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Old 03-18-2009, 04:19 PM   #241
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Originally Posted by MARADONA View Post
I know what you said...but not everyone here is a pathetic maniac...to me you can find some good friends on RB...
but it's up to you...i just think that you should not leave the site just because you saw something of bad...
Well said, you need to be just a little stronger to be here.
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Old 05-09-2009, 10:00 PM   #242
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I didn't actually know this thread was here and I don't know if reading it was a good idea or not. I had tried to make my own thread about my experiences, I also wrote a story which kind of hit on some key points of my experiences also but I have always tried to gloss over things with a smile and a "it happened, its part of life, hey its sexy, lets get off on it" attitude. This post is not meant to be erotic at all and it may disturb some who have gotten to know me a little over the last few months but I'd like to write something as its on my mind and I need to sleep. Some people may get off on it, fine, I'm writing it to get it out of my system, no other reason, I couldn't care what people think.

As some know, I had sex with my father. Many many times. It was abuse although it wasn't rape, I wasn't kicking and screaming or anything. I was pretty much told what to do and I did it. I was a very quiet girl who did what I was told, and I'm still a lot like that. It lasted 5 years before it stopped. Even before it started I was made to dress differently and do silly dances and things, and I never really knew what was going on.

Over a course of about 6 months I was groped, touched intimately and made to perform most common sex acts before I lost my virginity. As I said I tended to go along with it, because you do what your father tells you.

As a result, I'm a little messed up I guess. I live in a different country that doesn't speak my language, my dad is in prison, my mother and sister doesn't speak to me and I try not to discuss it too much, although the case did make newspapers once upon a time.

Noone can really understand why I would frequent forums like this either, but I was brought up on a lot of this stuff, wrong or right I know it and I feel comfortable on the wrong side of the tracks I guess. Sometimes what I did is the fondest memory and the biggest turn on. And other times it reduces me to tears and makes me throw up. I often will be reading a story or something on here, enjoying it and suddenly feel extremely dirty and disgusting and I just have to turn it off.

Main problems I have are getting really close to a guy. I have no problems with sex, but I have a lot of problems with one on one intimacy. I have visions of being told that the guy is not good for me, or I'm not meant to do that, and its hard. Sleeping is difficult and I get very lonely a lot of the time for being away from home.

You cope though. You put on a smile and you cope. I tended to throw a lot of effort into learning new things (academically), and I try to socialise as much as possible. I used to be very awkward because I was brought up really strictly. I tried to get rid of that, but I'm always going to be turning up on time and doing what I told I think. I need authority in my life just because its always been there.

Counselling is good, it helped me a lot more than anti-depressants did, although I'd advise just doing whatever the professionals tell you. Theres some good websites for incest or rape victims and I did call the samaritans once or twice even recently, they are good because they just listen and don't tell you you are wrong or anything.

Anyway, enough. Night.

Last edited by Lucy.; 05-09-2009 at 10:27 PM.
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Old 06-06-2009, 06:14 AM   #243
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I've been having some issues lately. I'm new, obviously. I'll just say that I was sexually abused and raped from a young age. I've gone through so much therapy, but it seems the stronger I get in life, the harder my falls are. I'm not going to retell my story...not right now...at least not that story, but our stories continue. We have compulsions, reactions. Like my anger. I mean, yes, I have rape fantasies. Ever since I can remember, I would imagine myself as a heroine in a romance novel. But I had to be a rape victim. Had to. That's when I knew something was wrong, and after many years, I found out that the brain develops differently for victims, so what is not normal becomes normal and perverted in the mind. I have problems with intimacy. Sometimes, I just crave it, but I have a hard time with it. To the point that I simply don't have relationships.

Anyway, I read rape stories, and I like to write them, and I know it is because it is safe. I can stop it whenever. I can make happen whatever I want, but it is also because rape is my biggest experience with sexual encounters, and it takes the responsibility off of my shoulders. I want the closeness of someone, but I don't want the responsiblity, because in the end, I am a "good" girl. A "goes to church, believes in Jesus as savior, fell on her butt...again" girl.

