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ChiTownHoney · 11-13-2009, 01:09 AM

Ahhh my life never seems to quit me lol!

After so many years of living my life so numb, going out and messing with random dudes, partying, and playing games with people, I had taken the past few months to step back and examine myself. Its not easy, I had to face some terrible demons, and after doing that I felt even more empty. How can I live without something thats been apart of me for so long? I confronted the person within me that I didnt like, I looked up at the gigantic wall that hasnt allowed me to love for many years. Its tall, solid and locked, but the key is still in my possession. I know how lame that sounds, but its the wording I use to help me. I have gone through many excersises and have forgiven those who have hurt me. The next step is to forgive myself, which I cant do quite yet.

Anyhow, I still go out (I love attention, what can I say). I havent messed with a guy since (I think) 2 months ago. I got so use to the "booty call" status I have that I dont even think of another option.

Anyhow, I think I fell in love. I mean, I really dont know what love is, as I never was in love before, but I think this is it. I would give up the parties, the dudes, everything....if I had this guy at home. His smile, the way he talks to me, touches me, I think about him all the time...everything is different, music sounds better, the day is sunnier, everything in my life seems great when I think about him.

But are you kidding, it cant be that easy! He's married. He just got married about a year ago. His demeanor has changed after the past few months he was married. He doesnt try to spit game like he use to and he talks to me so calmly like a normal person. The connection is so there and I cant ignore it. I know that he doesnt really want me, he doesnt flirt or anything (not anymore) but I cant deny what I feel for him.

God I hate my life.

Why must everything be so difficult?

11-13-2009, 01:09 AM	#1
ChiTownHoney Pa'l Mundo Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: ObamaNation Posts: 2,460 Reputation: 33436	*sigh* Ahhh my life never seems to quit me lol! After so many years of living my life so numb, going out and messing with random dudes, partying, and playing games with people, I had taken the past few months to step back and examine myself. Its not easy, I had to face some terrible demons, and after doing that I felt even more empty. How can I live without something thats been apart of me for so long? I confronted the person within me that I didnt like, I looked up at the gigantic wall that hasnt allowed me to love for many years. Its tall, solid and locked, but the key is still in my possession. I know how lame that sounds, but its the wording I use to help me. I have gone through many excersises and have forgiven those who have hurt me. The next step is to forgive myself, which I cant do quite yet. Anyhow, I still go out (I love attention, what can I say). I havent messed with a guy since (I think) 2 months ago. I got so use to the "booty call" status I have that I dont even think of another option. Anyhow, I think I fell in love. I mean, I really dont know what love is, as I never was in love before, but I think this is it. I would give up the parties, the dudes, everything....if I had this guy at home. His smile, the way he talks to me, touches me, I think about him all the time...everything is different, music sounds better, the day is sunnier, everything in my life seems great when I think about him. But are you kidding, it cant be that easy! He's married. He just got married about a year ago. His demeanor has changed after the past few months he was married. He doesnt try to spit game like he use to and he talks to me so calmly like a normal person. The connection is so there and I cant ignore it. I know that he doesnt really want me, he doesnt flirt or anything (not anymore) but I cant deny what I feel for him. God I hate my life. Why must everything be so difficult? Last edited by ChiTownHoney; 11-13-2009 at 01:40 AM.