Tell me a joke.. - Page 2 - Rape Board

fival · 03-13-2009, 02:57 AM

what do you call a black pilot......a pilot you fucking racist

ShyAngel · 03-13-2009, 03:27 AM

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is
staying home because she is not feeling well.

'What's the matter?' he asks.

'I have a case of anal glaucoma,' she says in a weak voice.

'What the hell is anal glaucoma?'

'I can't see my ass coming into work today.'

fival · 03-13-2009, 03:35 AM

a man comes home from work and his wife says" honey your boss called and said your fired" the man goes " well fuck him then" the wife says "i did you start back on monday"

mondaymonday · 03-13-2009, 04:21 AM

two guys walk into a bar

the third one ducks

pervipete · 03-13-2009, 01:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by FuckingRotter

No, a climate change activist.

Is that from the Jeremy Clarkson joke book?

FuckingRotter · 03-13-2009, 01:38 PM

Can't remember where I heard it but it may have been on Top Gear.

pervipete · 03-13-2009, 01:40 PM

another fan

W2E · 03-13-2009, 03:31 PM

A priest a rapist and a pedophile walked into a bar.. and thats just the first guy..

pervipete · 03-13-2009, 04:01 PM

A streaker ran past two old ladies, two had a stroke...

And the third was two slow

pervipete · 03-13-2009, 04:51 PM

I've just been sent this in an email

The love story of Ralph and Edna...

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'

Today is Mental Health Day! You can do your bit by remembering to send an email to an unstable friend...

Done my part!!!

Hailo · 03-13-2009, 06:44 PM

That was toooo funny!

Quote:

Originally Posted by pervipete

I've just been sent this in an email

The love story of Ralph and Edna...

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'

Today is Mental Health Day! You can do your bit by remembering to send an email to an unstable friend...

Done my part!!!

FuckingRotter · 03-14-2009, 02:43 AM

Blind man walks into a lesbian bar, finds his way to the bar, sits on a stool and orders a drink.

Blissfully unaware of the women around him he asks the barmaid "Do you want to hear a blonde joke?".

The barmaid replies "Sure, but I think it's only fair to warn you that I am blonde. The manageress sitting at the other end of the bar is blonde. The lady who minds the door and is also a Kung Fu teacher is blonde, and my three dyke biker bitch friends who just walked in and sat down next to you are also blonde. But tell the joke if you want to."

"Nah." The blind man replies and smiles. "I don't want to have to explain the same joke half a dozen times."

sindyloo · 03-14-2009, 11:36 AM

Cute one FR!

A guy walks into a bar with a duck on his head and gos up to the bar.
Bartender looks up and says...."Can I help you?"

"Yea, says the Duck, "Can you get this guy off my ass?"

pervipete · 03-14-2009, 11:37 AM

Dwarf walks into a bar and the barman says, get out we don't serve shorts in here

ShyAngel · 03-14-2009, 01:22 PM

The Navy found they had too many officers and non-com's and decided
to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who
volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured
in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer
got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top
of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and
walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to
be measured from the tip of his out stretched hands to his toes. He
walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief
who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied,
"From the tip of my weenie to my testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider,
explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had
received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along
with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em,"
which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip
of the Chief's weenie and began to work back.

Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"
The old Chief calmly replied, " Vietnam".

pervipete · 03-14-2009, 01:50 PM

A business man is interviewing for a new accountant. He calls in the first one, "whats 1 plus 1" he asks "2" comes the reply, the businessman shakes his and sends the accountant away, the second accountant comes in and gets asked the same question, with the same result. A third, older, accountant walks through the door, "Whats 1 plus 1" he is asked, the accountant looks at the businessman, thinks and goes "what do you want it to be"

Two businessmen meet in the street

1st "sorry about your factory burning down"
2nd "sshh, that's next week"

What do call 1000 banck CEO's chained at the bottom of the river
A Start

pervipete · 03-14-2009, 01:52 PM

How man therapists does it take to change a lightbulb

One, and that's only if the bulb wants to change

ShyAngel · 03-14-2009, 06:58 PM

This morning on the Interstate,
I looked over to my left and there was a Woman In a brand new Cadillac

Doing 75 mph

With her Face, up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple seconds!

And when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily.

But she scared me so much; I dropped Mmy electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear, which fell, into the coffee
between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone,
soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.

Damn women drivers!!

fival · 03-14-2009, 07:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ShyAngel

This morning on the Interstate,
I looked over to my left and there was a Woman In a brand new Cadillac

Doing 75 mph

With her Face, up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple seconds!

