Unwilling ... attacker?? - Rape Board

LilMissNoPleaseNo · 12-10-2007, 08:46 PM

*sigh*

I need a little advice here. I've been with my boyfriend for many months, he's great and I love him blah blah blah ... he doesn't have a big libido, but when we do get down to business it's pretty good stuff.

The problem is this: I finally told him I like it rough, as in a little hair pulling, ass slapping, etc. (Of course I like it a LOT LOT LOT rougher than that but I figure I should ease him in slowly). He was appalled. He said those are the kinds of things you do with a one night stand or a hooker, not the woman you love. He informed me he respects me too much to even roleplay anything like that and doesn't want to talk about it any more.

To me sex is not worth ending this relationship over, but I admit the thought of never having that sort of interaction again EVER is a daunting one. Anyone ever had this problem? Advice? Solutions? Unkind words I crave so badly?

FinalKey · 12-10-2007, 09:53 PM

Try to talk to him again then explain that's only your mild side lol...or just dump him and find someone who will be on par with you in the bedroom.

dadysgirl87 · 12-10-2007, 11:29 PM

Wow, I'm sorry he reacted that way. I wouldn't break up with him yet, but honestly if he can't satisfy ur desires it will be inevitable or you'll have someone else doing it on the side.

I say talk to him again and let him know in a relationship u have to negotiate anddd if he can't at least try it you'll be unhappy in the bedroom...good luck hun!

Ntense · 12-11-2007, 12:17 AM

It's like breaking a horse. You have to be firm and steady with the pressure. He'll cave in, most likely. Just make sure you separate HOOKER from YOU with enough force that he knows you like rough play, and there's nothing wrong with it. There's something wrong if he thinks you're *supposed* to rough hookers up, though.

There's a pretty good book titled 'When Someone You Love Is Kinky' that'll help thaw the ice. It's written more for married folks, but applies equally to any established relationship where one of 'em is vanilla and the other ain't. It's not a HOW-TO book, it goes into more what and why we enjoy it, and casts it in a *whole* different light than some of the porn he's obviously seen. There's a copy of it on half.com for $7 right now (average price is $10 there) and it's well worth it if you can get him to *read* it with an open mind.

And tell him he needs to watch a better grade of porn. I'd recommend any of the kink.com stuff, any day (Sex & Submission, etc.)

Zoidberg · 12-11-2007, 05:56 AM

As far as i understand he didn't say he finds rough sex disgusting in general. That you should try to find out. If that is the case, you'll have to dump him.
He mentions it's a matter of respect. Before you dump him, you could try to work on that aspect. Maybe he thinks your 'light' wild side is your upper limit and you're just testing his grade of 'pervertism'.

Treat other people how you want to be treated

Blindfold him, tie him to the bed and fuck his brain out. Either he likes it and lost at least some respect or ... dump him. Might be that he's so scared he will run out off the house after you release him.

DominusNox · 12-11-2007, 06:21 AM

*lol* Like breaking in a horse!? Moment, shouldn't she be this horse?

@LilMissNoPleaseNo:
Actually Ntense is right. Talk more about it. Come out with some of your fantasies and blush when you tell him your inner desires. I guess its a moral thing for him. To make him rape you, you have to make him feel very "male" (wild, possessive, strong etc.). To achive this you have to be more female in his presence. Works wonder.

12-11-2007, 06:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LilMissNoPleaseNo

*sigh*

The problem is this: I finally told him I like it rough, as in a little hair pulling, ass slapping, etc. (Of course I like it a LOT LOT LOT rougher than that but I figure I should ease him in slowly). He was appalled. He said those are the kinds of things you do with a one night stand or a hooker, not the woman you love. He informed me he respects me too much to even roleplay anything like that and doesn't want to talk about it any more.

Your issue seems to lie here with the above in bold/underline.

His understanding of your sexually and other womens is not good and old fashioned, he thinks that as long as you orgasm or he goes down on you, or he buys you sexy underwear etc etc etc, all the usual stereotypes, then women are satisfied and he is performing his duty as a man.

