1/2 of My first story, feedback appreciated

[LilMissNoPleaseNo]

Hi guys! This is the first half of my first attempt at fiction about my fantasies -- its the story of the first time I met one of my online co-conspirators, embellished and widened. Let me know what you think!


-----

I couldn’t believe he was actually here … all that time spent talking over the internet, getting to know each other and making endless innuendos, and here he was … I’d picked him up at the airport only 15 minutes earlier. The car ride home was uneventful. I was a little nervous but he seemed like a nice enough guy -- I wasn’t catching any sort of menacing vibes from him or anything. He had a strong personal presence for sure (probably somewhat arising from his role as lead singer in a band) but so far he’d been nothing but polite and pleasant … almost too much so. The small talk was all about his trip, the flight, the band he played for …I whispered a silent prayer in my mind that he wasn’t another wishy-washy little fucker who pretended to wear the big boy daddy pants in order to get a little NSA nookie. Too many times had promising men talked a good game on instant messenger only to nervously ask me if I was ‘sure I was okay’ every 30 seconds after a light slap on the behind. *Sigh.* A girl can always hope, no?
I pulled into my driveway and parked the car. With a deep breath and a mustered smile I walked up the steps to the front porch, him following with his tattered backpack and lone piece of dark brown luggage. I unlocked the front door and swung it open for him, holding the screen door so he could get inside with his cargo. I followed a step behind , and turned to close the front door. “You can put your suitcase in the first room on the ri!--” bam, something slammed into me from behind, nearly locking the breath right out of my lungs. Stunned and a little dazed the side of my face was pressed against the cold metal of the front door when I felt a hand travel slowly up the back of my neck and twist itself into my hair. He was right behind me pinning me to the door with his body. I heard the quiver in my own voice as I asked “Wh-what are you d--” and suddenly the hand not in my hair was over my mouth.
“Don’t you say a fucking word” he growled into my ear. I could feel his hot breath on my neck. I shut my mouth. I stayed very still, trying to think of what to do next, it had all happened so fast, I didn’t know if I was really ready for all of this, so soon after we met, was this a bad idea, I just wasn’t sure--”You do know that you are mine now, right, little bitch?” A cold chill shot down my spine; the hairs on the back of my neck stood up. I felt something hot and wet drag itself slowly up the side of my face -- he was licking me, like a dog. My head automatically jerked slightly away from the slimy feeling -- my reward was the tightening of the hand in my hair and a quick rap of my head against the door. I squealed against the hand covering my mouth. My attacker spun me around to face him and moved his hand from over my mouth to around my neck, I felt strong fingers tighten there, not enough to cut off air but enough to assure me it wouldn’t take much. I heard a sinister chuckle.
“Are you surprised, cunt? You look a little hurt, I see it in your eyes.” He made a mocking sad face. “I am so sorry, did I not spend enough time telling you about my childhood? Did you want to know my favorite color?” An evil laugh. “None of that matters, my dear! All that matters is that I have a throbbing and dry cock in my pants and you, you my dear, have any number of nice wet holes in which it may hide.” I need to tell this man that I’m not ready for all of this, that if he could just give me a little time to get to know him I’d be much more relaxed and compliant … “Um, Sir, um, I--” the side of my face exploded with heat and pain and I fell to my knees. My own hand went to my cheek and felt the warmth spreading where I had just been slapped hard enough to make me see stars. I look up at my visitor in shock.
“Goooood bitch” he croons, “on your knees is your rightful place. A bitch who knows where she belongs is a bitch who may even get to leave the house this weekend.” He turns from me to pick up his backpack and, still dazed, I raise myself to one knee and grab the doorknob to help me up off the ground. I hear the backpack fall and this time the other side of my face meets with burning agony and I fall to the ground on all fours. His hand is twisted through my hair and my head is jerked back, I cry out and a hand is on my face squeezing my cheeks like one would a petulant child. His face is inches from mine and his eyes are on fire. “Did I say you could get up? Did I fucking tell you to move at all? Why in the FUCK have I been wasting my time with such a worthless piece of shit? Answer me!” I am gasping now and his face has gone hazy as my eyes are filling up with tears. I manage to stutter out a few ‘I’m sorry’s’ between sobs but cant be any more articulate the way my face and scalp are both on fire. “You don’t know what sorry fucking is …” he says, and disgustedly releases me “…but you will.” I fall to the floor. I try to hold myself together. He is facing away again but I don’t want to move and risk another blow. “Close your eyes, cunt.” I do as I am told already bracing my face for another blow and doing my best to keep my shaking hands at my sides.
I hear him rummaging around in his pack, I want to peek at what he is doing but I am too afraid of the repercussions. I am scared but I am also a little angry, the fighter in me coming to the surface even if I know it is a bad idea. “Hands behind your back.” I do so, still playing along for now. Oh shit. Cold metal bracelets encircle my wrists and click with finality before I can react. Shit shit shit, I am so fucked now. I open my eyes, “Sir, with all due respect Sir, we never discussed -” I hit the floor face first with nothing to break my fall. Oof! Rough hands flip me over, I am now lying on my back with my shoulder joints screaming as my hands are bound behind me. A blindfold covers my eyes even as I try to shake my head free, my assailant laughing the entire time. “God-DAMMIT” I yell, frustrated, then immediately steel myself for a hit -- but the hit doesn’t come. Only hands on my face, stroking and touching, playing with my hair as if I was on the couch with a friendly lover rather than bound in my hallway floor by a man I barely knew.
I feel hot breath on my neck. My face grimaces as the soft vulnerable part of my neck is licked and sucked. His hot lips travel up to my own mouth. He presses his lips against mine but my teeth are clenched shut. “Open your mouth.” I say nothing. “Open yourr fucking mouth.” I silently refuse. “Open. Your. Mouth.” Fingers pinch my nose shut and it slowly registers that this man’s tongue must go in my mouth if I am to breathe. I hold out as long as I can then open my mouth in a loud gasp -- his hot tongue is immediately shoved into it, he is licking and sucking my own tongue even as I thrash my head from side to side. I hear a whisper in my ear, “stop moving,” and instantly I freeze. It is not the malicious undertone that holds me completely still but the feeling of something cold and unforgiving against my throat, but surely not, surely to god that’s not what that could be, I didn’t bargain for any of “I have a knife at your throat, pet.” My blood runs cold. “You are being contrary and that is something I simply cannot allow. You will isten to me. You will obey me. Or so help me God I will beat the everloving fuck out of you and send pictures of it to all of your exes so they can see that the stupid cunt they used to fuck finally got what she deserved.”

