Policewoman jokes

[Ambush-predator]

I've had my joke-making programme working overtime. One of these is an almost straight lift from a schoolboy joke, one from a joke in an old mag and one a major adaptation of another schoolboy joke, but the others are original as far as I know.

POLICEWOMAN JOKES


The fit young policewoman chased the big black robber into the dead-end alley. At the end, he turned round, panting.
“Are you going to come quietly?” she asked.
“No,” he chuckled. “I’m going to come with a lot of grunts and evil laughter!”

Why should you never take a policewoman on a train?
Because the other passengers might rescue her.

Why should you never take a policewoman’s arse on a ferry?
Because you might never get to the other side.

What should you do if you find a policewoman’s panties?
Rip them off and get on with it.

The young policewoman cornered three drug dealers. Was she a heroine?
Yes, a heroin addict after they’d finished with her.

The curvy policewoman stopped the car and found the driver was a soft spoken, middle-aged, sullen, shady type. He called her a “porker” but didn’t otherwise make trouble. He stood by and watched with interest as she bent and looked in the boot. She found several obviously stolen items and a baseball bat. Then she turned around, puzzled.
“Why have you stolen a bacon slicer?”

The plump-bottomed young policewoman was addressing some young offenders in an institution. The warders had left her to it. She didn’t quite like the look in the eyes of the biggest lad, especially when she caught him staring at her bottom, but she was a professional and got on with it.
“Let’s start by you telling me your name and where you come from,” she said. “I’m Julie, Dartford.”
“Tracy, Northampton.”
“Darren, Swindon.”
“Debra, Enfield.”
“Rupert, Brixton.” That just left the big lad.
“And you?” she asked. He got up, towering over her, his eyes hungry.
“Ben, Dover,” he said.

A: “Yesterday I presented a policewoman to a Saudi sheikh.”
B: “Was she pleased?”
A: “I don’t know, but he was. I got a horse in exchange.”

Why does a British policewoman not carry a gun?
She thinks a baton up her cunt is preferable.

What’s a good place to take a nice policewoman?
Her arsehole or maybe her cunt.

How should you arrange four gang members and one policewoman?
Two abreast.

The young policewoman saw an old man standing by the road on the edge of town looking confused. She stopped her car and got out.
“Get in and I’ll give you a ride,” she said.
“Thanks,” he said, punching her in the belly and dragging her behind the bushes.

The beautiful policewoman had just saved the man’s son from drowning in the remote lake.
“I don’t know what I can give you,” the man said, taking in her uniform plastered to her tits and cunt. “Oh, yes I do,” he said, grabbing her. Come on, son.”

A: “I beat a policewoman on the golf course last week.”
B: “Over how many holes?”
A: “One – her arsehole.”

“Can you really take me in the gang’s hideout?” the young policewoman asked enthusiastically.
“Delighted,” I said. Only problem was, when I’d finished on her all the other gang members had a piece.

A: “Last night about 4 in the morning I heard banging at my door. I looked out and there was this policewoman.”
B: “Shit! Did you do a runner?”
A: “No way. I went down to join in. She was getting banged by the local rapist.”

What do you give a bent cop girl?
A good hiding and then an arsefuck.

First Robber: “I was pulling away from the jeweller’s when this policewoman jumped on the car.”
Second Robber: “Shit! Did you get rid of her?”
First Robber: “Yeah, last week, to some guys in Nigeria for three thou.”

You’re a people trafficker. You’ve just raped an interfering policewoman and dragged her in to your house. Do you take her to the bedroom?
No, cellar.

A: “There’s a policewoman in the kitchen, Abbot!”
B: “Just Friar.”

Gangster: “Boss, there’s a policewoman poking in the store-room.”
Mr Big: “Excellent! How many policewomen are we poking?”

Why should you always rape a policewoman up the arse?
Because we should all get behind the police.

Butcher: “Yesterday down by the docks this curvy policewoman charged me with arson.”
Friend: “Shit! Will it stick?”
Butcher: “No. She can’t charge me with arse off.”

A: “This impertinent young policewoman gave me a talking to for dropping litter.”
B: “Is she a beat officer?”
A: “No, but she will be soon.”

