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Old 06-23-2008, 06:01 PM   #1
ChiTownHoney
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Default My rape thoughts

Just wanted to share some thoughts on something I realized about myself. I dont have rape fantasies often, or even a fair amount of the time. I dont even remember the last one I had. And I can probably count on my fingers how many really good ones I have ever had. I do have them, so dont get me wrong. However, I love the concept of rape the thought/possibility of being raped. Do I really belong on this site?

I always thought I liked rape because the good girl in me is not allowed to have sex. That may be a part of it too, but to be honest, there is probably something more.

I was working late the other day and everyone went home. I was maybe in the office till about 9 o'clock and there was a knock on the door and it was a delivery driver, he had to come in and drop some stuff off. He wasnt terribly sexy or anything, and I was annoyed that he even bothered me. I also I felt it was odd to get a drop off so late in the evening, it just seemed off and didnt sit right with me. But I opened the door for him, and turned my back to him to walk away and he followed me in. I felt such a strong presence from him behind me and a wave of fear came over me. I just got afraid all of a sudden, realizing I was all alone with this guy. I hoped nothing would happen, but I almost wanted it to, it was almost conflicting...Yes I would like it, no I dont want it.....

The FEAR that feeling caused. The unknowing-intuitive-somethings not right-unsettling-uncomfortable feeling is the BIGGEST aphrodisiac. And no fantasy can cause that....

I consider myself fairly good looking and am a small girl. I thought about what if he thought to himself that this is an opportunity and nobody was even around to stop him. He of course didnt do anything....much to either my relief or dismay...I'm not sure. and I am wondering...maybe its something I want. Again, I was not attracted to this guy...but something in me wanted to be violated for real, and this really disturbs me.

But to me, that little fleeting moment of possibilities in a real life (imagined?) predicament is SOOO much more enticing than any little fantasy I could conjure up in my mind.

So I dont know what category that leaves me here in the muck of perversion. Any thoughts are appreciated.

Last edited by ChiTownHoney; 06-23-2008 at 06:53 PM.
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Old 06-23-2008, 06:08 PM   #2
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Interesting and perfectly natural thoughts, but just wondering what you were having delivered?
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Old 06-24-2008, 12:41 AM   #3
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I have no idea what it was. It could have been a 15 inch dildo for all I know, i didnt open the package.

Thank you for contributing!!

Last edited by ChiTownHoney; 06-24-2008 at 01:07 AM.
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Old 06-24-2008, 12:46 AM   #4
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i think that you might not be so much into rape in specific, but the adrenaline it causes, since your also into things like MMA fighting. rape is simply a sexual link to adrenaline, and therefore fits your attraction well
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Old 06-24-2008, 04:42 AM   #5
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There might be comprimises for you Chi.
Go to Kinky clubs, where the dance floor is full of people, dance a little slutty and maybe five or six guys will voluntarily press on you like a lemon. Nothing too bad will happen to you because you will be in a big club with security staff but at least you'll have a taste of what it feels like when it goes a little too far.
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Old 06-24-2008, 11:49 AM   #6
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Well in addition to the "sex without guilt" feelings a rape fantasy provide, you've also discovered that you have a natural desire to be "forced to submit" that is equally strong. The yearnings to submit to a powerful man have deep evolutionary roots that (for some women) can not be sanatized by 21st century political correctness.

The question I have though is - thinking back on it - do you now wish he had grabbed you? Have you touched yourself thinking about it? And knowing that you were one step closer to reality - did you climax faster? harder?
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Old 06-24-2008, 01:49 PM   #7
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ChiTownHoney it's not a very good idea to write that here, someone could misread this as a request to be raped for real.

And why are you deleting some of your old posts?

Last edited by italianguy; 06-24-2008 at 02:08 PM.
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Old 06-24-2008, 02:53 PM   #8
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Sometimes it's hard to explain in words what is going in our heads....really hard!
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Old 06-24-2008, 04:27 PM   #9
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Originally Posted by italianguy View Post
ChiTownHoney it's not a very good idea to write that here, someone could misread this as a request to be raped for real.
Well only someone who was both an utter moron and unable to comprehend basic English.
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Old 06-24-2008, 04:43 PM   #10
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Well only someone who was both an utter moron and unable to comprehend basic English.
eh eh yeah
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Old 06-24-2008, 09:30 PM   #11
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The question I have though is - thinking back on it - do you now wish he had grabbed you? Have you touched yourself thinking about it? And knowing that you were one step closer to reality - did you climax faster? harder?
No I havent done any of that. Like I said I am confused...I dont know if I would have wanted it or not. I get goosebumps thinking about it though and want it to happen again.

