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Old 10-09-2009, 07:03 PM   #1
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Smile Pervi's jokes (some may offend)

I figure everyone else is having a joke thread so I may as well join in...

Oh, and some may offend, so if they do please accept my heartfelt bugger off and get a the sense of humour upgrade
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Old 10-09-2009, 07:05 PM   #2
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I took my neice and nephew to a Muslin birthday party today.

The food and drinks were crap, but fuck me, the pass the parcel was quick
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Old 10-09-2009, 07:06 PM   #3
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MEN DO REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES?

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.

'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'

'I remember that too' she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...

'I would have been released today.'
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Old 10-09-2009, 07:07 PM   #4
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An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From
morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about
something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag; - it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head.

Killed her dead on the spot. At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.

This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about
it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked
him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."



"And what about the men?" the minister asked.



"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
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Old 10-09-2009, 07:15 PM   #5
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An old farmer is standing holding his donkey while talking to his friends in the market.

Suddenly he says "I will give £50 to any man that can make my donkey laugh." No one will take the bet at first, until this stranger walks up, nods to the crowd and whispers in the donkeys ears, at which point the donkey explodes in fits of laughter.

The farmer hands over the money saying "that was wonderful, tell you what I double it if you can make him cry" the strangers looks at him for a second, nodded his agreement, and led the donkey away to behind the shed.

After five or ten minutes, he led the donkey back. The donkey was crying his heart out, much to the amazement of the crowd.

As he handed over the £100 the farmer said "I have to ask, how did you do that"

"Well" says the stranger "to make him laugh I told him I had a bigger dick then him, and to make him cry, I took him behind the shed and proved it"
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Old 10-09-2009, 09:59 PM   #6
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Great Jokes Pete buddy. Keep them coming. I loved the Husband shedding tears and the mule joke. Thanks.
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Old 10-10-2009, 06:53 AM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pervipete View Post
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From
morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about
something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag; - it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head.

Killed her dead on the spot. At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.

This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about
it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked
him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."



"And what about the men?" the minister asked.



"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
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Old 10-10-2009, 11:07 AM   #8
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Thanks guys...
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Old 10-18-2009, 09:35 AM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pervipete View Post
I took my neice and nephew to a Muslin birthday party today.

The food and drinks were crap, but fuck me, the pass the parcel was quick
this is wayyy out of the line!
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Old 10-18-2009, 11:51 PM   #10
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I'M OFFENDED! So what are you going to do about it?






































I'm offended that there aren't enough of these jokes.
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Old 10-24-2009, 04:09 PM   #11
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Paddy and Michael go on the Rollercoaster.

Michael turns to Paddy and goes, "If we turn upside down, will we fall"

Paddy turns back and replies "will we fuck, we'll always be mates!"
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