[Niceideas]

I didn't read it, I'm sure it's good, but I took one look at it and thought...Paragraphs. I know it's in paragraphs but it still looks like one big block of text.

Can you edit it please??

[zero7destiny]

Whoa, this crazy, sexy, & pure hotness...I'm thirsty for more of this story... please continue

[AWDracer]

Originally Posted by Niceideas

I didn't read it, I'm sure it's good, but I took one look at it and thought...Paragraphs. I know it's in paragraphs but it still looks like one big block of text.

Can you edit it please??

If you really wanted to read it that much, you could've just copied and pasted it onto Word and make them into paragraphs yourself. But here we are, someone complaining.

[Niceideas]

Originally Posted by AWDracer

If you really wanted to read it that much, you could've just copied and pasted it onto Word and make them into paragraphs yourself. But here we are, someone complaining.

Technically it wasn't a complaint, more like the feedback she asked for, pour some sugar on that

[AWDracer]

Originally Posted by Niceideas

Technically it wasn't a complaint, more like the feedback she asked for, pour some sugar on that

That's a nice idea.

Sorry.

[Night.Bane]

Here you go, in a more user-friendly format. After being distracted by LilMissNoPleaseNo's avatar, it's the least I could do. I made two or three very small spelling corrections as well.

As for the story, it's a good start. Take it further for us!

Hi guys! This is the first half of my first attempt at fiction about my fantasies -- its the story of the first time I met one of my online co-conspirators, embellished and widened. Let me know what you think!