What you said about having a desire to submit makes perfect sense. maybe its just that...maybe I'm not such a freak.
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Old 06-24-2008, 09:31 PM   #12
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ChiTownHoney it's not a very good idea to write that here, someone could misread this as a request to be raped for real.

And why are you deleting some of your old posts?
Read it as you will.

I deleted a whole months of posts because nobody appreciates them or what I have to contribute to the board. I am slowly trying not to post, but there is just so much good shit here, I cant pass it up.

Last edited by ChiTownHoney; 06-24-2008 at 09:40 PM.
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Old 06-24-2008, 09:59 PM   #13
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double post

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Old 06-24-2008, 10:00 PM   #14
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Read it as you will.

I deleted a whole months of posts because nobody appreciates them or what I have to contribute to the board. I am slowly trying not to post, but there is just so much good shit here, I cant pass it up.
What?? You are the best member of this board, I can't believe that. I enjoy very much reading you.

Who are the envious bitches trying to kick you out? Do I have to teach them a respect lesson?
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Old 06-24-2008, 11:09 PM   #15
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Someone better explain me what's happening to chiTownHoney or I will punch random people of the board.
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Old 06-24-2008, 11:54 PM   #16
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Someone better explain me what's happening to chiTownHoney or I will punch random people of the board.

Why don't you try asking HER?
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Old 06-25-2008, 03:28 AM   #17
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Chi, i know that feeling very well.

Wanting it, and being afraid of it, and feeling ashamed for wanting it, and trying to figure out whether or not you really do want it, and sitting around mentally beating yourself up and wondering if there's something wrong with you; trying to rationalise your desires...

Ack.
i'm learning to be less neurotic and not stress over it so much.

i think it's natural.
Some people get a thrill out of danger. Some people want to be abused, for real. (Damn, now i have that Eurythmics song stuck in my head... )

A lot of people might not agree that my desires are natural... But fuck 'em. i understand how my own mind and body work, and they don't.
To me, these desires feel as natural and healthy as can be.

As for how to fulfill them?

That's another story.

i have no idea if there's any safe way of doing that.
i guess that's why i'm at this board...hoping to develop more of a taste for the pretend stuff.

(PS; just thinking out loud...isn't it strange how we're allowed to talk about kind of wanting to be raped for real, but if a guy posted a thread saying "i kind of want to rape a girl for real" he would be verbally slaughtered?
i can see why that rule is in place, of course.
There are always a few morons who don't know the difference between "want to" and "plan to" who will spoil freedom of speech for the rest of us).
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Old 06-25-2008, 11:48 AM   #18
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What?? You are the best member of this board, I can't believe that. I enjoy very much reading you.

Who are the envious bitches trying to kick you out? Do I have to teach them a respect lesson?
It's the first you said something of nice...what is happened????
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Old 06-25-2008, 04:27 PM   #19
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Chi, i know that feeling very well.

Wanting it, and being afraid of it, and feeling ashamed for wanting it, and trying to figure out whether or not you really do want it, and sitting around mentally beating yourself up and wondering if there's something wrong with you; trying to rationalise your desires...

Ack.
i'm learning to be less neurotic and not stress over it so much.

i think it's natural.
Some people get a thrill out of danger. Some people want to be abused, for real. (Damn, now i have that Eurythmics song stuck in my head... )

A lot of people might not agree that my desires are natural... But fuck 'em. i understand how my own mind and body work, and they don't.
To me, these desires feel as natural and healthy as can be.

As for how to fulfill them?

That's another story.

i have no idea if there's any safe way of doing that.
i guess that's why i'm at this board...hoping to develop more of a taste for the pretend stuff.

