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Old 12-06-2008, 12:52 AM   #1
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Default Something new

Due to a turn of recent events, I have decided to create this thread because I want other opinions. I posted on another board but it didnt get alot of responses, so I thought I would try here.

I just found out one of my friends who just "celebrated" her one year anniversary wants to seperate from her husband. They have a daughter together and have been together for several years before that. She says she just doesnt feel the same way. Like, she feels like she made a mistake in marrying him, and that he's not the one for her. She was pregnant when they got married so feeling pressure from her family caused everything to go so fast...now they are headed to a divorce and have been married barely a year.

Also, my other friend is divorced now because she fell out of love with her husband. She was 26 when they divorced. She just said "I felt like I wasnt in love anymore, I didnt feel excited".

I broke up with my boyfriend awhile ago..(even though I admit to still messing with him) because I wasnt excited anymore. I was just not in love. I wasnt sexually attracted to him anymore.

Is their something wrong with us???? are we looking for something that doesnt exist? Do we take a good man for granted because we get bored easily and always want something new and exciting??

Is there really such a thing as the One? The man that you will be happy to come home to and miss when he is not around and just be in love with for the rest of your life??

I am 27 years old and have never been in love. Every guy I want doesnt want me. Its always been that way. I am starting to think that either thats the way things work, or thats just the way things will work for me. I am just at that point where I dont want to bother. I use to think I was attractive, but I am not so sure anymore. There are women who are way more attractive who want the same things as I do...lucky for them I am no competition for them..which makes me hate women even more so than I do now. There are way more single women than their are single men, and who the hell would want me when the taller, skinnier and hotter perfect women gives them attention. Its hopeless for me and I just want to give up. I wish I were in love with my ex, he is a good man. Should I just keep him? Should I settle?

I get attention from men and get asked out alot, but there is never any attraction.. Its rare when I really like someone, and its those who dont want me. Is there something wrong with me?

Last edited by ChiTownHoney; 12-06-2008 at 01:48 AM.
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Old 12-06-2008, 02:07 AM   #2
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Honey,I'm sorry you are feeling this lately.We all have doubts about ourselves,the future,the past,but in reality we all make mistakes but can't change them.We all do some things perfect but then second guess them.If you weren't happy then you weren't happy.looking back can't change how you felt then.And...how you felt then is all that matters.You don't live your friends lives and they can never live yours so you can't base your life in comparison to theirs.Without judging you,your friends or even myself,who unfortunatly went through a really messy divorce years ago,let me say that YES love does exist and yes it will fade if life becomes common place just like that new car becomes old or the perfect job becomes the one that you don't really want to go to anymore.Love has to be stoked just like a fire that will eventually go out if it's not tended to well.We all tend to take the person we are with at the moment for granted (usually while they are taking us for granted as well.)There is a posibility to keep love alive but it's hard so usually it just dies.Our generation is extremely self absorbed and unfortunatly that takes it's toll on our relationships.As far as you Chi,You are very engaging.A personality that is an original.One who I always look forward to reading more from.After a while of getting to know someone even the most incredible surface beauty fades to who they really are.(Believe me,I work with a woman who,a few weeks ago when she started,I though was very sexy but now I just LOATH her selfinduldgence and look at me attitude.)I say this because I have never seen you BUT I HAVE seen you.Your posts are fun to read,always thought out and interesting.Always engaging of others so trust me when I say that surface beauty can't compete with that forever.It has also been my experience that most humans (with the exception of a few stuck up loosers)think they are much less perfect than they actually are...Please don't base loves or your own worth on the success or failures of others or even your self in the past because eventually you will find evenything you want.Just remember that when you do find it,fight for it every day even if the other person doesn't.Your enthusiasim may just wear off on him and actually achieve happily ever after.Don't ask me why I believe this and continually have to begin new relationships.I just do and you should too!Haven't you learned to not ask why by now...
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Last edited by whyaskwhy; 12-06-2008 at 02:16 AM.
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Old 12-06-2008, 05:54 AM   #3
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*hugs*

relationships are so hard. I dont believe you should settle for anything honey. dont you dare! i remember you used to come on here and lament how little interest in this kink he had and how frustrated you were. lose those rose coloured glasses

your better off alone, than with someone who you are not in love with, because the day will come when the right man may cross your path, and you risk hurting the man your with or missing out on the man who is right for you.

