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Old 10-03-2009, 12:08 PM   #21
deputyduffy
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Some good ones..loved that lawyer for 15 minutes one.
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Old 10-03-2009, 03:26 PM   #22
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Smile

Quote:
Originally Posted by Knottyguy View Post
Lol, that's a good one.

Thanks Buddy. Cheers
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Old 10-03-2009, 03:27 PM   #23
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Smile

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Originally Posted by deputyduffy View Post
Some good ones..loved that lawyer for 15 minutes one.

Thanks Pal.

Cheers.
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Old 10-03-2009, 03:39 PM   #24
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Great ones - nice thread - thx a lot my friend
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Old 10-03-2009, 03:52 PM   #25
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Smile

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Originally Posted by Lancelot View Post
Great ones - nice thread - thx a lot my friend

Thank You very much buddy.


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Old 10-03-2009, 04:43 PM   #26
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Talking

Robert and his wife Lucy were having hard financial times, so they decided that Lucy will become a hooker.

Lucy was not quite sure what to do, so Robert says, ‘Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.’

She’s out there five minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, ‘How much?’

She says, ‘A hundred dollars’.

He says, ‘Sh*t. All I've got is thirty’.

She says, ‘Hold on.’

She runs back to Robert and says, ‘What can he get for thirty dollars?’

Robert says, ‘A hand job’.

She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a hand job.

He says, ‘Okay’.

She gets in the car; he unzips his pants and out pops a simply HUGE dick. She stares at it for a minute, and then says, ‘I’ll be right back.’

She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, ‘Robert, Can you lend this guy seventy bucks?’
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Old 10-03-2009, 04:45 PM   #27
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Talking

Sardarji was having trouble satisfying his wife, so he went to his friend at work for advice.

"Listen," said the inept Sardarji, "I know you always satisfy your women. How do you do it?"

"Oh, that ain't no problem," said his friend. "What I do is stick it in 'em real slow, and then pull it out from 'em real fast. Keep doing that and they come every time."

Sardarji went home that night and tried his friend's technique out. He stuck it in real slow, and then extracted it real quickly, just like his friend said.

After a while he asked his wife, "Honey, do you notice anything different about the way I'm doing it?"

"Yeah," she said, "you're screwing just like your friend!"
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Old 10-03-2009, 04:47 PM   #28
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Talking

James was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife, Betty, to Mark’s store.

At the store Betty saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Mark to finish waiting on a customer.

When Mark was finished, Betty asked how much for the teapot?

Mark replied, "That's silver and it costs $ 250"

"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Betty exclaimed.

She then proceeded to describe the hinge that James had sent her to buy, and Mark went to the backroom to find a hinge.

From the backroom Mark yelled, "Betty, you wanna screw for that hinge?'

To which Betty replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."
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Old 10-03-2009, 04:50 PM   #29
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Talking

Paddy was the most intelligent man in Ireland. He was the president of the Irish branch of Mensa and he had won a million pounds on Who wants to be a Millionaire, and was Professor of astrophysics at the Paddy Institute of Technology.

One day, he was in the pub and his mates were telling him that he should appear on Mastermind, the quiz where the most intelligent men on the planet, show their superior brainpower. So he filled in the forms and sure enough was called up, and over to London he went to appear on the show.

The moment came when he was called up to the chair, to be questioned.

"Paddy, what is your specialist subject?"

"Irish History."

"Paddy your minute starts now. Who was the leader of the Irish Revolution?"

"Pass."

"In what year was the revolution?"

"Pass."

"How many men died during the Easter Revolution?"

"Pass."

"What was the name of the British informer who helped the rebels?"

"Pass."

All of a sudden his friend stood up in the audience and roared, "Good man Paddy, tell the fu**ing English nothing."
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Old 10-03-2009, 04:52 PM   #30
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Talking

A man walks into a bar, and orders a drink.

A few minutes later, he says to no one in particular, "All lawyers are assholes."

The fellow next to him lit into him. "How dare you just stereotypically categorize all lawyers as assholes? How have you missed that it's just not okay to cast aspersions on an entire group of people? You just try saying something like that about any other group of people and you'd get slugged. And you should! If you weren't such a jerk, I'd pour my drink all over you, but you're not worth the cost of my drink."

