Do you ever feel disgusted with yourself?
 

I've been turned on by the thought of rape since I was very young, before I even started masturbating. My first memory is when this TV program was on where an army woman got gang raped, which I saw by accident when walking into the living room. My mother told me it was horrible and whatever else, making me feel awful for being excited by such a thing.

As I've got older and gained access to the internet, my rape fetish has gotten stronger thanks to how easy it is to get porn. I have at times done things like my delete my entire porn collection out of feelings of disgust, later simply making a new one... I've stopped caring quite so much nowadays, though.

I'd never actually rape for real since, unlike the animals who do so, I care enough to know it fucks up lives. However, knowing that doesn't stop me thinking about how sick my mind must be for me to be turned on by rape when others are sickened by the thought of it.

Has anyone else ever felt the same way?

No, i have never blame myself for something i havent done.

Well, certainly to some rape fantasies are harder or more ... disturbing ... to handle and accept.
Since rape is a crime and a horrible act against another human it is only natural to wonder or feel guilty about having them - especially when someone close (in this case your mother) feels disgusted by it.
In essence however it is nothing more than another sexual fetish like any other possible one. It is no different than fantasising about big-breasted women, black men, feeling sexually aroused by shoes and whatnot.
The only difference is no one gets harmed in such fantasy when rape fantasies required someone "getting hurt".
Still - it is just another fetish (one you haven't chose to have I might add), so there's no rational reason to feel disgusted by yourself! It is however a natural human reaction to fantasies about harming someone else, so there's no need to be irritated by that as well.
Just try accepting your rape fantasies for what they are: Just another sexual fetish.

It wasn't just seeing a clip from a scene and hearing my mom say it was horrible; she revealed a few years later that she had first been raped multiple times as a child by her brother when she as very young (family didn't believe her), then went on to say she'd been raped as an adult when on holiday in Greece. You can imagine how I felt after I'd watched so many (fantasy, obviously) rape clips.

I think of it as a simple fetish now, but other people who don't have that fetish are unable to share the same view points because of the emotions rape stirs up.

Yes...yes I have. And like you, I also have had an extensive porn collection that I tend to delete after a while.

Kami -

I'm a woman and I'm also a rape victim, so I nominate myself qualified to say this. Being turned on by fantasies of rape is NOT wrong. You should NOT feel guilty. Watching porn, reading/writing stories, posting on boards like these - all these are socially acceptable and (dare I say) healthy ways to scratch that itch. Sexual tastes vary, after all, even among people who consider themselves "normal". (Nobody reading this qualifies as normal, thank God)

There are so many reasons for us all to beat ourselves up, for God's sake don't add this to the list. Find a lady with similar ideas and GO FOR IT.

do you fall into that last sentence? ~.^ and no, these fantasies are A-OK, just dont do em and your in the clear ^_^ now, back to sierra.....:p

As this is a rape topic, I've moved it to General Rape.


and no is the answer. :)

A long time ago, I would feel a little ashamed that I had rape fantasies, but I quickly outgrew it :D

Sierra: That's quite disturbing - Getting raped and then enjoying viewing/reading rape stuff. Surely you wouldn't be able to enjoy watching rape videos at all due to painful memories? I shouldn't imagine I'd ever give in to my urges if, for example, some guy raped me up the arse.

To be honest, it's quite worrying if people who come on here have never felt it wrong to masturbate while watching rape videos. Those are the sort of people who could be real rapists, and it's pretty safe to say some real rapists do visit here. If people know it's wrong and have thought about it, you know they aren't the sort who would go out and actually do it.

I've had stretches where I felt guilty. I think a lot of people have; it's an understandable reaction to grasping the horror of real rape, and thinking, "What's wrong with me for wanting that?" But I don't want real rape, and I presume you don't either. Rape fantasy is no more about wanting the reality than a shoot-em-up video game is about wanting to kill people. It's separating the bits that do appeal in a lot of people's heads from the genuinely wrong bits.

Me getting off to imagining being raped, reading stories about it, going to chat rooms, role-playing online, or even acting it out in a safe environment with fellow consenting adults doesn't hurt anyone. No one's being raped by my fantasy life, and as long as you can say the same thing, there's nothing wrong with it.

Kami, I've heard of a lot of people who've been raped and still get off to the fantasy. It generally has to do with control; fantasies only do what you let them, and videos, unlike real rape, come with an off-switch. People have different reactions to rape trauma. Some people couldn't get off to rape fantasy after being raped. Some people have rape fantasies partly as a coping mechanism. And for some people, they're just two separate things.

Kami, I'm pretty sure you'll find a number of female members, victims of rape themselves, coming out and saying they do in fact enjoy reading and viewing the content here, if they're not tired of saying so many times before. If you think about it, with roleplay it makes perfect sense, because they are in complete control this time.

From time to time, I try to stop watching it and delete my collection, but always come back.

Heh. Think you can handle it? Why the hell would I hang out with you reprobates if I didn't fall into that category? :skull-big

Kami, Rogue is correct. It might sound very odd that someone who was the victim of forced rape would be interested in becoming the "victim" of a consensual rape fantasy. But . . . can you imagine a better way to exorcise the demons and nightmares that forced rape leaves behind? In a fantasy the "rapist" plays by my rules. The script in my mind has been re-written from terror and pain to fun and arousal. It's been MUCH better therapy than that constipated psychologist bitch I was paying $100 an hour.

Nice Sierra. I am happy for you. :skull-thu :)

Thanks to bad parentage, I was disgusted by myself even before I discovered my rape fantasies, so it was just another familiar feeling you stop paying notice to.

Many times i've felt disgusted with myself for getting off on rape, in fact i was thinking of posting a thread just like this but you have saved me the trouble.

It's something i'm not proud of, but it's how my mind is wired and i suppose as long as i can separate fantasy from reality then there is no harm. When i was much younger and was only getting introduced to the idea of rape fantasy being my fetish, i was always very interested in REAL rape stories. I quickly learned that rape is a heinous crime, and i am always sickened to hear real stories.

Like many i have a fairly extensive collection of porn, and on a few occasions i have deleted it out of guilt. It wouldn't surprise me if i do it again. The jury is still out in my mind as to whether by downloading rape porn i'm vindicating rape or just scratching my itch.

I used to feel great shame about my rape fetish. Which is why I, too, find this board so therapeutic. The only time you will hear rape talked about so openly is on the evening news, when another offender is sent to prison, and everyone feels better. So for years, the only exposure I had to the subject was rape = prison. I felt like a criminal without ever harming another person.

With this board, however, I've discovered a like-minded community of what I would consider completely normal, healthy, sexual beings, acting upon their desires in a responsible fashion. A far cry from the imprisoned rapists that couldn't control their actions.

I no longer feel guilty. The person I have become is not as much dictated by my thoughts as by my actions. I have chosen a way to fulfill my fantasies without harming anyone in the process. I actually feel rather proud about how I've handled what was an awkward set of feelings from when I was an adolescent.

And just bought an external hard drive, so no intentions of deleting my porn collection.
:skull-big