But what is getting to me is going through this site. I see some great things, supportive people...guys that are supportive in here (you guys are awesome!) and then I see horrible things. Terrible things said about women, one guy talking about how he fantasized about a certain type of rape and even did real rape once. One guy saying he things all women just want to be raped because of his recent experiences. ( I just want to say, "Well, they probably are actual victims and don't know how to act.") Uploaded movies and the comments on them, especially when I know that a lot of the women in those movies are in forced prostitution. It hurts me. It tears me up, and then I have to hit myself in the head and say, "What did you expect. There are going to be people in here who really are into the real thing. There are going to be people who don't know that a lot of those girls are forced or simply don't care." After all, even in fantasy, it is still about rape, and the moderators can't police everything.

I don't mean to be insulting of anyone who doesn't see it this way. After all, I am on here, but does anyone else feel this way? It seems like this could be a very healthy place, but with a topic like this, you just can't be safe.

Sorry if I spoke out of turn or said anything I shouldn't. I'm new, so you girls and guys don't know me, but I'm not some freak just trying to tick people off. I am a girl just trying to figure out the rest of her story, exploring a side that is hard to talk about, that even my friends don't know about. I never told my therapist. I never told anyone. Now I have.

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Old 06-06-2009, 04:40 PM   #244
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It is never just about the physical, though. It's psychological, as well. The things people say can be very hurtful and degrading. Some things I've seen have been very helpful, though, too.
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Old 06-06-2009, 04:56 PM   #245
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I think honey, that the things people say are worse then the physical, wounds tend to heal, physical scars can fade, be hidden by clothes and make up, but the psychological...

...that ambushes you, when and where you least expect it, a smell, a sound, a word and all the good, hard work at putting yourself together gets broken, and you have to start all over again, and again. And you have that thought at the back of your mind, feeling, knowing that it will happen again, wondering if next time the pain and memory will get too much to bare.

And being told that others survive, that you are being silly, that it was not your fault, well, a little voice says, liar, they don't know, you should have fought harder, should have resisted, should have done everything to prevent this, even if you kow that you couldn't, even if drugs, a weapon, or worse intimdation. Because each survivors story is different.

But remember, it is never the womans fault, no matter what happened, no matter what method was used against you, and I can say this to I'm blue in the face, because they are just words to you, coming from a complete stranger. The man is always at fault, if he can't contol himself, if he can't act like a human, then that his fault, not you, and that doesn't matter if all you had done is smile at him, or gave him a drunken kiss, no means no.

Believe me or not, its your perogative, you are stronger then you think, you have survived, you are worthy, you are special.

I'm going to stop this drunken rambling now.
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Old 06-06-2009, 04:59 PM   #246
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I have posted this before and I will repeat it again, anybody who has survived this has my admiration, for both surviving and the bravery of telling your story, I understand how hand that can be, the neandathroll attitude of the victim being as much to blame as the victimiser is still about, and this is bullshit, and youn have my support to get you through.

xx
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Old 06-07-2009, 09:42 PM   #247
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OF coarse there people on this site who are getting off on this site. Its hard to accept and if you can't then you really shouldn't be here. I know there are obviously real rapists on this website, most are probably guests who haven't even registered but I have no doubt there are many visiting. I think many of us know this and accept it. IF you can't deal with it then there are survivor websites where victims talk about having fantasies that is alot "safer".

Also I agree, that psychological/verbal abuse is much worse most of the time, most definetely for me it was.

eta: I'm a church goer to
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Old 06-08-2009, 01:46 AM   #248
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Yes, thank you both for your words. For me, a lot of what hurt were words that were instilled from the time I was three years old, at least. I was sexually abused until I was twelve years of age, and so my brain developed differently, and I had a warped view of who I was. And I was most certainly not at fault, even if I was taught to act sexy, because a seven year old on a bed trying to look sexy is not natural. (Yeah, I even have a picture.) And when you add in the drugged drinks...well, yes, the physical was damaging...very much so, but the words still echo all these years later. Even though I have forgiven him, forgiven them...words still hurt, especially when you can see the intention behind it based on how it is said, the person's profile...

I have been doing a lot of thinking and have concluded that I might be safer elsewhere. To me...and I'm sorry if I offend here...fantasy or not it is still a site that encourages violence against women. And while I know why I have the fantasies...the compulsions...I'm still at a loss, I guess, as to how fantasies are safe here, in a forum like this. It may not be physical, but it is psychological. Some fantasies I can completely understand. Dominating a woman, overpowering her...it is part of our history...man as overlord, conqueror, but ultimately protector (in the ideal sense). But when it becomes about hurting, not caring about her feelings, her safety, or at least the pretense of it, I still can not reconcile.