He cannot understand that there some women like yourself that take interest in other sexual kinks and its only because in the last 30 odd years women have started to open up and demand more of there partners.

Like most men you are going to have to be upfront, you should have corrected him then and there when he mentioned the things you like are for whores etc by saying that things like that and being controlled turn you on. If he does not know then he cannot be expected to respond in a more positive way.

I also sense he was uncomfortable with talking about sex "said those are the kinds of things you do with a one night stand or a hooker, not the woman you love." saying that implies all women are into this??? "Man, if slapped, hair pulled a one night stand or a hooker she would be running out of the room", how many one night stands has he done this too really, that was a lame excuse on his part really.

You will have to keep working at him which may mean hurting his pride by saying "he is not satisfying you completely but at the same time you have to tell him its not his fault as you have not told him what gets you going to now and he could not have expected to know you like it a bit rough and like to be dominated now and then" that way hopefully he will understand that generally he is doing ok in the bedroom but you want a bit more. Also use it as a opportunity to ask what he likes/wants, he may have a hidden fetish that you do not know about either.

"To me sex is not worth ending this relationship over, but I admit the thought of never having that sort of interaction again EVER is a daunting one. Anyone ever had this problem? "

No its not however it will be a catalysts to a break down of one along side money, kids, etc etc

Most people have problems, my wife responds well to light bondage, being dominated, light asphyxiation and playing the submissive role, she generally likes to transfer all control to me, which was great to start with however doing this for years has become a bit routine for me, i am always initiating sex and taking control so she has forgotten how too, every now and then i would like her to initiate our role play and take control and i will act the submissive, she has the same problem that she although she is comfortable doing it, she does not like talking about it.

The key to solving this is communication, if he will not respond to it then you will be facing a life of normal sex or having to find a new partner but then you will have to be more selective or open from the start next time to make sure the man is suitable for your expectations before you get too deep into a relationship that will end up the same way.

Sternenlied · 12-11-2007, 07:59 AM

Yes, I had a boyfriend who didnt like it at all, either.
Though issue in the end.
I suggest you try to find out a few things about him before you move any further.

a) Does he really, actually, after all, ... NOT like it or did he just respond the way he probably imagine you wanted him to.
It's a sad fact some women play games with their men, use subtleties, trick question and stuff to "examine" their guys.
So maybe he just gave you the answer he thought you wanted to hear.

b) If a applies and he really doesn't like it talk to him about his issues with it. Find out why he doesnt like it. In my opinion the answer he gave is secondary at best and sounds like a quick excuse to me.
Since he seemed to be quite upset about the proposal I guess he might have sincere reasons. Maybe bad experiences with a woman like yourself. For example I knew a guy who really got into trouble because he and his girlfriend used to play it rough as well and after a few nights in the ring her colleagues called the police because they noticed she came to work with obviously abuse related bruises. Of course nothing happened to him after all but it got him into a lot of trouble at first.
Might be something else, might be nothing like that at all but I think you should try to find out what his issues are and maybe you can work them out together.

c) Investigate the whole "hooker" stand further. Try finding out why he even made that comparison. What makes him accept this in a one-night-stand or when being with a prostitute but the not woman he loves. Clan Hunter might be right but it stills has a strange ring to me.

In the end - should he stay adamant about not being into it at all - you have to decide what is more important to you. Him and the relationship (including Clan's warning it might never happen then) or this specific sexual preference.
I can't give any advice there since this really is up to everyone for themself to decide. You should bear in mind however the next man might not like it as well. So may only suggestion is try to make it happen with him if everything else fits.

italianguy · 12-11-2007, 12:04 PM

Miss you can have a date with someone on the board and if your boyfriend asks questions you can say that you were raped so it's not betray.

Joanna · 12-11-2007, 03:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LilMissNoPleaseNo

*sigh*

I need a little advice here. I've been with my boyfriend for many months, he's great and I love him blah blah blah ... he doesn't have a big libido, but when we do get down to business it's pretty good stuff.