Gangster: “Boss, there’s a policewoman hiding in the tool-room.”
Boss: “How convenient. The big drill, I think.”

A: “Would you like to drill a policewoman with a Black and Decker?”
B: “I’d rather deck her first and then drill her with the Black guy.”

Why are raped policewomen like babies?
You get them through a stalk.

Would you run after a policewoman with a bare behind?
Shouldn’t be necessary. She won’t move much after the bear’s arsefucked her.

The brave policewoman seized the big burglar and after a tough fight, she overpowered him. She was straddling him, trying to get the cuffs on him, when the householder returned.
“Could you just put the cuffs on?” she asked him.
“Thanks, mate,” said the burglar. “Now let’s fuck her arse off.”

Have you heard about the policewoman who backed into the slicing machine?
Disaster!

The armed cops gathered around the building where the ruthless gangster was holding the policewoman hostage.
“Come on out,” one shouted, “we know you’re up there!”

A Catholic was in confession. He'd admitted before to a sexual obsession. He had more to confess:
"Father, yesterday this gorgeous policewoman bent over a desk and she had such a fantastic bottom and such unbelievable legs that I grabbed her, pulled her trousers down and entered her there on the spot."
"Good Lord! You'll never get into Heaven that way!"
"No, and I won't get into the Police either."

Why do Muslim terrorists not eat pigs?
They much prefer raping and torturing them.

[duracel69]

Q. What do you call a British policewoman who shaves her private parts?
A. Cunt stubble.

[Ambush-predator]

Thanks, battery. A Chubby Brown joke. I've actually used that in my "She Got What She Asked For" story, in the bit I've just now posted.

Yobs can enjoy addressing a policewoman as CUNTstable and there isn't a thing she can do about it.

[Ambush-predator]

An eighteen-year-old rapist and an eighty-year-old burglar are chatting in a night-club, sharing stories and tricks of the trade.
The proud young man has just finished describing in great detail how he raped a policewoman who tried to catch him.
“Policewomen aren’t what they used to be,” the old man muses. “I know these trousers they wear can light a brother’s fires, especially the tight ones, but in the old days they used to wear tight, clingy skirts. They couldn’t run fast in them, which was just fantastic, man, when you were chasing one. And you could put your hand up them. You could look up them. Once I was doing this office and a silent alarm went off. Pigs were all over the place. I hid and when I looked out, there was this skylight and a little piggy, juicy little white piece, standing right over it, one leg on either side. I could see right up her skirt. She wasn’t wearing no tights, but stockings and suspenders. She had lovely little wispy panties, man, pink with white frilly edges, bunching into her cunt and azzcrack, a few blonde hairs creeping outside. Shit, it was hot.”

“Fuck. What did you do?” the young man asks.

“My prick was going to bust my trousers, so I let it out. Soon as I did that, it pointed straight at the target and shot off like a rocket, man, a great high-speed gob, smashed straight through the skylight and up her cunt, must have pushed her panties about three inches up it.”

“Nice story,” said the young man, smiling.

“It’s true, son, or you wouldn’t be here.”

[Ambush-predator]

Policewoman to rapist: “Your career of abusing women is at an end, you pathetic pervert!”

Pathetic pervert, five hours later: “What you said was absolutely true, Miss Piggy – and it’s the fattest, roundest, bounciest, reddest, rawest, tightest, juiciest, tastiest end I’ve ever thrashed, fucked and bitten.”

[Ambush-predator]

Why do Arabs prefer policewomen to camels?
You can only get two humps at most on a camel.

When should a policewoman use her stick?
When she’s feeling lonely.

Do you need a licence to hunt policewomen in the UK?
Yes, it’s pretty hard without a car or a van.

The brave policewoman approached the man with a gun.
“Give it to me,” she said. He gave it to her.

What’s brown and floats in water?
An Indian policewoman who got raped by smugglers.

“Cop girls don’t last long down here,” said the local. “The last one, pretty little thing, got a pole up her arse.”
“Yes, that was me,” said Zygmunt.

Why do policewomen wear white panties?
So you can see them in the dark.