And when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily.

But she scared me so much; I dropped Mmy electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear, which fell, into the coffee
between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone,
soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.

Damn women drivers!!

that was funny as hell cause even while doing all that he stayed in his lane hahahaha lol

jwham · 03-14-2009, 07:55 PM

A middle manager was in a quandary. He had to downsize one of his staff
members. He had narrowed it down to one of two candidates, Polly or Jack.

It would be a difficult decision to make, as they were both equally
qualified and both did excellent work.

He finally decided that in the morning, whichever one used the water
cooler first would be the one to be let go.

Polly came in early that morning, hugely hung over after partying all
night and getting no sleep. She went to the cooler to get some water to
take an aspirin.

The manager approached her and said, "Polly, I've never done this before,
but I have to lay you or Jack off."

Polly replied, "Could you jack off? I have a terrible headache."

03-13-2009, 04:21 AM	#24
mondaymonday Member Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: USA Posts: 93 Reputation: 969	two guys walk into a bar the third one ducks __________________ Hank: Look dude, elephants! Dean: You can tell which ones are the males because they're the only ones with the tusks. Hank: I got no problem telling which one's the male bro. Check out the fifth leg on that beast! Dean: It's called a trunk. Hank: It's called you're a spaz and that aint what I'm talking about. The Kass/Krista Thread!

03-13-2009, 01:38 PM	#26
FuckingRotter The Fist of Fury. Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: Entering the.... Posts: 9,649 Reputation: 118903	Can't remember where I heard it but it may have been on Top Gear. __________________ Fist is a four letter word. So is fist, fist, fist, fist, fist, fist fist, fist, fist, fist, fist, and, well you get the fist-fucking picture.... THE WESTCOUNTRY SHALL RISE AGAIN! Yay! It's pink! Don't think.... FEEL! We're Englishmen, and we came here, to rape your women and drink your beer. I went back in time and voted for Hitler. Pouring oil on troubled waters since 2008. Then lighting a fucking match.

03-13-2009, 01:40 PM	#27
pervipete Watching from the shadows Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: The Shadowlands... Posts: 5,170 Reputation: 118528	another fan __________________ Tonight love, we'll do a rape roleplay No!! That's the spirit... Spam Reporting Thread The Hazelton Chronicles Blackmailing the MILF's Chapter One The Rape Board Chronicles - LilLinzi in the Alley Consquences

03-13-2009, 04:01 PM	#29
pervipete Watching from the shadows Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: The Shadowlands... Posts: 5,170 Reputation: 118528	A streaker ran past two old ladies, two had a stroke... And the third was two slow __________________ Tonight love, we'll do a rape roleplay No!! That's the spirit... Spam Reporting Thread The Hazelton Chronicles Blackmailing the MILF's Chapter One The Rape Board Chronicles - LilLinzi in the Alley Consquences

03-13-2009, 04:51 PM	#30
pervipete Watching from the shadows Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: The Shadowlands... Posts: 5,170 Reputation: 118528	I've just been sent this in an email The love story of Ralph and Edna... Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.' Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?' Today is Mental Health Day! You can do your bit by remembering to send an email to an unstable friend... Done my part!!! __________________ Tonight love, we'll do a rape roleplay No!! That's the spirit... Spam Reporting Thread The Hazelton Chronicles Blackmailing the MILF's Chapter One The Rape Board Chronicles - LilLinzi in the Alley Consquences

03-13-2009, 02:57 AM	#21
fival Privileged Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: killifornia Posts: 678 Reputation: 12056	what do you call a black pilot......a pilot you fucking racist

03-13-2009, 03:27 AM	#22
ShyAngel Privileged Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Las Vegas Posts: 959 Reputation: 21985	A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well. 'What's the matter?' he asks. 'I have a case of anal glaucoma,' she says in a weak voice. 'What the hell is anal glaucoma?' 'I can't see my ass coming into work today.'

03-13-2009, 03:35 AM	#23
fival Privileged Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: killifornia Posts: 678 Reputation: 12056	a man comes home from work and his wife says" honey your boss called and said your fired" the man goes " well fuck him then" the wife says "i did you start back on monday"

03-13-2009, 03:31 PM	#28
W2E Junior Member Join Date: Feb 2009 Posts: 11 Reputation: 119	A priest a rapist and a pedophile walked into a bar.. and thats just the first guy..