The problem is this: I finally told him I like it rough, as in a little hair pulling, ass slapping, etc. (Of course I like it a LOT LOT LOT rougher than that but I figure I should ease him in slowly). He was appalled. He said those are the kinds of things you do with a one night stand or a hooker, not the woman you love. He informed me he respects me too much to even roleplay anything like that and doesn't want to talk about it any more.

To me sex is not worth ending this relationship over, but I admit the thought of never having that sort of interaction again EVER is a daunting one. Anyone ever had this problem? Advice? Solutions? Unkind words I crave so badly?

its not unusual a lot of people assioate rough sex with disrespect.
it sounds like its not the idea of rough sex itself that puts him off since he seems to be fine with it when it comes to a one night stand its that he can't equate that form of sex with love and respect.

Your have to explain that such roleplays take a lot of trust so in a strange way they are a big form of respect.
your just have to slowly convince him that such roleplaying is not a form of disrespect.
But your also going to have to face the fact that he may never adjust the way you want him to and then your be faced with deciding wether being with him or a fully satisfying sex life is more important to you

italianguy · 12-11-2007, 04:10 PM

Why do you need to choose between him and a satisfying sex life when you can have both?

MADDOGMCMANAMAN · 12-11-2007, 05:34 PM

exactly italian guy is right!

GOATBOY · 12-11-2007, 05:47 PM

I'm amazed there are so few guys that are into it. Some ladies have told me they wish there was more.

12-10-2007, 08:46 PM	#1
LilMissNoPleaseNo Member Join Date: May 2007 Location: All alone, with no one around to hear my screams for help Posts: 35 Reputation: 362	Unwilling ... attacker?? sigh I need a little advice here. I've been with my boyfriend for many months, he's great and I love him blah blah blah ... he doesn't have a big libido, but when we do get down to business it's pretty good stuff. The problem is this: I finally told him I like it rough, as in a little hair pulling, ass slapping, etc. (Of course I like it a LOT LOT LOT rougher than that but I figure I should ease him in slowly). He was appalled. He said those are the kinds of things you do with a one night stand or a hooker, not the woman you love. He informed me he respects me too much to even roleplay anything like that and doesn't want to talk about it any more. To me sex is not worth ending this relationship over, but I admit the thought of never having that sort of interaction again EVER is a daunting one. Anyone ever had this problem? Advice? Solutions? Unkind words I crave so badly? __________________ Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

12-10-2007, 11:29 PM	#3
dadysgirl87 Junior Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 6 Reputation: 94	Wow, I'm sorry he reacted that way. I wouldn't break up with him yet, but honestly if he can't satisfy ur desires it will be inevitable or you'll have someone else doing it on the side. I say talk to him again and let him know in a relationship u have to negotiate anddd if he can't at least try it you'll be unhappy in the bedroom...good luck hun! __________________ Please...

12-11-2007, 12:17 AM	#4
Ntense Privileged Member Join Date: May 2007 Location: Texass Posts: 688 Reputation: 541	It's like breaking a horse. You have to be firm and steady with the pressure. He'll cave in, most likely. Just make sure you separate HOOKER from YOU with enough force that he knows you like rough play, and there's nothing wrong with it. There's something wrong if he thinks you're supposed to rough hookers up, though. There's a pretty good book titled 'When Someone You Love Is Kinky' that'll help thaw the ice. It's written more for married folks, but applies equally to any established relationship where one of 'em is vanilla and the other ain't. It's not a HOW-TO book, it goes into more what and why we enjoy it, and casts it in a whole different light than some of the porn he's obviously seen. There's a copy of it on half.com for $7 right now (average price is $10 there) and it's well worth it if you can get him to read it with an open mind. And tell him he needs to watch a better grade of porn. I'd recommend any of the kink.com stuff, any day (Sex & Submission, etc.) __________________ Character is what you are in the dark... John Whorfin

12-11-2007, 06:21 AM	#6
DominusNox Member Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Germany Posts: 31 Reputation: 10	lol Like breaking in a horse!? Moment, shouldn't she be this horse? @LilMissNoPleaseNo: Actually Ntense is right. Talk more about it. Come out with some of your fantasies and blush when you tell him your inner desires. I guess its a moral thing for him. To make him rape you, you have to make him feel very "male" (wild, possessive, strong etc.). To achive this you have to be more female in his presence. Works wonder. __________________ They are different men. They are not earthlings. They are Goreans. They are strong, they are hard, and they will conquer you. For a man of earth, you might never be a woman. For a man of Gor, I assure you, my dear, sooner or later you will be.