-----

I couldn’t believe he was actually here … all that time spent talking over the internet, getting to know each other and making endless innuendos, and here he was … I’d picked him up at the airport only 15 minutes earlier. The car ride home was uneventful. I was a little nervous but he seemed like a nice enough guy -- I wasn’t catching any sort of menacing vibes from him or anything. He had a strong personal presence for sure (probably somewhat arising from his role as lead singer in a band) but so far he’d been nothing but polite and pleasant … almost too much so. The small talk was all about his trip, the flight, the band he played for …I whispered a silent prayer in my mind that he wasn’t another wishy-washy little fucker who pretended to wear the big boy daddy pants in order to get a little NSA nookie. Too many times had promising men talked a good game on instant messenger only to nervously ask me if I was ‘sure I was okay’ every 30 seconds after a light slap on the behind. *Sigh.* A girl can always hope, no?

I pulled into my driveway and parked the car. With a deep breath and a mustered smile I walked up the steps to the front porch, him following with his tattered backpack and lone piece of dark brown luggage. I unlocked the front door and swung it open for him, holding the screen door so he could get inside with his cargo. I followed a step behind , and turned to close the front door. “You can put your suitcase in the first room on the ri!--” bam, something slammed into me from behind, nearly locking the breath right out of my lungs. Stunned and a little dazed the side of my face was pressed against the cold metal of the front door when I felt a hand travel slowly up the back of my neck and twist itself into my hair. He was right behind me pinning me to the door with his body. I heard the quiver in my own voice as I asked “Wh-what are you d--” and suddenly the hand not in my hair was over my mouth.

“Don’t you say a fucking word” he growled into my ear. I could feel his hot breath on my neck. I shut my mouth. I stayed very still, trying to think of what to do next, it had all happened so fast, I didn’t know if I was really ready for all of this, so soon after we met, was this a bad idea, I just wasn’t sure--”You do know that you are mine now, right, little bitch?” A cold chill shot down my spine; the hairs on the back of my neck stood up. I felt something hot and wet drag itself slowly up the side of my face -- he was licking me, like a dog. My head automatically jerked slightly away from the slimy feeling -- my reward was the tightening of the hand in my hair and a quick rap of my head against the door. I squealed against the hand covering my mouth. My attacker spun me around to face him and moved his hand from over my mouth to around my neck, I felt strong fingers tighten there, not enough to cut off air but enough to assure me it wouldn’t take much. I heard a sinister chuckle.

“Are you surprised, cunt? You look a little hurt, I see it in your eyes.” He made a mocking sad face. “I am so sorry, did I not spend enough time telling you about my childhood? Did you want to know my favorite color?” An evil laugh. “None of that matters, my dear! All that matters is that I have a throbbing and dry cock in my pants and you, you my dear, have any number of nice wet holes in which it may hide.” I need to tell this man that I’m not ready for all of this, that if he could just give me a little time to get to know him I’d be much more relaxed and compliant.

“Um, Sir, um, I--” the side of my face exploded with heat and pain and I fell to my knees. My own hand went to my cheek and felt the warmth spreading where I had just been slapped hard enough to make me see stars. I look up at my visitor in shock.

“Goooood bitch” he croons, “on your knees is your rightful place. A bitch who knows where she belongs is a bitch who may even get to leave the house this weekend.” He turns from me to pick up his backpack and, still dazed, I raise myself to one knee and grab the doorknob to help me up off the ground. I hear the backpack fall and this time the other side of my face meets with burning agony and I fall to the ground on all fours. His hand is twisted through my hair and my head is jerked back, I cry out and a hand is on my face squeezing my cheeks like one would a petulant child. His face is inches from mine and his eyes are on fire. “Did I say you could get up? Did I fucking tell you to move at all? Why in the FUCK have I been wasting my time with such a worthless piece of shit? Answer me!” I am gasping now and his face has gone hazy as my eyes are filling up with tears. I manage to stutter out a few ‘I’m sorry’s’ between sobs but cant be any more articulate the way my face and scalp are both on fire. “You don’t know what sorry fucking is …” he says, and disgustedly releases me “…but you will.” I fall to the floor. I try to hold myself together. He is facing away again but I don’t want to move and risk another blow. “Close your eyes, cunt.” I do as I am told already bracing my face for another blow and doing my best to keep my shaking hands at my sides.

