[Hailo]

I'm not quite sure if this will help anyone. I'm still angry even after so many years. Although i try not to portray any form of bitterness, i do find it very difficult to trust people. If you can't trust your mother then who can you trust eh?

I was 6 my cousin Kevin was 12. It started off at my grans house when he wanted to see what i had in my knickers. I can't remember if i thought it was okie or odd, i just remember pulling down my knickers and showing him and him doing the same. After that everytime we met, he would drag me somewhere quiet and begin to touch me.

I think i still have managed to block out most of what he did but i remember one day sitting in the sitting room and sitting on the sofa and asking my mum what sex was, at the age of 6.

My mum went to his and told Kevins mum and Kevin got the belt and we went home and never spoke about it. In fact i think the following week, we went to their house for dinner. My dad was never told what happened to me, so my mum had to pretend everything was normal.

Years later, another cousin abused me. Usedto make me sit on his lap and feel the bump in his trousers and used to make me rub it.

This bit, i have nevr told anyone. It's really cause with what happened above and what happened later in my life this was the worst and yet nothing as extreme as other peoples experinces. My dad had another argument with my mum one night, i must have been about 10 and i remember asking if he was ok and he asked me to come sit next to him in bed then he said for me to get on top of him and lie on him. Moments later, he told me to get off him. He didn't talk to me for days.

Even though he didnt actually do anything, it was the fact that i knew he was contemplating to do something to me. To this day, i still believe my parents shouldn’t have had me.
I left home as soon as i could and met a guy. He was a little posessive, i took it as he cared. Then he got abusive, began to munipulate everything and knew how to tear me into million pieces by breaking me down emotionally. It started to get violent a few months into the relationship and he knew i had no where to go. It began with him often telling me how much of a disgrace i was, as i had a few peircings at that time and that i was a whore as at that time i had slept with more than three people. Then began the raping.
He pinned me down, called me stupid and immature and that i was nothing and that i should be grateful that i was with him as he could have anyone but he picked me. We may have been togther but i never gave consent and he took what he wanted. The next day, he acted like nothing had happened. I plucked the courage and said about the night before and he looked at me and said he could do worse. Then pretty much everynight when i was sleeping he would force me to have sex. Why didn’t i leave him? He said he would kill me.
I left him finally but i still sleep at the edge of my bed. I don’t really trust anyone but you would never know if you met me. I have a big smile on my face and a ridiculous optimistic attitude but once shit like this has happened, you can see everyone’s true colours.

I really must add one very important aspect. Athough i have lost trust, there is one very special person in my life that see's something in me and that i was so shocked to see that i had managed to hurt him as he believed in me so much. It really did touch me and scare me. I still don't know how to react, as im shocked that someone see's something good in me as i can't see anything that great in myself. Thank you Mr Rotter.
Sorry,if i have depressed anyone. I just wanted to share my little bit.