[ChiTownHoney]

Just wanted to share some thoughts on something I realized about myself. I dont have rape fantasies often, or even a fair amount of the time. I dont even remember the last one I had. And I can probably count on my fingers how many really good ones I have ever had. I do have them, so dont get me wrong. However, I love the concept of rape the thought/possibility of being raped. Do I really belong on this site?

I always thought I liked rape because the good girl in me is not allowed to have sex. That may be a part of it too, but to be honest, there is probably something more.

I was working late the other day and everyone went home. I was maybe in the office till about 9 o'clock and there was a knock on the door and it was a delivery driver, he had to come in and drop some stuff off. He wasnt terribly sexy or anything, and I was annoyed that he even bothered me. I also I felt it was odd to get a drop off so late in the evening, it just seemed off and didnt sit right with me. But I opened the door for him, and turned my back to him to walk away and he followed me in. I felt such a strong presence from him behind me and a wave of fear came over me. I just got afraid all of a sudden, realizing I was all alone with this guy. I hoped nothing would happen, but I almost wanted it to, it was almost conflicting...Yes I would like it, no I dont want it.....

The FEAR that feeling caused. The unknowing-intuitive-somethings not right-unsettling-uncomfortable feeling is the BIGGEST aphrodisiac. And no fantasy can cause that....

I consider myself fairly good looking and am a small girl. I thought about what if he thought to himself that this is an opportunity and nobody was even around to stop him. He of course didnt do anything....much to either my relief or dismay...I'm not sure. and I am wondering...maybe its something I want. Again, I was not attracted to this guy...but something in me wanted to be violated for real, and this really disturbs me.

But to me, that little fleeting moment of possibilities in a real life (imagined?) predicament is SOOO much more enticing than any little fantasy I could conjure up in my mind.

So I dont know what category that leaves me here in the muck of perversion. Any thoughts are appreciated.