12-11-2007, 07:59 AM	#8
Sternenlied Unknown Entity Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Niflheim Posts: 2,427 Reputation: 77819	Yes, I had a boyfriend who didnt like it at all, either. Though issue in the end. I suggest you try to find out a few things about him before you move any further. a) Does he really, actually, after all, ... NOT like it or did he just respond the way he probably imagine you wanted him to. It's a sad fact some women play games with their men, use subtleties, trick question and stuff to "examine" their guys. So maybe he just gave you the answer he thought you wanted to hear. b) If a applies and he really doesn't like it talk to him about his issues with it. Find out why he doesnt like it. In my opinion the answer he gave is secondary at best and sounds like a quick excuse to me. Since he seemed to be quite upset about the proposal I guess he might have sincere reasons. Maybe bad experiences with a woman like yourself. For example I knew a guy who really got into trouble because he and his girlfriend used to play it rough as well and after a few nights in the ring her colleagues called the police because they noticed she came to work with obviously abuse related bruises. Of course nothing happened to him after all but it got him into a lot of trouble at first. Might be something else, might be nothing like that at all but I think you should try to find out what his issues are and maybe you can work them out together. c) Investigate the whole "hooker" stand further. Try finding out why he even made that comparison. What makes him accept this in a one-night-stand or when being with a prostitute but the not woman he loves. Clan Hunter might be right but it stills has a strange ring to me. In the end - should he stay adamant about not being into it at all - you have to decide what is more important to you. Him and the relationship (including Clan's warning it might never happen then) or this specific sexual preference. I can't give any advice there since this really is up to everyone for themself to decide. You should bear in mind however the next man might not like it as well. So may only suggestion is try to make it happen with him if everything else fits. __________________ The Life and Death of Sam Crow - How the Sons of Anarchy lost their way

12-10-2007, 09:53 PM	#2
FinalKey Key Master Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 677 Reputation: 4792	Try to talk to him again then explain that's only your mild side lol...or just dump him and find someone who will be on par with you in the bedroom.

12-11-2007, 05:56 AM	#5
Zoidberg Member Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Blackmail city Posts: 56 Reputation: 12	As far as i understand he didn't say he finds rough sex disgusting in general. That you should try to find out. If that is the case, you'll have to dump him. He mentions it's a matter of respect. Before you dump him, you could try to work on that aspect. Maybe he thinks your 'light' wild side is your upper limit and you're just testing his grade of 'pervertism'. Treat other people how you want to be treated Blindfold him, tie him to the bed and fuck his brain out. Either he likes it and lost at least some respect or ... dump him. Might be that he's so scared he will run out off the house after you release him.

12-11-2007, 12:04 PM	#9
italianguy Banned Join Date: Oct 2007 Posts: 126 Reputation: -972	Miss you can have a date with someone on the board and if your boyfriend asks questions you can say that you were raped so it's not betray.

12-11-2007, 04:10 PM	#11
italianguy Banned Join Date: Oct 2007 Posts: 126 Reputation: -972	Why do you need to choose between him and a satisfying sex life when you can have both?

12-11-2007, 05:34 PM	#12
MADDOGMCMANAMAN PUSSYCRUSHER Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: YOUR MOMMAS HOUSE Posts: 2,161 Reputation: 9875	exactly italian guy is right! __________________ The Original PUSSYCRUSHER !!

12-11-2007, 05:47 PM	#13
GOATBOY Privileged Member Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: london uk Posts: 627 Reputation: 4793	I'm amazed there are so few guys that are into it. Some ladies have told me they wish there was more. __________________ HAPPINESS IS A DRY PUSSY