So I just want to thank those of you who had kind words and wish you all the best. Thank you. And for those who do not mind such words...God bless.
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Old 08-26-2009, 07:39 PM   #249
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I've always been fuzzy on details, and I feel like my brain tried to fill in the gaps as I got older and knew more about what sex was. What I know was it happened at my own house when I was 7 or 8. My babysitter was watching me, and her name was Denise. We watched tv for a while, and I remember her saying something about visitors and not to tell my parents and that she'd give me some sort of treat or something. Probably candy or something. Two boys that I recognized showed up and I remember her being angry that they both came. They were brothers, and I knew their names at the time, but I didn't know them really, I remember watching tv again on the big couch, and I remember Denise and one of the boys whispering to each other or something. Soon after, they went into the guest room. I didn't know what for, at the time, but it's obvious now. Then, the other went over and listened outside of the room. He looked over at me a few times, because I was looking over at him. I don't know if he was touching himself, because I didn't really know what that was at the time, and probably wouldn't have taken notice if he was doing it. Soon after, he walked back over to me and brought me to my room. He told me I had to get changed for bedtime and he started taking my clothes off. I resisted, but only because I thought it was too early to go to bed. He covered my mouth to keep me from screaming, but I didn't know the real reason for keeping me quiet. I still didn't really notice enough to think something was going horribly wrong, until he took his pants off. I had seen a penis before that, but not in a sexual way, and it certainly wasn't erect. When I saw him standing there with that thing pointing at me, as I was down on my butt, I didn't know what to think. I just knew whatever was happening, I wanted it to stop. He laid down on top of me and I remember it poking at me, before finally splitting me open. He took my shirt and covered my mouth to stop me from screaming. I cried into my shirt, biting down on it as I felt nothing but a horrible painful burning down there. I don't know how long it went on, but I feel like it seemed longer than it was. I stopped crying for a second, though I know I was still in pain as he backed off of me, before I looked down and saw blood. I cried again. I remember him trying to wipe it up with my pants and panties before running to get napkins and taking me to the bathroom. I remember him getting an inch from my face, holding my shoulders as I cried and shaking me, making me swear never to tell anyone what he did, or else. He made me hold some napkins against my pussy and he left the bathroom, but had the door open. I wanted to get up and shut the door, but I was afraid and crying still, and couldn't move. Denise's boyfriend(I guess) walked back in a bit later, and cleaned me up, got me new clothes and asked me what happened. I said I didn't know, and I asked where Denise was. He said she was tired and had to go to sleep. He seemed very nice. I remember him looking around the bathroom and put something in my panties before pulling them up. I don't know if he knew what happened or if he thought I got my period or something. I'll never know, I guess. I remember a few weird details like curtains being a certain color or a picture on the wall and the position of the vent, but some things I really wish I knew, keep escaping me. They came back a few more times, but he never did anything like that. I tried my best to cling to Denise to prevent it, and I remember the nice brother trying to get me to go away, for reasons I now know. I guess I always wanted to know if the other brother knew what happened to me or not. I never told anyone about it, really, except one person and it wasn't in detail.
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Old 08-26-2009, 11:09 PM   #250
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That is awful ... I know it sounds trite, but my sympathy is with you.

You say you've never told anyone about it ... I honestly think that talking to a counselor might help you deal with the pain.

God bless.
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Old 08-27-2009, 07:23 AM   #251
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I've dealt with the pain in my own ways, initially, and when I started learning what exactly happened to me. Nothing self-destructive, don't worry.
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Old 08-28-2009, 06:22 PM   #252
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statistics tell us many raped women (especially when raped at a younger age) develop "unregular" sexual preferences - including violent fantasies of different kinds; total submission; no emotional bonding, just the physical act; fantasies of prostitution (often connected to the former point); hypersexuality or nymphomania
This is funny--Because I have rape fantasies, I'm very submissive, I have no emotional bonding with sex, I'm addicted to masturbation which could be a form of nymphomania... and I'm an escort. All of this would suggest that maybe I have been raped in my life, and although I witness my dad beating my mom, I honestly don't remember being raped or hurt myself. Do you think I may have been, and completely blocked it out?
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Old 08-28-2009, 09:54 PM   #253
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I seem to fit most of that, but I think there's another reason behind it, for me.
I don't really have a prostitution fantasy, though. I also think regular sex is better when I have the emotional attachment beforehand, and it's absolutely perfect when there's a little bit of submission involved, but I'm perfectly capable of doing it without any emotion, totally caught in the physical act.
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Old 08-28-2009, 11:39 PM   #254
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The stories you girls tell here just break my heart. I cant believe what some of you have gone thru and the strength you show by opening up the way you do just leaves me in awe.