First Hunter: “I say, old boy, up in Warren Wood this morning I got an absolutely lovely policewoman. Here she is.”
Second Hunter: “Good lord, what a beauty! Will you stuff her and mount her?”
First Hunter: “What kind of a chap do you think I am? I did that while she was still alive, screaming, struggling, sobbing and pleading for mercy.”

What’s gangsters; favourite food?
Pork cuntlets.

The beautiful, big-bottomed English policewoman came on a large group of East Europeans just inside an Area of Outstanding Natural Beauty. They had a campfire on the grass and were chopping branches off a tree for more firewood.
“You can’t do that here,” she said. “Haven’t you seen that sign – YOU ARE NOW ENTERING AN AREA OF OUTSTANDING NATURAL BEAUTY?
“So these things are not permitted in this Area?” the one who seemed to be the leader asked. “It is permitted to enter an Area of Outstanding Natural Beauty?”
“Yes, of course,” she replied. “In fact, you’re welcome.”
So, right by the sign, they gang-banged her up her arse.

The two poachers were comparing their night’s work.
“I got a lovely hare and a brace of pheasants,” one said. “Pretty good”.
“I was just taking this ornamental peacock when a policewoman came rushing at me,” said the other.
“Oh, bad luck!”
“Bad luck? She’s hanging up in the shed.”

Rich Man: “I had a policewoman on my yacht at the weekend.”
Friend: “Was she investigating a crime?”
Rich Man: “No.”
Friend: “The lengths you go to to get in a girl’s panties!”
Rich Man: “Dead right. Watch her through binoculars coming down the marina walkway, get ready, hail her, say my small daughter has collapsed below decks and isn’t responding, get her on the boat, tap her on the back of the head, sail out to sea, strip her, cuff her, rape her, pop her over the side...I’m tired out!”

The four teenagers – two girls in bikinis and two lads – approached the policewoman.
“Is it OK for you to be naked on this part of the beach?” one of the girls asked.
“Yes, that’s fine,” she replied. The girl looked at the sea.
“Is it OK to go in?” she asked.
“Yes, it’s fine.” So they grabbed her, stripped her and raped her.

The pretty little policewoman arrived at the scene of the mass pub fight. Her arrival caused a moment’s silence.
“Obviously I can’t physically stop you big men fighting,” she said, “but I just hope you can call it a day and get on with one another, enjoying yourselves.”
So they gang-banged her.

First youth: “This fucking pig come up to me when I was trying to break into a car and says, ‘You! What are you looking for?’.”
Second youth: “Cunt!”
First youth: “Yeah, well, I found it, too.”

First gangster: “Last year, I screwed a policewoman up against that wall.”
Second gangster: “Yeah? Prove it.”
First gangster: “Look here. There’s the marks of the screws.”

What should you do if you can’t get a policewoman off your getaway car?
Use extra strength cleaner.

Chained Policewoman: “Whatever you do to me, I’m not giving you any information!”
Drug dealer boss: “Who said anything about information?”

Gangster: “Boss, there’s an undercover policewoman in our set-up!”
Boss: “Remove her cover, then, and bring her here.”

Policewoman to grimy wino exposing himself: “Put that away, please. We don’t want it on public display.”
Wino (five minutes later): “It’s not on display now, is it, you prissy bitch?”

Polite policewoman: “Sir, we’ve had a number of complaints that your dog is out of control.”
Slob: “All lies. He rapes just who I tell him to. Get her, boy!”

Businessman: “I believe we do not value our policewomen nearly enough. I’ve known a pretty twenty-three-year-old, a complete specimen with all necessary parts, big tits and a very nice arse go for just over 2K, when she could fetch at least six in the Gulf.”

A: “Last night I heard old George beating shit out of his wife, so I called over this juicy young policewoman.”
B: “I didn’t know you cared that much about George’s wife.”
A: “I don’t. I just thought George deserved something better to beat.”

Policewoman to teenage vandals: “Stop vandalising that bus-shelter! Can’t you find something better to do?”
Teenage vandal: “I think we just have.”

