears this muffled screaming. He finds an open gate and goes in only to find this REALLY hot chick tied spread-eagle to four posts that have been driven into the dirt. She's wearing this mini-dress that's been torn to shreds and her underwear has been ripped off revealing a pair of perfect breasts and an incredibly tight looking pussy. She's been gagged and blindfolded and she hears him coming and screams for help barely audible against the gag. He kneels down and pulls out the gag because it's the easiest thing to remove. Guy: My God! What happened to you? Girl: I just got my car from the shop and as I was driving it home it hit a HUGE pothole and the tire exploded. I tried calling for help, but this is the ONE DAY I forgot to charge my phone, so I headed out on foot. Every other day I take a pair of sneakers with me, but my dog chewed them up so all I had was these high heels and I didn't get far. I came to this construction site and the only men here were these bastards that hoot and make lewd comments every day when I drive past. I asked them for help, but they just laughed and dragged me in here. Then (sob-sob) they gang raped me over and over. Then they tied me up and left me like this. I can't see a thing and I've been so scared. Thank God you heard me. Guy: That's TERRIBLE. How many were there? Girl: 12 of them. Guy: 12, huh? (He puts the gag back in her mouth. She hears him unzip his pants and he climbs on her) Guy: Lady, this just isn't your lucky day. 4. What do you do after you have raped a deaf and dumb girl? Break her fingers, so she can't tell anybody. 5. A man breaks into a couples' house and ties the husband and wife up. He jumps onto the wife, kisses her ear and then makes a dash to the bathroom. The panicked husband tells the wife, "I saw the way he kissed you! Satisfy him or he'll kill us both! Just be strong, I love you." The wife replies, "He didn't kiss me, he whispered in my ear that he's gay and looking for the Vaseline. I told him it's in the bathroom...let's see who's fucking strong now." 6. An Imbecile and his beautiful, newlywed virgin wife drove through the Poconos for their honeymoon. A band of rednecks blocked the road, stopped the car. They said to the Imbecile, Imbecile, get your asssss out'a that there car, and bring yer beautiful, newlywed virgin wife's assss out wit' it! The Imbecile failed to comprehend the instructions... being an Imbecile, and all. So the rednecks dragged the newlywed couple out through the windows. The redneck leader said, Listen here, Imbecile, as he drew a circle on the road with a can of spray paint. We's gonna r-a-p-e and brutalize your beautiful, newlywed virgin wife. Yer gonna stand in this circle. If'n's you leaves this circle while we r-a-p-e and beat and brutalize your beautiful newlywed virgin wife, we's gonna kill you both. The rednecks proceed to r-a-p-e and beat and brutalize -- sodomize and terrorize -- the Imbecile's beautiful, newlywed virgin wife. They continue for hours. And hours. It's shortly before dawn when one of the rednecks looks over at the Imbecile, sees him laughing his assss off... obviously causing pain to his diaphragm, almost incapable of taking further breaths. The beautiful, newlywed virgin wife, long past the point of screaming in agony... silent... numb... The redneck is curious. Somethin' don't correlate, he reckons. He removes his tallywhacker from the beautiful, brutalized and beaten newlywed virgin wife's ear, stuffs it home, zips his pants, and approaches the Imbecile. Hey! Imbecile! he yells. What in tarnation's so funny about us beatin', r-a-p-i-n', and brutalizin' your beautiful, newlywed virgin wife like we's been doin' for hours now?!? The Imbecile, suddenly able to hold back his laughter for just a moment, says, Well, while you guys were doing that, I stepped out of the circle three times! 7. There were two nuns...One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM for short), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL for short). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent. SM:" Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants." SL:" It's logical. He wants to rape us." SM: "Oh my god sister, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?" SL: "The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster." SM: "Oh sister, It's not working." SL: "Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster too." SM: " Oh my, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute." SL: " Sister, the only logical thing we can do is split up. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both." So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. 15 minutes pass and then Sister Logical finally arrives, all out of breath! SM: "Sister Logical !! Oh Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!" SL: "Why, of course, the only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me." SM:"Yes, yes! and what happened then?" SL: "Why the only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could!!" SM: " And...And ? " SL: " The only logical thing happened. He reached me!! " SM: "Oh, dear! What did you do? " SL: "The only logical thing I could do. I lifted my dress up!!" SM: " Oh, Sister! And what did the man do?" SL: "The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants !!" SM: "Oh, no! What happened then?? " SL: " Isn't it logical, Sister? "A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down!!!!" 8. Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, party goers, and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert & stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A date rape drug on the market called "beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs." "Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking "beer" men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life’s savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship". It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude & punishment referred to as "marriage." Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female. 9. Officer McKenna is slowly driving through his patrol area late one night when he sees a woman stumble from an alley. Her hair is a mess, she's missing one shoe, her pantyhose are full of runners, her blouse is hanging open, and her skirt is dirty and rumpled. Pulling to the curb, he jumps out of his cruiser and asks, "Are you all right, miss?" With glazed eyes and tears running down her cheeks, she replies, "Oh God, no! I've just been graped!" "Graped?" McKenna says in confusion. "Don't you mean raped?" "NO!" the woman exclaims. "I mean GRAPED! There was a whole BUNCH of them!" 10. A teenage boy was in the back seat of the Chevy with his date, making out and petting furiousy. Finally he got just too carried away, pushed her skirt up, and fucked her fast and furiously. After he came, he looked down on her, full of remorse. "I'm sorry, honey. If I knew you were still a virgin, I would have been.....more gentle.l" She answered, "Heck, if I knew you were in such a hurry, I would have taken off my pantyhose!" Last edited by Rogue; 08-06-2006 at 11:11 PM. |
08-06-2006, 11:30 PM | #2 |
Backdoor Bandit
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: U.S.