Even tho I enjoy rape fantasy I am thankful that your frank and honest descriptions of what you have been thru fill me with sadness and anger as opposed to arousal.

I have more to say but I cant seem to find the words.......
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Old 08-29-2009, 01:07 AM   #255
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So there was this girl I liked in highschool. And the was a gang of girls that didn't like me at all, but I thought they where silly and harmless.

As soon as I started to become friends with that girl they started trying to recruit her. She had a boyfriend and she wanted to join them and all they would do was keep us from dating. So I imagined there could be no harm in encouraging her to join them.

My friend joined this gang.

She soon came to distrust me, her spark kind of faded and we stopped being friends

A memorable event occured that year when a girl asked if I wouldn't mind raping a girl for her. After I assaulted her and explained the event to a nearby teacher, she was expelled.

It was much latter, an almost unrelated event when I realized what they where. They where "Lures." Females who obtain illegal sex for Males. And I'd had some very bad experience with "Lures" from my earlier childhood.

Two of there members came to me after school to gloat to me about stealing my friend away from me, to tell that despite the fact that one girl had been expelled the rape had still occured.

That's when I saw them really. A teenage girl who wears her make-up to look younger? Who has the callousness and reach to arrange a rape for revenge. Who belonged to a group who used "We only recruit the prettiest girls" as their recruiting slogan.

The resulting confrontation was intense. I threatened one with violence with my nails clenched into her back while I threatened the other with exposure of their misdeeds.

That's when I first heard.

"<Your friend!> She didn't want to at first, because she had a boyfriend already! We had to get her drunk and they had to hold her down!"

I genuinely thought she was lying but if a teacher hadn't stepped in right there I would have killed her.

I met my friend latter. She said she'd been thrown out of the gang and they had decided to leave me alone.

She told me she had only gone to one of their parties and hadn't gone to anymore since because she didn't enjoy it.

I kind of pounced on that and pulled out the whole story.

They had gotten her drunk, they had held her down, they had put tape over her mouth because she had been too noisy.

Afterward they had told her that they had been right there to make sure it didn't go to far, that she'd just been scared and after all she hadn't said no had she?

She chose to believe them rather then believe she had been raped.

I told her she had been raped. Then I belittled her saying she was supposed to be the smart one between us. Then I convinced her she had been raped. She kind of got her spark back right there when I convinced her of the truth.

She begged for my help in pulling a girl out of the gang that she had recruited, to erase her sin for her.

I was tempted to be her hero. I could see the future unfold. It wasn't unhappy.

I told her she was tainted and that we could never be together and her sin was something she would have to live with.

I turned away in disgust.

She caught me. She asked if the real reason I didn't want her around was because I wouldn't be able to resist using her.

I told her she was the smart one after all.

Then I told her how to get her friend out. "Just find her in the hall, hook into her and make a scene till they scatter. What are they going to do? Stop talking to you? Rape you again?"

She was successful and the story kind of ends there.

*Note* my friends sin wasn't being raped. Her sin was afterwards recruiting a new girl to join after she knew what the gang was all about.

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Old 09-07-2009, 01:57 AM   #256
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Originally Posted by DarkCompulsions View Post
Yes, thank you both for your words. For me, a lot of what hurt were words that were instilled from the time I was three years old, at least. I was sexually abused until I was twelve years of age, and so my brain developed differently, and I had a warped view of who I was. And I was most certainly not at fault, even if I was taught to act sexy, because a seven year old on a bed trying to look sexy is not natural. (Yeah, I even have a picture.) And when you add in the drugged drinks...well, yes, the physical was damaging...very much so, but the words still echo all these years later. Even though I have forgiven him, forgiven them...words still hurt, especially when you can see the intention behind it based on how it is said, the person's profile...