Two young thugs have been following two unsuspecting policewomen for some time, but now their prey has turned into an ill-lit estate.
First thug: “Which do you want – the blonde or the black cunt?”
Second thug: “I didn’t know policewomen’s cunts were colour-coded.”

[Ambush-predator]

The juicy young policewoman should never have chased the rapist on to his father’s pig farm. The boar enjoyed her and her pork was delicious, but have you ever heard a pig screaming as they stick it?

[Ambush-predator]

Mr and Mrs Porritt were watching an antiques show on TV when their bell rang. At the door was a pretty policewoman, looking slightly nervous. She smiled pleasantly.

“Sorry to bother you. Nothing to worry about. There’s a report of a violent escaped convict being seen in this area. Probably a false alarm, but could I possibly check your back garden?”

Naturally they let her in and she went out the back. Two minutes later they heard the sounds of a desperate struggle. They went out to help. They and the convict enjoyed her for days.


Two alert young policewomen stopped a lorry a few miles from a port and found twenty illegal immigrants.

The immigrants’ first day in the country was happy but exhausting, and the traffickers had a return cargo.

[Ambush-predator]

Policewoman to teen gang members ringing her: “Don’t do anything stupid. I’ve got the whole weight of the law behind me.”
Gang leader: “Yeah? Judging by the size of your azz, pig bitch, you could be right.”


The keen young policewoman spotted two criminals acting suspiciously on an industrial estate. One she recognised as a big-time gangster and the other as a brutal heavy for hire. She hid round a corner and watched cautiously. Together with a third man, they were loading crates on to a lorry. The two men she recognised got into the driver’s and passenger’s seats, but as they did so, the third man got a call on his phone and turned his back. The back doors of the lorry were still open. Bravely, quick as a flash, the policewoman ran to the back of the lorry and jumped in. Seconds later the doors shut and the lorry drove off.

Two hours later, the two criminals were delighted to find in the back of the refrigerated lorry a delicious policewoman lolly.


The young policewoman saw a man standing at the edge of the flat roof of an office block. Taking in the situation in a flash, she climbed the fire escape, bravely clambered up the last bit and appeared on the roof, calling softly to the man.

“Please don’t jump,” she appealed.

“No, I’m a failure. I’m no good at sex. Women can’t stand me. I’m going to end it all,” he replied. She reasoned with him. Finally, he said: “There’s just one thing could persuade me not to jump. You’re beautiful. You look just like the women who laugh at me. Make love with me, please.” She was shocked, but she couldn’t live with herself if she failed to save a life, so she lowered her panties. He stripped naked, so she did. He was a bit rough, but certainly vigorous. She wasn’t particularly worried when he said he had a kink about handcuffs, and cuffed her.

She was worried when he said,

“Thanks for that. Actually I’m a rapist and a friend bet me I couldn’t get consensual sex with a policewoman on the roof of a building. Now, it would be a bit of an anticlimax just to leave you here and you could get very cold tonight, so – this little pipe connects to the heating system and in one hour’s time superheated steam will come out of it for ten minutes.”

This made her very unhappy, as by then he’d jammed her on to the pipe by her cunt.


The shabby little informant sidled up to the two policewomen and whispered,

“Tonight, the old quay, at eleven. Nigerian smugglers. You can make a name for yourselves.” That night they hid by the old quay and duly saw a small motor-boat come in and three black men get out with two crates. They leapt out and shone their torches.

“Police! Stay where you are!” they yelled. Maybe thinking the cops had guns, the Nigerians obeyed.

“What are you smuggling?” asked PC Chalapathy.

“Look for yourself,” said one of the black men. He opened a crate.

“But it’s empty!” said PC Suttle. “What are you really smuggling?”

“British Policewomen,” he said.


Sally and Priti rushed to the scene of a burglary. They soon found the burglar, a six foot six tattooist and body-builder with a mean face. As he just stood and looked at them, they assessed the situation. He was a bit scary, but they were dedicated officers and must do their duty.

They got on either side of him. He still didn’t move.

“Don’t do anything silly. You’re under arrest,” said Priti.

“For what?” he growled.

“For breaking and entering.”

“Then I’d better break and enter you, hadn’t I?”