Better off concentrating in loving who you are, and filling your life with friends you can trust and fun times. you kick ass, dont worry about those other girls because some men like quirky girls like us. think about all the things you want to do, but god woman DO THEM NOW because before you know it, the man will come along, and you wont be able to do them anymore!!!!!!

its true what they say, when you stop looking, they turn up.

I spnt years looking, and had a one strike policy, but that was fine because I always found myself more even if it was case of either wanting men that didnt want me, or being wanted by men I didnt want. I used to cry myself to sleep occasionally. but then after giving up on "the hunt", and concentrating on me, and my friends and my life, JUST when i hit my happy strides, is when overkill came along. and by this time i wasnt so sure i wanted a man!!! talk about being dragged kicking and screaming down the isle a year later. now i look upon those few months when i was truly happy single as being the best time of self centered opportunity that ill never have again.

then when your with your man, you will have times when your attraction wanes and grows as you whether storms and stresses in life but ultimatelyyou end up growing old together, when all the players are gone and you have the one you can rely on. you need the right man for YOU for that, not second best.

Last edited by gaggirl; 12-06-2008 at 07:06 PM.
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Old 12-06-2008, 09:41 AM   #4
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I broke up with my boyfriend awhile ago..(even though I admit to still messing with him) because I wasnt excited anymore. I was just not in love. I wasnt sexually attracted to him anymore.
There has to be some attraction there, no matter how small, or else why would you go back to fool around with him. Unless it's just convenience. I think if your not in love and are not attracted to him then you need to ask yourself why you go back to him. Maybe you will find some answers there, or at least you may find a start to a path to the discovery of what it is you desire in a partner. You have some clear ideas anyway but maybe there is a missing piece of the puzzle you know.

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Is their something wrong with us???? are we looking for something that doesnt exist? Do we take a good man for granted because we get bored easily and always want something new and exciting??
I think it, whatever that is for whomever wants it, exsists you just need to be patient and you'll find it. There are to many happy couples that would die for each other at a moments notice out there for it not to exsist. I think as has been previously stated it goes in cycles sometimes. Like maybe you can't bear to be apart from someone and other you can't stand to be together. It's just the nature of things. I also agree with that you have to work at a relationship, if you don't feel that you want to then what is the point of being with that person. Mostly couples are happy and content I think. I don't know how to explain it better sorry.

Quote:
Is there really such a thing as the One? The man that you will be happy to come home to and miss when he is not around and just be in love with for the rest of your life??
I think you are at a juxapostion of what you want, you like badboys, but want a good man. Like excitment but want stability. You have loads of time, even though you feel like you don't, to find a man that works for you. There are loads of guys out there, and as previously stated, the moment you stop looking is when he'll pop up and sweep you off your feet.

Quote:
I am 27 years old and have never been in love. Every guy I want doesnt want me. Its always been that way. I am starting to think that either thats the way things work, or thats just the way things will work for me. I am just at that point where I dont want to bother. I use to think I was attractive, but I am not so sure anymore. There are women who are way more attractive who want the same things as I do...lucky for them I am no competition for them..which makes me hate women even more so than I do now. There are way more single women than their are single men, and who the hell would want me when the taller, skinnier and hotter perfect women gives them attention.
A very defeatist attitude if I do say so. the Chi I've come to know isn't like that. I'm sure you are very attractive, you know it as well. As for there being hotter people out there, well everybody thinks like that, to some extent it may be true. Allow me to explain, you just need to take a look at the dealbreakers or what race threads to see that everybody finds different things about different people attractive, so I bet you are the ultimate woman for a lot of guys. I come across this all the time, my buddies will go 'how hot is she, wow I'd love to fuck her' and I look and just can't see the appeal, then everyone just can't beleive I don't think she's hot. Fuck them other bitches, don't let them have any form of influence over you, especially if they never even came into your life; you seem to think that they simply exsist and they are better than you. Totally wrong.

Quote:
Its hopeless for me and I just want to give up. I wish I were in love with my ex, he is a good man. Should I just keep him? Should I settle?
Only you can decide that, it's a decision you have to make. Don't make it lightly either, or off the back of a failed chance at a relationship. If you did just say I'll setlle for my ex, then before you know it you could be miserable and in the very situation that your friends are.