I hear him rummaging around in his pack, I want to peek at what he is doing but I am too afraid of the repercussions. I am scared but I am also a little angry, the fighter in me coming to the surface even if I know it is a bad idea. “Hands behind your back.” I do so, still playing along for now. Oh shit. Cold metal bracelets encircle my wrists and click with finality before I can react. Shit shit shit, I am so fucked now.

I open my eyes, “Sir, with all due respect Sir, we never discussed -” I hit the floor face first with nothing to break my fall. Oof! Rough hands flip me over, I am now lying on my back with my shoulder joints screaming as my hands are bound behind me. A blindfold covers my eyes even as I try to shake my head free, my assailant laughing the entire time. “God-DAMMIT” I yell, frustrated, then immediately steel myself for a hit -- but the hit doesn’t come. Only hands on my face, stroking and touching, playing with my hair as if I was on the couch with a friendly lover rather than bound in my hallway floor by a man I barely knew.

I feel hot breath on my neck. My face grimaces as the soft vulnerable part of my neck is licked and sucked. His hot lips travel up to my own mouth. He presses his lips against mine but my teeth are clenched shut. “Open your mouth.” I say nothing. “Open yourr fucking mouth.” I silently refuse. “Open. Your. Mouth.” Fingers pinch my nose shut and it slowly registers that this man’s tongue must go in my mouth if I am to breathe. I hold out as long as I can then open my mouth in a loud gasp -- his hot tongue is immediately shoved into it, he is licking and sucking my own tongue even as I thrash my head from side to side. I hear a whisper in my ear, “stop moving,” and instantly I freeze. It is not the malicious undertone that holds me completely still but the feeling of something cold and unforgiving against my throat, but surely not, surely to god that’s not what that could be, I didn’t bargain for any of “I have a knife at your throat, pet.” My blood runs cold. “You are being contrary and that is something I simply cannot allow. You will listen to me. You will obey me. Or so help me God I will beat the everloving fuck out of you and send pictures of it to all of your exes so they can see that the stupid cunt they used to fuck finally got what she deserved.”

[Niceideas]

Originally Posted by AWDracer

That's a nice idea.

Sorry.

Night.Bane, thanks for editing this, i actually read now because of this. It's very good, i don't reads stories and roleplays to much but i enjoyed this. I like how they are actually meeting for that purpose but the story concentrates on her feelings and dilemas about the meeting and how it progresses.

I also like how she knows she must be submissive to him and gives it the "sir sir" treatment. I get the feeling that she is only doing this for her own self interest and will fight back if he drops his guard. The only criticism i have is the piece of conversation where the rapist starts off with "are you supprised cunt" it doesn't sound natural and in line with his character; sure if he was an older guy if would work, but he seems young-ish. I would suggest changing it to make it more brutal sounding (short and sharp burst of conversation like he is psyching himself up to continue).

So in conclusion Littlemiss, i think it's a very goos story, it doesn't dwell with back ground information to much and gets to the action quickly, this keeps the reader's interest. Once the action starts it builds nicely, not to quick not to fast, you found a steady pace for it. The male protagonist has the potential to get very sadistic where as the female could go either way, although you did hint that she will fight him. I would most definatly like to see how this story continues. Well done keep writing you have a knack for it.

[Wendel]

Originally Posted by AWDracer

If you really wanted to read it that much, you could've just copied and pasted it onto Word and make them into paragraphs yourself. But here we are, someone complaining.

True, but the point of writing something is to get people to read it.

The easier it is to read, or the more appealing it is on the eyes, the more people will read it, which is why you write in the first place. (right?)

To write a story (or the beginning of one) in a large block if text is not a good idea. People click on your story, see a block of test, and pass on it because it is to much work. Entertainment should not be work.

You also cannot expect people to "cut and paste" your story on to their word processor to correct your errors and make your story more readable. They might as well change any other thing about the story they don't like and thus eleminate the need for you as a writer in the first place.

These are basics and any writer should know them AWDracer.