The competitive male
 

I decided to make this thread as the topic of dating I think has been popular lately.

I've dated different guys and thought that I had a good "game", now I am a little older and am (or think I am) quite through with the immature games.

But since I got out of my long term relationship, it seems like I am quite out of "the game" apparently. Nothing I do, or use to do before, works, at least not with the guys I really want. I have ALWAYS played hard to get, since I first started dating at 16. I never called guys, never made the first move, seemed oblivious, yet put out an irresistable vibe at the same time. A challenge, you know?

Do men like that? I have heard that they do, but at the same time, maybe it doesnt work for all men.

What about the men who can have any woman, and they have women left and right calling them and texting them? Are they use to the easiness of it all, or do they want the woman who seems unattainable? OR do they just skip on past her because they do not believe that they have to work hard at all?

Are men who are competitive in areas like sports more likely to like a challenge?

I know that human beings progress because of the need for a challenge, does that same concept apply in dating?

Oh oh oh....playing hard to get works GREAT....with guys I really dont want.

There is a man I am very interested in...and he's been acting freakin' weird lately and now I dont know if my hard-to-get vibe just turns him off, or I am playing it too good...or he is playing his OWN game, because that can be the case...since he has groupies of women following him around, as he is quite the stallion and loves the ladies apparently.

I always thought that the easier it is to get, the less you want it.

Is this true?

You should read Stendhals book 'Le Rouge et le Noir'.
It's about a woman loosing her interest for a man since she knows he has fallen for her. I did not read it but I've been told it leads to a lot of conclusions related to your topics.

Some men are above sex. Not because they had too much, not because they are kind of traumatized, but just because their mind just don't work like everybody else's mind. I know a guy who is rather normal, who could have girlfriends just like anyone else, but just doesn't pay a second thinking about it because he is constantly thinking about his job and passion : computing engineering. He is the sweetest guy on Earth, always ready to help, always ready for a good laugh, he could even go out sometimes, he went to work in Dublin lately for 7 months so he got used to the beer/pubs culture but that wouldn't change him. He is not competitive at all. I'm pretty sure if one day he makes a discovery that could make the computer world two steps ahead and another guy made the same discovery a week later, he would not even move his ass from his seat to say to his boss 'Hey look I though about that first'. This guy doesn't give a shit about popularity. I would bet anything competition is not what leads his mind. He's just a very simple person who loves his job, but he is not after fame or flesh. He just likes technicality. As far as we are not animals, we can't all follow the same lines, even if a lot of man could be considered animals because of the amazing stupidity of their behaviours.

Maybe the man you're interested in is not playing any games at all, maybe he is someone who's not even trying to work out an image with girls, and that's why you find him weird. Perhaps if you loose any calculation and go straight to the point with him you would understand him better.

Just my thoughts ....

i think games are a waste of time when trying to hook-up . life is to short for them most of the time . if you want somebody , let it be known . once you get to know them play games you both like to play .

i don't mind a strong independent woman that knows what she wants . i'm not into the whole "chasing" , "you call me but i won't call you" type stuff . i think it's a two way street , you have to put in some effort (that i can see and know about) to make me want to continue trying to spend time with you .

that is just me and the way i feel about it .

I know one thing, which is common for both sexes. You want the most what you can not have :)
So playing yourself unreachable is a good way, but only if he already has some interest in you. And he can be playing it the same way, if he thinks, you have some interest in him. Especially if he is surrounded by other ladies :rolleyes:

Maybe one poker theorem too :) Winning player is an opposite of loosing player. So if you want to win, play opposite of the others (who are loosing).

Here it should mean probably: be special, something new, interesting.

Not for all men, not all the times. I think depends on what the guy is interested about at the given time. If he's out for sex, he wont spend any time for the "difficult" type.
For most men, sex flirt and dating are distinguished and different things.
I am not sure someone who spends his day in very competitive environment wants the same for his personal life... he might need to relax some time.

Its true, but not that simple. As you've stated in the past, women are defined by their beauty (regardless if this is right or wrong, it happens). I believe that playing hard to get wont help much if you're not in the top 5 of the girls in the place at the given time. Most probably, you'll attract the guys that you would reject without second thought! :)

lmao

i'd want the one that is in the middle of them !!! the one that doesn't call all the time , but does call me . but that isn't to say those two would be discounted either . every person has their own qualities , their own reasons for liking or disliking them .

but as a rule if you give off a signal of "i don't want you" then i respect that and don't bother with you . why waste my time ? oh i might try to talk to you from time to time to see if it's changed . ;) :)

Exactly. I'm not going to go all over the place trying to call attention on a woman who is constantly telling me she doesn't want me.