03-14-2009, 02:43 AM	#32
FuckingRotter The Fist of Fury. Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: Entering the.... Posts: 9,649 Reputation: 118903	Blind man walks into a lesbian bar, finds his way to the bar, sits on a stool and orders a drink. Blissfully unaware of the women around him he asks the barmaid "Do you want to hear a blonde joke?". The barmaid replies "Sure, but I think it's only fair to warn you that I am blonde. The manageress sitting at the other end of the bar is blonde. The lady who minds the door and is also a Kung Fu teacher is blonde, and my three dyke biker bitch friends who just walked in and sat down next to you are also blonde. But tell the joke if you want to." "Nah." The blind man replies and smiles. "I don't want to have to explain the same joke half a dozen times." __________________ Fist is a four letter word. So is fist, fist, fist, fist, fist, fist fist, fist, fist, fist, fist, and, well you get the fist-fucking picture.... THE WESTCOUNTRY SHALL RISE AGAIN! Yay! It's pink! Don't think.... FEEL! We're Englishmen, and we came here, to rape your women and drink your beer. I went back in time and voted for Hitler. Pouring oil on troubled waters since 2008. Then lighting a fucking match.

03-14-2009, 11:36 AM	#33
sindyloo Privileged Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Posts: 2,178 Reputation: 34844	Cute one FR! A guy walks into a bar with a duck on his head and gos up to the bar. Bartender looks up and says...."Can I help you?" "Yea, says the Duck, "Can you get this guy off my ass?" __________________ Tommy Loy, the cabin boy, The dirty little nipper, He filled his ass With broken glass And cirumcized the skipper!

03-14-2009, 11:37 AM	#34
pervipete Watching from the shadows Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: The Shadowlands... Posts: 5,170 Reputation: 118528	Dwarf walks into a bar and the barman says, get out we don't serve shorts in here __________________ Tonight love, we'll do a rape roleplay No!! That's the spirit... Spam Reporting Thread The Hazelton Chronicles Blackmailing the MILF's Chapter One The Rape Board Chronicles - LilLinzi in the Alley Consquences Last edited by pervipete; 03-14-2009 at 01:44 PM.

03-14-2009, 01:22 PM	#35
ShyAngel Privileged Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Las Vegas Posts: 959 Reputation: 21985	The Navy found they had too many officers and non-com's and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be. The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000. The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his out stretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000. The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my weenie to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer. The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?" The old Chief calmly replied, " Vietnam".

03-14-2009, 01:50 PM	#36
pervipete Watching from the shadows Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: The Shadowlands... Posts: 5,170 Reputation: 118528	A business man is interviewing for a new accountant. He calls in the first one, "whats 1 plus 1" he asks "2" comes the reply, the businessman shakes his and sends the accountant away, the second accountant comes in and gets asked the same question, with the same result. A third, older, accountant walks through the door, "Whats 1 plus 1" he is asked, the accountant looks at the businessman, thinks and goes "what do you want it to be" Two businessmen meet in the street 1st "sorry about your factory burning down" 2nd "sshh, that's next week" What do call 1000 banck CEO's chained at the bottom of the river A Start __________________ Tonight love, we'll do a rape roleplay No!! That's the spirit... Spam Reporting Thread The Hazelton Chronicles Blackmailing the MILF's Chapter One The Rape Board Chronicles - LilLinzi in the Alley Consquences

03-14-2009, 01:52 PM	#37
pervipete Watching from the shadows Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: The Shadowlands... Posts: 5,170 Reputation: 118528	How man therapists does it take to change a lightbulb One, and that's only if the bulb wants to change __________________ Tonight love, we'll do a rape roleplay No!! That's the spirit... Spam Reporting Thread The Hazelton Chronicles Blackmailing the MILF's Chapter One The Rape Board Chronicles - LilLinzi in the Alley Consquences

03-14-2009, 06:58 PM	#38
ShyAngel Privileged Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Las Vegas Posts: 959 Reputation: 21985	This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a Woman In a brand new Cadillac Doing 75 mph With her Face, up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner. I looked away for a couple seconds! And when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup. As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped Mmy electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear, which fell, into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call. Damn women drivers!!

03-14-2009, 07:55 PM	#40
jwham Privileged Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: USA Posts: 1,007 Reputation: 23285	A middle manager was in a quandary. He had to downsize one of his staff members. He had narrowed it down to one of two candidates, Polly or Jack. It would be a difficult decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning, whichever one used the water cooler first would be the one to be let go. Polly came in early that morning, hugely hung over after partying all night and getting no sleep. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin. The manager approached her and said, "Polly, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off." Polly replied, "Could you jack off? I have a terrible headache."