Quote:
I get attention from men and get asked out alot, but there is never any attraction.. Its rare when I really like someone, and its those who dont want me. Is there something wrong with me?
So what's the thing you really like? Maybe these men have it in spades, but you don't find out because they never get that chance. If it's a quality that is other than physical, then if may not be obvious straight away as people can be quite reserved when trying date, for fear of giving the wrong impression.
And there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with you, how many guys here would give their left nut to have a chance of being with you, I read a post on here the other day that said your pm box was full and they were desperate to talk to you, sounds like your popular to me, I'd put pound to a penny that most of those messages were from guys to. In short your cool and have many of the best qualities that people should aspire to, if people can't see that then the problem is with them, fuck 'em, you don't need them. Your absolutely one of my favourite posters on here
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Old 12-06-2008, 10:39 AM   #5
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Originally Posted by gaggirl View Post



its true what they say, when you stop looking, they turn up.

I totally agree with gaggirl, when I stopped searching for the perfect guy, he suddenly appeared out of nowhere.
And when you find him, your life changes and it will never be the same again.

As for breaking up with somebody... I realize that sometimes ppl make really big mistakes but if you spend a few years living with someone, you get to know if he annoys you in someway, then you have to decide whether it's something you will be able to cope with in 40yrs. Most of the times ppl break up with someone because they get bored, hey want excitement in their lives, they want to have that feeling of "being in love" which is not being in love but just being atracted. It's not easy to live wih someone for the rest of your life, but if you overcome all the moments of doubt it's worth it.

All relationships end the same no matter with whom you're in it. It's up to you.
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Old 12-06-2008, 12:29 PM   #6
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Originally Posted by ChiTownHoney View Post
Due to a turn of recent events, I have decided to create this thread because I want other opinions. I posted on another board but it didnt get alot of responses, so I thought I would try here.

I just found out one of my friends who just "celebrated" her one year anniversary wants to seperate from her husband. They have a daughter together and have been together for several years before that. She says she just doesnt feel the same way. Like, she feels like she made a mistake in marrying him, and that he's not the one for her. She was pregnant when they got married so feeling pressure from her family caused everything to go so fast...now they are headed to a divorce and have been married barely a year.

Also, my other friend is divorced now because she fell out of love with her husband. She was 26 when they divorced. She just said "I felt like I wasnt in love anymore, I didnt feel excited".

I broke up with my boyfriend awhile ago..(even though I admit to still messing with him) because I wasnt excited anymore. I was just not in love. I wasnt sexually attracted to him anymore.

Is their something wrong with us???? are we looking for something that doesnt exist? Do we take a good man for granted because we get bored easily and always want something new and exciting??

Is there really such a thing as the One? The man that you will be happy to come home to and miss when he is not around and just be in love with for the rest of your life??

I am 27 years old and have never been in love. Every guy I want doesnt want me. Its always been that way. I am starting to think that either thats the way things work, or thats just the way things will work for me. I am just at that point where I dont want to bother. I use to think I was attractive, but I am not so sure anymore. There are women who are way more attractive who want the same things as I do...lucky for them I am no competition for them..which makes me hate women even more so than I do now. There are way more single women than their are single men, and who the hell would want me when the taller, skinnier and hotter perfect women gives them attention. Its hopeless for me and I just want to give up. I wish I were in love with my ex, he is a good man. Should I just keep him? Should I settle?

I get attention from men and get asked out alot, but there is never any attraction.. Its rare when I really like someone, and its those who dont want me. Is there something wrong with me?
I doubt anything is wrong with you, did you ever stop to think other guys may be missing out on something good too? Being attracted to someone is all very nice, but if there is no depth in there soul what does it matter.

My grandfather always said "When it comes to women my boy marry a good cook, the sex will wear off but you will always be hungry"

One more thing, could it be your lonely over the holidays? Having been in the military I know what its like to spend christmas in some dank hole with no family or loved ones around.

I dont know you other than what Ive seen here, but you seem like a very charming intelligent lady. If your also a looker thats a bonus. From what Ive read your one of the good people.

Keep your chin up

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Old 12-06-2008, 02:36 PM   #7
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First of all, there is nothing wrong with you. I have long held that "love" is a chemical reaction between two people that typically wears off in 1-3 years. If the relationship hasn't transformed into something other than attraction, the relationship dies.

Not feeling in love anymore may simply be the relationship changing. You should desire your partner, but it changes to something different than the frenetic passion that it was when it was new.