Ten days later, the burglar went to see his usual fence.

“What have you got for me?” asked the fence.

“A gold necklace, a gold brooch, two silver vases, two laptops, a wide screen TV, a bottle of malt whisky and two policewomen – nice tits, nice arses, tight cunts, already broken in.” The fence made a face.

“You know as well as I do cop cunt goes for a much better price – so people try to pass off ordinary cunt as cop. How do I know they’re real cops?

“I’ve got their uniforms.”

“You can get most of that stuff in a sex shop. Anyway, the uniforms might not be theirs.”

“Their numbers are tattoed to their arses.”

“Really? Do they do that now?”

“No, but I do.”

[Ambush-predator]

The young black armed robbers were speeding away from the scene when the one in the back seat said,

“There’s a pig bitch on the back of the car.”

“I’ll swerve a bit and get rid of the cunt,” said the driver. “Not our fault the road is hard.”

“No, said the back-seat one, “she’s got her legs jammed tight under that big tail on this car and her azz pressed against the rear window. No way swerving will do her. I’ll put a bullet up her – I’ve got a good angle. Now let’s see – azzhole or cunt?” He was lining up the shot when the drive looked in the rear view mirror. The rear he saw in it made him intervene quickly to save the cop girl from getting something up her she’d never had before.

Instead, they dealt with her when they stopped to change cars, and her arse lived on for several more years in a more appropriate role, making much money for the robbers and giving many people great pleasure. Finally it was disposed of one Christmas in a responsible, sustainable, low-tech way.

The moral of this story is always to look in your rear view mirror.



What do you do if a policewoman stops your van and wants to see in the back?
You gag her but don’t blindfold her.



How does a gang deal with a proud, big-titted policewoman?
They cut her down to size.



How do gangsters make sure an interfering policewoman gets her comeuppance?
Easy. They come up her.



“Don’t go into that field,” the policewoman warned the couple out walking. “There’s an aggressive bull.”

“There’s a right of way, isn’t there? Mind your own fucking business!” the female walker replied.

“Stupid cow! Fuck off!” the man said. They went into the field. The bull charged them. They dodged and then, as the bull prepared to charge again, froze. The policewoman felt it was her duty to try to save them, despite the way they’d spoken to her.

“Don’t worry! It’ll be all right! I’ll distract him,” she shouted. She clambered over the stile into the field, ran forward, shouted and waved her arms. She succeeded in drawing the bull’s attention and the couple escaped. The bull charged her. She ran. She was fit and fast.

Unfortunately, she slipped on a cow-pat and fell. As she was getting up, arse in the air, the bull got to her, stuck its horn in her buttock and tossed her. She landed arse-first on the barbed wire fence. At first she thought she was trapped, but she got free at the expense of badly-torn trousers and panties and a scratched arse.

Then the bull was on her.

“I didn’t know being tossed by a bull meant that,” said the watching female walker a while later.

“It must have heard us call her a cow,” the man opined.



Local: “Last week was the farmers’ market. It was chaos! A pig went running down the High Street.”

Visitor: “Did they catch it?”

Local: “Yes, the farmers brought her down just outside Tesco Express. You should have heard her squeal!”

[Ambush-predator]

First Local Notable: “This new policewoman – graduate, upper-class accent, Hindu, inexperienced – not the obvious sort to get on with people here, is she?

Second Local Notable: “I understand she’s very keen. She smiles a lot and she’s chased that teen gang away from the corner shop.”

First Local Notable: “All very laudable, but does she have her ear to the ground?”

Second Local Notable: “As much as could be expected. The teen gang members are gang-banging her outside right now and her ear’s just about touching the ground.”


Old local: “I don’t know if this Islamophobia thing is overblown, but our local Muslims had a policewoman outside their mosque last Sunday. Mind you, I don’t blame them, with the arse she had on her, and they did let the rest of us have a go on her afterwards.”



First rich gentleman: “We had a big party at the old house last week, my daughter’s twenty-first, lots of young people. This policewoman came and complained about the noise. Well, you know young people, high spirits and all that. They tossed her in the swimming-pool.”

