And felt compelled to flap my jaws via fingers on a couple of things posted.
I often pondered why I had rape fantasies - especially after being raped and sexually abused as a child. I mean - how fucked up does that seem? IT seemed majorly fucked up. I thought I was insane.
Then I figured out why.
I can control the fantasy. I can write about it. A 'psych enema' so to speak.
What I couldn't control was the babysitter's husband stuffing his fingers into my 4 year old vagina and making me sit on his lap while he dry humped me to his orgasm. I guess he felt my cunt and looked at his cock and figured he'd do serious damage if he did the deal for real. He was a slimy, fat bastard, and a prominent member of church and community.
It took me many years to remember that whole thing. It made me start to wet my bed and be afraid of the dark. I developed a speech impediment for a couple of years.. All stress related. That abuse lasted for well, ...it must have been a year and a half.
Fast forward to my mother divorcing her third husband.. I guess I was 10 or so. She went through 'boyfriends' indiscriminately. I woke one evening to some half drunk guy laying on top of me with his hand over my mouth.
His breath was foul. What he whispered to me was foul. How my mother was all passed out so and useless so he HAD to have me. How I'd be a virgin cunt and much better than her anyway. He'd be careful not to hurt me, I'd love his cock. He pushed his fingers into me and found my hymen already broken. Then I was a cockteasing slut, already not a virgin and boy howdy, I'd damn sure love his cock. He'd been worried I be too little for him but since I wasn't a virgin he could fuck me anyway he wanted to.
So he held me pinned, with a hand over my mouth and pulled my pajama bottoms all the way down, hefted up my legs a little and jammed in me. I of course was dry as a bone and hadn't even hit puberty. Didn't matter to this guy. He ripped open my shirt and bit my breasts - I wasn't even developed or anything.
It was excruitiating.
I told.
My mother didn't believe me... (rolls eyes) so many don't. Made me see a therapist who promptly asked me why I would make up such tales. I told my father and he went to court and got custody after he remarried.
Between the time I was living with my dad and up until 10 years ago.. I never remembered why exactly I went to live with him. I guess I told myself it was because my mother was going through such a hard time.
Funny how the mind works.
What's really the most horrible is when the people you trust betray you.
That's what I learned.
My father started having trouble with my stepmother.
In situations like that it's not uncommon that a father turn his daughter into his 'wife'. At least that is what I learned as a guardian ad litem for abused children. It's a common occurence within the family dynamic. Now obviously I'm talking dysfunctional family. Stepfathers do it as well.
So, from me fleeing a rape and my mother to my father - the knight in shining armour - he became a rapist.
The mindfuck of that is ugly.
Sexual abuse, assault, child abuse and rape, it steals any innocence and wonder a child has. It warps self image. I speak for myself here, but for a long time, I looked at myself as just a cunt to be used.
Leery of therapists - for reasons obvious to me anyway, I've self helped. Yes, it probably took me a lot longer to get to the healing part and to objectively speak of it, but there I am.
So.
It took a long time to understand why I had rape fantasies.
And why.
It's my way of taking control.
After all... after my rape - in fantasy - I can blow his brains out.
Interesting to note.. All three of the men that abused me are dead. All without being found out, even the guy I told on.. I wasn't believed.
Could I forgive a rapist? A child abuser? A child rapist?
Nope. Never. I don't buy that horseshit of 'what goes around comes around'. Plenty of fuckers out there living just fine with all the evil they commit. Bullit to the base of the brain, only thing that keep 'em from doing it again. God forbid they breed and make more abusers.
If I ever come upon it? I'd kill him myself for taking the life of the child. That's what he's done... whether in fact or if the kid just has to live with it. They's effectively stolen what is precious and fleeting enough as it is and made it the fault of the victim - for that is what SHE feels.
I sound bitter and really, I'm not. It's useless at this stage of my life. I fully intend to continue exploring what make me.. me, from my sexual kinks to why I behave as I do. Life is meant to be lived fully and I am not going to stint now that my ducks are in a pretty good row.
--------------
For all of you that had the courage to post of your experience, thank you.
For those that offered such understanding and compassion, thank you.
|