Chi, i know that feeling very well.
Wanting it, and being afraid of it, and feeling ashamed for wanting it, and trying to figure out whether or not you really do want it, and sitting around mentally beating yourself up and wondering if there's something wrong with you; trying to rationalise your desires...
Ack.
i'm learning to be less neurotic and not stress over it so much.
i think it's natural.
Some people get a thrill out of danger. Some people want to be abused, for real. (Damn, now i have that Eurythmics song stuck in my head...
)
A lot of people might not agree that my desires are natural... But fuck 'em. i understand how my own mind and body work, and they don't.
To me, these desires feel as natural and healthy as can be.
As for how to fulfill them?
That's another story.
i have no idea if there's any safe way of doing that.
i guess that's why i'm at this board...hoping to develop more of a taste for the pretend stuff.
(PS; just thinking out loud...isn't it strange how we're allowed to talk about kind of wanting to be raped for real, but if a guy posted a thread saying "i kind of want to rape a girl for real" he would be verbally slaughtered?
i can see why that rule is in place, of course.
There are always a few morons who don't know the difference between "want to" and
"plan to" who will spoil freedom of speech for the rest of us).