Second rich gentleman: “Isn’t your swimming-pool drained at the moment?”

First rich gentleman: “Would have been a lot harder for them to tear her clothes off and toss her if it hadn’t been.”

[Ambush-predator]

The importance of punctuation:

"Do you need any help?" said the kind young policewoman to the filthy old tramp.

"Do you need any...HELP!!!!" said the kind young policewoman to the filthy old tramp.

[Ambush-predator]

The billionaire above the law took a call on one of his phones.

“Greg, hang on a couple of minutes,” he said. “I’ve got a policewoman on the line.”

“That’s not important, George, is it?” Greg objected.

“It is when you’re fishing with one for Great Whites!”


Meeta was patrolling alongside a piece of waste ground when she heard a cry of “HELP! RAPE!” So she shinned over the high fence and raced towards sounds of a struggle.

Behind some bushes, there they were. A young woman, most of her clothes torn or missing, was rolling about locked in a desperate struggle with a young man who had already lowered his trousers.

Meeta acted swiftly and decisively. She grabbed the man, hauled him clear of the woman and cuffed him. The moment she had done that, she was felled by a cruel, cunning kick to her cunt from the woman.

The woman kicked her a few times more, contemptuously tugged her trousers off, lovingly slid her panties down and patted her plump arse.

“Oh dear, sweetie,” she said, fixing her strap-on. “Got it the wrong way round, didn’t you?”


PCs Susan and Damien were called to a pub brawl. Susan was young, but Damien was younger and still in his probationary period. As a graduate and a veteran of dealing with an armed robbery, Susan didn’t have full confidence in his intelligence or skill and didn’t want him cruelly shown up. So she viewed the melee and said,

“I’m going in. Watch my back.” He was very happy to watch her back, but when the big guy with the beer belly started fucking it, he couldn’t see it any more.


First man in a pub: “Darren and me played darts with a policewoman yesterday. She was pretty good.”

Second man in a pub: “Did she beat you?”

“First man: “No, we beat her. Then we raped her. Then we used her arse as a darts-board.”

[Ambush-predator]

The policewoman was chasing the teenage vandals when they clambered over a barbed wire fence. She followed, but got her trouser leg caught, slipped and ended up stuck with barbs in her tits and thighs.

The vandals came back. After they’d spray-painted her arse and shoved her baton up it, one girl asked,

“What’s it like to have a prick in your tits?”


The young policewoman chatted with the old Black man, smiled at his son and walked off. The son, staring at her receding arse, said,

“Shit! I’d like to rape that stuck-up bitch to pulp. I’d like to ram her azzhole and cunt until they met in the middle!”

“Son, those are natural, righteous, healthy, manly urges,” his father replied. “I was the same when I was your age. But she’s a policewoman. You and I can’t touch her. Her cunt and azzhole are inviolate.”

“I’ll be back,” said the lad. He returned much later and showed his father a ripped blue-purple wisp. “You were right, Dad!” he said. “They WERE in violet!”


The policewoman stopped the white van just as it was pulling away and gave the driver a lecture.

“First of all,” she said sternly, “you were parked on a double yellow line. Then when you pulled out, you didn’t indicate. That’s an offence, but I’m prepared to let it go just this time. Don’t do it again.”

The driver and his teenage son stared at her prancing away, the long, lithe legs, the plump, rounded buttocks pushing and slithering as she strutted proudly off.

“FUCKER! CUNT!” the driver growled.

“Yeah, Dad, whatever,” said the lad, getting out of the van.

Some time later he returned, dragging a beaten, bruised, bleeding, cum-plastered, whining, snivelling, sobbing mess.

“I done what you said, Dad,” the lad reported. “Can I fuck her arsehole too?”


The policewoman was concerned at reports of a suspected rapist lurking around on the golf course. She spoke to the Club Secretary.

“You’ll have to meet the members of the General Purposes Sub-committee,” he told her. “Can you make Saturday at twelve?”

Just before twelve on Saturday she arrived at the clubhouse. The Secretary welcomed her, showed her inside a room and locked it.

“These are the members,” he said, “and as you can see, John’s is the biggest. Now, gentlemen – three holes before lunch?”