There will always be women younger, prettier than we feel we are, but that's a problem with our self esteem. If a man wants a little chippie, it's his fault not hers.

Let go of the hate and hard feelings you have. Work on loving yourself first and getting to be the person you want to be. I think you'll find that you are a pretty spectacular person without a partner!

It seems that the more you want something, the further it seems to be. When you don't need it so much, you'll find that men respond to a woman that doesn't need them. Men love a woman with confidence. You have it all. You are the whole package, you just don't see it right now. Work on seeing just how great you really are!

*hugs*
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Old 12-06-2008, 07:00 PM   #8
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Thanks for these great responses. I guess I should just follow my heart and do what I already know I should do.

Its fun to think that the perfect man will show up when you are not looking for him. But arent you always looking?
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Old 12-06-2008, 07:03 PM   #9
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this is where you just have to stop. believe me it used to piss me off when people said that to me, like what does that mean anyway! but seriously, when you stop looking and just concentrate on being the best and most full you you can possibly be, thats the moment they appear.
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Old 12-06-2008, 11:02 PM   #10
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What I mean is that you dont have to be looking..you know..not looking for dates or looking online for dates, but if you pass a goodlooking guy and think "ooooh, I wonder if he is single..." Isnt that still looking?
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Old 12-07-2008, 10:57 PM   #11
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That's just enjoying the view!

Looking is more than that. Looking is similar to trying to find that perfect suit in the store or that ideal car at a dealership You have to try them on, or go for a ride, but on your terms, not some sales jerk's commission day. (Yes, it's more complex than that, but good examples are in short supply)

From a male perspective, the day you stop looking at lovely ladies is they day they shovel dirt over your face or close the oven door on you forever.

We are sexual beings and most of us, outside those in comas or having other problems, will respond as such. So enjoy the view, and what just happens to pass by in this universe.

Like a great suit, or a good car, you usually find it when you just happen by and you aren't spending time looking while the salemen throw their pitches. Those are the days that just happen. Serendipity, it's a gas.

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Old 12-09-2008, 12:21 AM   #12
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Like a great suit, or a good car, you usually find it when you just happen by and you aren't spending time looking while the salemen throw their pitches. Those are the days that just happen. Serendipity, it's a gas.

The Squid
I couldnt agree with you more, but I think I'm too old to wait around till it happens. I dont even go looking, I just hang out and do what I do, so I dont know. I just recently broke up with my boyfriend (again) and I am thinking about getting back together with him because I miss him and my brother is convincing me that he is the right guy for me, so I dont know what to do. I might as well just keep him right? I mean, I'm too old to hope something comes along before I start menopause...speaking of which I havnt gotten a period this month.....
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Old 12-09-2008, 02:48 AM   #13
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Chi,

You threw the fish back for a reason. If it's rotten, it's rotten. Never, gawd, never go back to some guy because he's all you can find. It's the worst reason for a relationship.

You're fairly young Che, less than my years, and I for one have not given up hope of love or friendships. Spend a few years on walkabouts, seeing the world and enjoying it. You'll find that prize trophy, be it in some babbling brook of a coffee shop, or on the deep waters of the gray sea. He's out there, and you are a sweet prize yourself. He just might be trolling for love as much as you.

May you find what you seek.

The Squid

P.S. Feel free to wander down to your local druggest, you can determine just how worried about your monthly you should be for a few bucks. Knowing is better than worrying about it.
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Old 12-09-2008, 08:37 PM   #14
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Thanks for the advice, even though I flinched at the fairly young. I think I am going to regret letting him go. He's a good man, I just think that there is something wrong with me.

Oh, and hell no, those things are like 14 dollars! I could buy a sandwich with that and maybe even a mochiatto. I am better off waiting untill theres proof, untill then, I am not even thinking about it.
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Old 01-24-2009, 12:50 PM   #15
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Nails tear at raw flesh,cutting deep,
tossing and turning, quivering with delight as I weep.


Eyes wide open and mouth taped shut breathing barely,
hands tied up.


A loving heart completly ravished, a home for two,taught to share.

Blood runs thick on skin so pale
and just like my soul,body bare.


Tears are dry, mascara stale,
My twisted fairy tale.

Last edited by crimsondesire; 01-26-2009 at 08:13 AM.
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