I was so sure I had locked the bathroom door. I must have imagined it like I imagined any security I was feeling at the moment. This time when he raped me he was cutting my forearm. I showed no emotion even though I felt anger and horrible depression. He was even trying to take over my cutting. After he left I cried a little and then got very calm like I always did when I was very depressed. I had wanted to fight this time but with the knife there I knew he could cause me pain. He must have thought that because I cut myself to feel that he could do the same thing and get the same response. What he didn't understand was that it was all about control. I had to cut myself. I had to be in control. If I wasn't controlling my pain, it wasn't the same thing.
I noticed the knife on the floor and picked it up. I looked at the light shine on it. I watched the reflection move across the room and thought about how it reminded me of sparkling diamonds. I knew what I had to do. I knew the answer. It was so simple.
The blood trickled down my chest as I thought about the rose design. Now I could go smell them. I could be surrounded by roses forever. I would never have to endure pain again. Everything was going to be alright now. I was at peace.
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