The fellow was properly abashed, and apologized. "Look, I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to offend you," he says, "By the way, what kind of lawyer are you?"

"Lawyer? I'm no lawyer, you idiot. I'm an asshole!"
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Old 10-04-2009, 03:10 PM   #31
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Talking

A Chinese man walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg.

As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.

Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get out of here."

The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor, it was the Japanese".

"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same, " replied Spielberg.

In return, the Chinese man gives Spielberg a slap and says, "You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship."

Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me." The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."
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Old 10-04-2009, 03:14 PM   #32
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Talking

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a Texan were captured by a fierce tribe in a distant jungle.

The chief comes to them and says,"The bad news is that now that we`ve caught you, we`re going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison."

The chief gives him some poison. The Frenchman cries, "Vive la France!", quaffs the poison, and dies

The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please."

The chief gives him a pistol. The Englishman points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.

The Texan says, "Gimme a fork."

The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The Texan takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over the stomach, the sides, the chest-- everywhere. There’s blood gushing out all over his body and it’s horrible.

The chief is appalled, and screams, "What are you doing?!"

The Texan looks at the chief and says, "So much for your canoe, you jerk."
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Old 10-04-2009, 03:15 PM   #33
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Talking

An Irish man walks into a bar and there`s a 7 foot tall Bar Tender there.

The Bar Tender punches the Irish Man on the face. The Irish man falls on the floor.

He finally gets up and says to the Bar Tender, "Listen Mate, was that a joke or were you serious?"

The bar tender replies, "I was serious"

"You better have been serious, cos I don`t like jokes like that".
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Old 10-04-2009, 03:16 PM   #34
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Talking

A man walking on the beach came across an odd-looking bottle. Not being one to ignore tradition, he rubbed it and, much to his surprise, a genie actually appeared.

"For releasing me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes," said the genie.

"But there`s a catch," the genie continued. "For each of your wishes, every lawyer in the world will receive double what you asked for."

First, the man wished for a Ferrari. POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of him. "Now, every lawyer in the world has been given two Ferraris," said the genie.

"What is your next wish?"

"I could really use a million dollars." replied the man, and POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet.

"Now, every lawyer in the world is two million dollars richer," the genie reminded the man, and then asked him for his third wish.

The man thought for a minute and said, "Well, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney."
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Old 10-04-2009, 03:18 PM   #35
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Talking

A guy phones a law office and says: "I want to speak to my lawyer."

The receptionist replies, "I'm sorry but he died last week."

The next day he phones again and asks the same question.

The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week."

The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer.

By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, "I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"

The guy says, "Because I just love hearing it."
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Old 10-05-2009, 10:15 AM   #36
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lol :rofl: very fine collection guys
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Old 10-05-2009, 03:12 PM   #37
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Talking

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the driver's side. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"Ahhh!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex!"
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Old 10-05-2009, 03:14 PM   #38
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Talking

A nun gets into a cab and the cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring, and he replies,
"I have a question to ask you, but I don’t want to offend you."

She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me."

She responds, "O.K, but you have to be single, and you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single, and I’m Catholic too!"

The nun says, "O.K., pull into the next alley."

He does, and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying his eyes out.

"My dear child, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess I’m married and I’m Jewish."

The nun says, "That’s OK, I am really not a Nun and my name is Kevin, and I’m on my way to a Gay Halloween Party."
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Old 10-05-2009, 03:15 PM   #39
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Talking

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time".

"You foul-mouthed swine" retorted the lady idignantly. "In this country we don t talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin abouta sexa? I`m a justa tellin my frienda how to spella Mississippi "
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Old 10-05-2009, 03:16 PM   #40
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Talking

A dying man gives each of his best friends -- a lawyer, doctor and clergyman -- an envelope containing $25,000 in cash to be placed in his coffin.

A week later the man dies and the friends each place an envelope in the coffin. Several months later, the clergyman confesses that he only put $10,000 in the envelope and sent the rest to a mission in South America.

The doctor confesses that his envelope had only $8,000 because he donated to a medical charity.

The lawyer is outraged, "I am the only one who kept my promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelope I placed in the coffin contained my own personal check for the entire $25,000."
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