No, not actually, I could have got off my lazy ass, find a job and make myself useful, but up until then, I had lived in virtual isolation, except for a few isolated cases in which I was traumatized.
But the aspect of being desired, acturally being desired, not forced, but someone willing to pay for me, was new.
I felt suddenly empowered, confident, and new horizons appeared.
But, again, this is another trap. selling yourself is another form, oh so, subtle, of slavery. Soon, my tricks were forcing me to do more, and more for the same amount of money.
It was fine at first, never made any money like that, but the amount always, or nearly always stayed the same, maybe $10 or $20 dollars more, or less, but it hovered around the same median.
At first, it is an ego boost, but later, it becomes demoralizing, degrading, because you eventually realize that the customers have the control, not you.
Also, it has to do with the frame off mind you have then, and face it, I was a damn slut. I cared for nothing except for a few minutes of orgasmic pleasure, and money, if I made any money was just incidental.
Soon, since I was making money, school work began to appear superflous, and so I quit. I could make it on my own, I told myself, and I did.
I moved out of my fancy dorm, found a room in a building basement, and lived like a rat.
But who cares, I was having fun, living for the excitement of the streets, and the future? Heh, what future? Man, tomorrow is a long ways off, not to worry, you will stay young forever, Live, Live, for TODAY!!
It all came crashing down, when I began missing my period, and found out I was damn fucking pregnant.
That is when you realize that, hey my physics is weak, one of Newton's law of motion, to every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, comes to the full force in your personal life.
No, could have done nothing, and just got bored, believe me, it would have been so much easier, but ooohhh, no, had to do things the hard hard way.
I had always considered myself smart, superior intellect, always relished in the fact that I was so intellectually adept, but actually I was fucking stupid, dumb, beyond dumb.
So, getting bored, have nothing to do? damn, find some work.
You know, the old saying that the idle mind is the devil's workshop, is very true, at least it applies to me.