(PS; just thinking out loud...isn't it strange how we're allowed to talk about kind of wanting to be raped for real, but if a guy posted a thread saying "i kind of want to rape a girl for real" he would be verbally slaughtered?
i can see why that rule is in place, of course.
There are always a few morons who don't know the difference between "want to" and "plan to" who will spoil freedom of speech for the rest of us).

YES!! I'm so gald I'm not the only one! I made a post hinting at this and everyone called me crazy. They said you 'you dont want it you only want roleplay...'

I've never roleplayed before, and i doesnt interest me. If I roleplayed with someone I trust I know that under that cloak of bad ass and danger was really a sweet and lovable guy, and that would ruin any fear I would have. I am a little turned on by real bad and dangerous guys too.

Its not like something would happen like it at my work, and then I go home and tell my man, 'lets play' and toss the scenario at him and he would grab me and rape me in play....I would be thinking about the real life instead of the pretend we were doing.

It just so happens that something of that nature almost happened to me when I was about 19 or 20, I was at a "freinds" house, who was basically a loser and a player, and also a big time cocaine user. Well...he was doped up and wanted to have some fun...I said no and he didnt want to accept that and pushed himself against me against the wall and fondled me, and pretty much left me fighting him and crying hysterically. He finally stopped and I left in a huff.... I was SOOO turned on when I got out of there and couldnt stop thinking about it on my way home, and I get goosebumps even now when I think about it.

I dont know what was possibly going through my head when it was happening...did I fight him because I wanted him to get rough? Did I really want him to stop? Did I really not want it? Did I want it? Was I disappointed when he stopped? relieved? It felt so good and scary at the same time to be overpowered.

I also liked to be roughed up alot. I dont mean like being shanked or getting my head slammed in the car door..but I like being hit or slapped...that must seem weird too? When I was little, we were playing hunter or something like that and the little boys had to chase the little girls and capture them, and this boy caught me, took me to his hideout and held me there, he held my neck and squeezed almost to the point of choking me. I told my mom and she came to school and told on him. I didnt tell her I liked it though. I wonder what happened to that little boy? Probably crazy and roughs up his woman in the sack.

put me in any real life situation with a guy and the possibility of real danger arises and thats my aphrodisiac. Oh theres so much going through my head right now.

I agree that its fine for us to talk about it but guys cant say it, well thats because they're the danger , and if they dont make it happen it doesnt. After all, its something that happens to us, and if we want it, whats the problem?

Last edited by ChiTownHoney; 06-25-2008 at 04:50 PM.
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Old 06-26-2008, 03:45 AM   #20
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After all, its something that happens to us, and if we want it, whats the problem?
The problem is that we might enjoy it on one level, but also be just as traumatised as a "normal" rape victim.

Imagine what a mindfuck that would be.

i was raped for real at 16.

The guy ended up serving several months in the criminal part of a mental institution, and then a year in jail. (He got a reduced sentence because he "confessed", or rather, boasted to the cops about what he'd done.)

Because i was under 18, my parents forced me to press charges.
i made a statement, telling the detective every detail of fact, painstakingly making sure that i recounted every detail exactly as it had happened.

The only thing i didn't tell anyone was...that secret, sick little part of me...even as i had been fighting him off, crying as he choked me, begging him to stop when he let me breathe...
The sick little part of me that liked it. The part of me that felt emotionally fulfilled in a way that it never had before.

And i've carried that dirty little secret with me for seven years now.

Was i still traumatised?
Yes.

Should he still have gone to prison?
i don't know.
When he got out of prison, he (unbeknownst to either of us) made friends with the same group of people i was hanging out with. He raped my best friend (without realising that i knew her) and drove another of my friends to suicide. He developed a reputation for threatening people at knifepoint, often over completely trivial things like minor disagreements.
So yeah, he was definitely a real criminal.
And what happened to me was definitely real rape.

But i still carry that guilt around with me, and rather than diminishing my "need" to be hurt...it seems to increase it.
i feel guilty for liking abuse. The only way to temporarily ease that guilt is through punishment. The only punishment which successfully eases the guilt is abuse.
...Which makes me feel guilty.
Yay. Vicious cycles are fun.

But anyway...think twice before getting yourself into any dangerous situations. It does more harm than good in the long run.
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