My not so subliminal message is usually this: "Hon, make up your mind. Are you interested? Yes? No? Let me know either way. In the meantime, I'll be busy with someone else."


And, believe it or not, this has worked for me.

The fact is, many women want a man who is strong enough to be able to leave them or live without them if the necessity arises. It may seem kind of freakish to think in those terms but women want a man who is independent. A man who can stand on his own. A man who needs a woman, but who at the same time, can do without her just fine if he has to. No man who is too needy is ever respected by the female of the spieces.

And not begging a woman for attention, even at the very early stages of the relationship, is a way of showing that you are not a pussy. You are not desperate.

I've never, ever, gone out of my way to try to "seduce" a female who has rejected my first, tentative advances. I know many men do that, and it's fine. In fact, I had a friend who pursued this chick for months until she finally relented, went out with him on a date, accepted his marriage proposal, and now have two kids. So it's fine.

I'm just not the kind of man who does it that way, that's all.

If a woman sends the wrong signal from the beginning, I move on to the next one. If she ever changes her mind, hopefully I'll still be there. And if I'm with someone else... well, tough luck, hon. Like I said before: hey, beautiful, you should have let me know sooner.:skull-big

You don't have much of a choice but to let him win this round.

OK, you tried, the "indifference" thingy and it didn't work. In fact, it backfired. Now, you will have to send "positive" signals so that he becomes -hopefully- receptive again.

Ignore his coldness for the moment. Chances are it's just an act; like a tit-for-tat kind of thing. Pretend you "deserve" it, kind of... he has shown you he can do it just as well as you can. No problem. OK, OK. I get the message: two can play the game. You win. Let's move on now.

As a woman, you know guys like to think they are in control.

One trick women always play on us ( because it almost always works... :skull-big ) is the "helpless" approach. The "damsel in distress" move.

No, I'm not asking you to become an idiot over night. Leave that to the likes of me, who have more practice.

I'm just saying... ask him to help you with something you "don't understand," or that you "need help with..." and then show yourself grateful. A smile and a warm thanks will do, at first. Just to kind of break the ice.

Of course, make sure that when this little soap opera scene takes place you are both alone so no other idiot interferes and tries to help when you are not asking him... The world is full of inopportune Rasputins who want to assist when they are not wanted.:skull-big

Naturally, never come to him with "Why are you so cold to me lately?" That invites confrontation. But, in time, and when the appropriate moment arises, you could perhaps suggest that sometimes you are not a very good judge of character and that you -mistakenly, of course- thought of him a bit distant in the past. You know, as if he was worried about something ( not that he didn't give you the time of day, or was playing games, bien sur... just suggest that perhaps he looked "worried":skull-big )

Play your cards wisely. Like I said, let him win this round, if you will. It's OK. It's all for a good cause: you want to get in his pants. Some day, he will be grateful to you!!!:skull-big

I was really interested to see the guys' responses to this. The "hard to get" act never worked for me, either. The quality guys had enough self-confidence that they would just move on if I didn't respond to them at first.

I'm also newly single and not really knowing how to approach guys. I did find one thing out. As soon as I wasn't looking any more the guys flocked around me.

I wondered why. On reflection, I think it's because I stopped trying so hard. I wasn't thinking to attract anyone, wasn't plotting strategy, and didn't "play the game". I started looking at the guys as people and potential friends rather than taking the somewhat predatory view I had when I was looking to hook up. I also got to know them a lot better and could make a better judgment about whether we were compatible or not.

My own experience might help you here. If you really like this guy, forget the games. Pretend you are already committed and are just being friendly. Once you start relating to him as a human being rather than a potential boyfriend and stop trying to "get" him and just explore the possibility of a friendship instead you might be surprised at what happens.

wise words!
 

Lets look at this from another perspective. The problem you're having is that your old game no longer seems to work. It has been like that ever since you got out of a long relationship, so you're conclusion is that it's you who is rusty.

