I am in a different but similar situation. I am married, extremely vanilla husband who won't agree to share so that I can find someone to fulfill my desires and fantasies. I can't even go out in public and make myself vulnerable
Therefore, the fantasies push all kinds of crazy because the only way I will ever be raped is in my mind. The thought of dying and not having my dreams come true sucks. Also, the older I get, the less attractive to a man willing to take me by force I will become. I can't speak for how far my fantasies will go as much as I can for how far my realities will go. So far that I have thought about divorce, just to seek out my sexual desires.