Posts: 2,144
Reputation: 28425 |
I like 7, 8, and 9 the best!
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"The mind is a beautiful thing to fuck." |
08-07-2006, 03:08 AM | #3 |
Junior Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Waterford, Ireland
Posts: 1
Reputation: 10 |
haha i feel bad but i laughed most at 2...ah well only a joke
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08-07-2006, 06:30 AM | #4 |
Junior Member
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man these were cruel ))
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Crazy |
08-07-2006, 04:39 PM | #5 | |
Backdoor Bandit
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: U.S.
Posts: 2,144
Reputation: 28425 |
Quote:
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"The mind is a beautiful thing to fuck." |
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08-07-2006, 04:42 PM | #6 |
Junior Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 2
Reputation: 10 |
Three seemed the best rape joke, to me, but the one that amused me most in a 'funny ha-ha' sort of way was eight.
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08-07-2006, 06:16 PM | #7 |
Backdoor Bandit
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: U.S.
Posts: 2,144
Reputation: 28425 |
What do broccoli and anal sex have in common?
If you were forced to have it as a child, you won't like it as an adult.
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"The mind is a beautiful thing to fuck." |
08-07-2006, 06:20 PM | #8 |
Backdoor Bandit
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: U.S.
Posts: 2,144
Reputation: 28425 |
A man and his wife go to their weekend getaway in the mountains where the husband likes to fish and the wife likes to read
the husband came home early one day from fishing and went to bed the wife decided now would be her chance to go out on the boat and read so she did she didn't know the lake very well so she just layed anchor anywhere and began to read along came a officer and told her "what are you doing?" "reading" said the woman "this is a restricted fishing area" "but i'm not fishing" "that may be true but you have all of the equipment so i will have to take you in" "if you do that i will charge you with rape" the woman says "but i didn' touch you" "this may be true but you have all of the right equipment" Moral of the story is: never mess with a woman who knows how to read.
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"The mind is a beautiful thing to fuck." |
08-11-2006, 04:40 AM | #9 |
Amoralist Libertine
Join Date: Dec 2005
Posts: 391
Reputation: 1262 |
after abandoning poland to the russian army, a stranded german woman, wife to an SS officer known for brutality was approached by a dozen polish men, who proceeded to gangrape her mercilessly, as they proceeded, she kept screaming and weeping "nein, nein!" one of the fellows stopped a polish translator and asked them about it, the translator shrugged, and chuckled at the plight of the woman, and translated.
The polish men looked at each other in shame. and three left.
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Pain is inevitable....suffering is optional |
08-11-2006, 04:42 AM | #10 |
Amoralist Libertine
Join Date: Dec 2005
Posts: 391
Reputation: 1262 |
Two nuns were approached in an alley, trapped on each end by a determined rapist.
The men went to town. The younger nun, reaching to the good book for comfort yelled "forgive them father, they know not what they do" The older nun said "mine does"
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Pain is inevitable....suffering is optional |
08-11-2006, 04:46 AM | #11 |
Backdoor Bandit
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: U.S.
Posts: 2,144
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Lol...M'sade!
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"The mind is a beautiful thing to fuck." |
08-11-2006, 02:07 PM | #12 |
Immoral Irishman
Join Date: Nov 2005
Posts: 1,344
Reputation: 20982 |
Glenn Quagmire on Family Guy
1. Quagmire: I felt guilty once, but she woke up halfway through. 1. [Sees a cheerleader tied up in a bathroom stall] Quagmire: Dear diary: Jackpot! 2. Quagmire: Hey there sweetie, how old are you? Connie: 16. Quagmire: 18? You're first. Connie: Mom! Quagmire: I like where this is goin'! Giggidy, giggidy, gig-gi-dy! 3. Quagmire (running through mall and accidentally into the camera room): Where am I, am I dead? Security Guard: No, this is where we monitor all the dressing rooms in the mall so we can keep an eye out for shoplifters. (Woman on Monitor has heart attack) Quagmire: Oh my God! That one's having a heart attack! (Runs to womans dressing room.) Quagmire: (Rubs womans chest and breathes in her mouth. Woman becomes conscious.) Woman#2: That was amazing! Woman#3: You saved her life! Woman#4: Thank God you know CPR! Quagmire: What the hell is CPR? 4. Brooke: Quagmire, will you accept this rose? Quagmire: Really? After I drugged you and had sex with your unconscious body? Brooke: What? Quagmire: Yes. 5. Quagmire: Peter, I can remember a dozen times when you've saved our asses (Peter walks through a door holding a sword, like in Pulp Fiction, to his friends tied up and gagged) Peter Griffin: Yeah, too bad I got there after the sodomy. 6. Quagmire: Here's to the Drunken Clam, where they don't ask for proof of age and neither do I. 7. [Louis asks him to watch Chris and Meg for her] "Well, in accordance with Megan's Law, I'm required to inform you... eh, you know what, that's fine, I'll take the kids." |
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