I have been doing a lot of thinking and have concluded that I might be safer elsewhere. To me...and I'm sorry if I offend here...fantasy or not it is still a site that encourages violence against women. And while I know why I have the fantasies...the compulsions...I'm still at a loss, I guess, as to how fantasies are safe here, in a forum like this. It may not be physical, but it is psychological. Some fantasies I can completely understand. Dominating a woman, overpowering her...it is part of our history...man as overlord, conqueror, but ultimately protector (in the ideal sense). But when it becomes about hurting, not caring about her feelings, her safety, or at least the pretense of it, I still can not reconcile.

So I just want to thank those of you who had kind words and wish you all the best. Thank you. And for those who do not mind such words...God bless.
I hope you havent gone away and will read this.
I have been in the real life BDSM community for almost thirty years now and can tell you that many of the subbie girls in the scene have a story of abuse early in life.
A wise and mature D/s relationship seems to be a balm for the torments that come from early abuse.
Abused girls want safety and control which a good Dominant will provide. I have discussed this issue with several subbies, including the one I choose to marry. Safe, well explained boundries, firm rules of behavior and a real lack of choices makes a wounded girl feel safe.
I emphasize this state of choicelessness because it is so important to a real subbie.
To most peeps "choice" is a great thing, doing what ever you want, whenever. But to a girl who is sub inside that choice is horrible and feels more like chaos in the making.
A dom takes that choice away and replaces it with a safe, limited life where a subbie can feel safe, loved and nurtured.
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Old 09-24-2009, 03:31 PM   #257
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Hats off to all the brave gals here.
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Old 11-15-2009, 01:28 PM   #258
trelane
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Originally Posted by littlemissRotter View Post
I don’t really trust anyone but you would never know if you met me. I have a big smile on my face and a ridiculous optimistic attitude but once shit like this has happened, you can see everyone’s true colours.

I really must add one very important aspect. Athough i have lost trust, there is one very special person in my life that see's something in me and that i was so shocked to see that i had managed to hurt him as he believed in me so much. It really did touch me and scare me. I still don't know how to react, as im shocked that someone see's something good in me as i can't see anything that great in myself. Thank you Mr Rotter.
Sorry,if i have depressed anyone. I just wanted to share my little bit.
Sorry, LittleMiss, that I've only joined recently.

I'm Mr. Rotter. Not yours, but I was the one person who, 30 years ago, loved and treasured a young woman who was molested as a child. I knew parts of the story, although we were almost married I did not know all of it. And I certainly did not know how it affected her, I was much too immature to understand. Your description of yourself could easily have been hers.

Through social networking, we've reconnected after decades, and talked through a lot of our lives together (almost six years), understanding what happened to her and how it affected us. She's married, has children, has been through therapy, and has come through the other side. I'm also married, and I'm very happy to say we are good friends now. I still love her dearly.

I want you to know your Mr. Rotter loves you. If you can, let him know how you feel, including the stuff about trust you may not be totally aware of. He will understand, he will stick around.

Good luck to you both.
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Old 12-25-2009, 03:07 PM   #259
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It happened to me 11 and a half years ago,it's something i guess will live with me forever,i live in a very rural area and if it can happen here it can happen anywhere.
I was just walking on my road,heading home when he grabbed me,pretty much in the middle of nowhere,he just pulled up next to me and pointed a gun at me.
He was only a few feet from me so there really wasn't anything i could do,he made me get in ,and it was obvious what he wanted.
Even though it was so long ago ,sometimes it all comes back too me in a rush,i try and put it out of my mind ,but often times it is very hard,and i still have nightmares ,and wake up in a panic.
I never told anyone in my family what happened,out of fear and shame,even the man i live with doesn't know about it.
My best wishes for all the ladies here.
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Old 01-01-2010, 09:57 AM   #260
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kate2003 View Post
It happened to me 11 and a half years ago,it's something i guess will live with me forever,i live in a very rural area and if it can happen here it can happen anywhere.
I was just walking on my road,heading home when he grabbed me,pretty much in the middle of nowhere,he just pulled up next to me and pointed a gun at me.
He was only a few feet from me so there really wasn't anything i could do,he made me get in ,and it was obvious what he wanted.
Even though it was so long ago ,sometimes it all comes back too me in a rush,i try and put it out of my mind ,but often times it is very hard,and i still have nightmares ,and wake up in a panic.
I never told anyone in my family what happened,out of fear and shame,even the man i live with doesn't know about it.
My best wishes for all the ladies here.
Youre a brave lady Kate, as are the other ladies on thios thread. I have nothing but admiration for you all. I hope 2010 is a fantastic year for you all
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