Hey guys, I'm Kera. I'm new here. So a lot of you don't know me, and I'm not quite sure what to make of this place as some of the things I've read on here scare me. But I guess after years of trying to find a proper outlet, it seems I have found myself here. I can understand the hesitancy of someone you've just met telling you their life story.
I have a lot of baggage from my life. (That fact alone might cause people to tune out). Like other stories, I've been reading throughout this thread...I feel this sense of shame and confusion that I've kept to myself for the longest time. Even now, I can't make sense of it.
I was raped when I was 18. I'm 24 now. It was the classic Lifetime TV original movie you would see on cable access. My boyfriend at the time felt we had been in a relationship long enough that he was entitled to it. When I resisted, he backhanded me so hard I fell to the floor. He was angry. He kept going until he was satisfied and warned me not to say anything. I've internalized all that for the last six years.
Thing was. Nothing was ever done about it. I never told anyone.
Not even my immediate family.
Call it fear. Call it cowardice. Call it whatever you want. I guess in a way, to this day, I still feel like if I hadn't been so resistant, the whole thing wouldn't have happened. He wanted me one way or the other. I was certain no one would believe me. It would've been my word against his.
So now here I sit telling complete strangers something that I can't even tell my own parents or closest friends. I'm too embarrassed to face them. I've even started to get disgusted with myself and the fact that in a weird, sick, twisted way...in some capacity beyond my comprehension...I keep re-living it in my mind. I can't let it go.
So in all honesty, I don't know what I'm doing here. I'm sure I deserved it back then. It's the identity I've formed now. My life has never been the same since...
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