But is it so? There is another possible factor you are overlooking: age (read: expirience). Your "game" is not a very original one, and guys that have been around some have had it used on them quite a lot. Even the smallest pea brain catches on eventually, so the odds are the guys you're playing these days (I'm assuming you've been interacting with guys your own age) are aware of what you're up to.

So... the solution? Either come up with a new game for this Brad Pitt clone you're hung up on or watch "The Graduate" for some pointers :skull-big

I like a little fun [the game], but as in every game, you sometimes have to change your tactics.

Personally I've always found someone with a little intellegence better than a beauty with none.

It really down to what situation you are in, which when I'm pissed down the local is probably not the best time to indulge in indepth conversation. :-)

There is also a fine line between playing 'the game' and being mean.

Sorry to hear your guy problems turned south, but you gotta say fuck 'em, more fish in the sea, you seem like a smart girl, you'll be fine.

The last post brought up another topic, dating at work, i think they say something like 65% (total guess) of relationships start at work, cuz its the people you send half of your time with. But in my experience they're not a good idea, eventually the relationship goes sour and then wooo hooo get ready for the awkwardness.

As far as the games (referring to acting uninterested), i think ego nailed it on the head. For me it really just depends on my mood for that day. Most of the time i like to chase a girl, because i am dumb. But sometimes i'll meet a girl who i may have been interested in, she acts uninterested and i decide it isn't worth the effort, when on any other day i may have went after her, it just depends.

rasputin refered to the damsel in distress routine, which i too have always been a sucker for. Which is why my dating life has been so fucked up, i can't help but be attracted to a woman with a problem.

menace brought up an interesting point with regards to age. Which i have always wondered. Right now for people my age (23) it seems that the hard to get routine still works for guys and girls. i wonder (read: hope) if this will change as we get older.

Not that any of this matters, i think if you're attracted enough to a person, you're going to at least try a little for them.

good luck chi town

sorry, i'm long winded

Speaking about games, keep in mind that game is good, but it has to end sometime. Or, it has to have a progress, progress to the direction both "players" want. Personally, if i notice that a girl goes just for the game i'll stop considering her a potential "target" for dating or sex; i'll consider her a game and i will play with her.
Probably, i'm gonna be accused for that in the end, i'm gonna listen that we (men) are all pigs, that we dont respect women, that we think with our dick and similar things. And i should respond that this is her game and that i play it good because i've seen them playing it on me enough times, but i wont. I'll listen silent as the grave because i'll feel sorry.
For her.



A players attract A players. B players attract C players. I dont know if its a law, but it happens all the time.

I believe that attractive women do not need to do that. Just put your high heels on! ;)
And i think that looking at them puts them in stress. A glance at the right time with the right smile will let them know that you are interested and that they have a chance. The rest should be their job.


Are you afraid that they will figure out you like them? Is that what makes you nervous?

Chi, chances are we will never meet and we are different people but if you could just for one second listen to the virgin-frigid freak I am : please open your mind and just give me the benefice of the doubt for one thing :

There are people who NEVER calculate anything about woman. Maybe it's a cultural difference you can't understand, but French men can act 100% spontaneous with women. I've seen it in parties many times. A friend of mine telling me he was interested in a girl and when she talks to him, he says sorry I gotta go take a shit, I'll talk to you in five minutes. Guess what ? They dated few days later. Would you be able to turn your brain off and just say what comes accross your mind ? I think that would free you up and you'll notice people around you are reacting differently. You can train yourself on me if you want. Go ahead, say the first thing that crosses your mind.

Are you saying I'm a "B", that I'm low and ugly?

Haha I don't think he means that, but anyway.

Males, in general, as a rule of thumb, are competitive in nature. They tend to want to focus on the idea of achieving or proving something. If there's a girl they really like, and the girl isn't interesting, it's only natural for the male to be even more attracted to that girl.

I think in most cases girls that aren't as easily wooed are more valued to the guys.

ha, i think it just depends on the guy you're dealing with. I know the one time i came out and told a girl i was into her right when i knew, it crashed and burned, hence the reason that i tend to 'play hard to get' for lack of a better phrase.
as far as trying to hard, its always a really cool thing to me when a girl is completly herself, especially if that means being at least a little goofy. Anyway, i ramble again. Agreed it does suck, guys and girls, we really really need a realistic third option.

You are what you declared you are... the A players I know do not need any tricks; they set the game.


I dont believe that being into someone is embarrassing. And sure, guys can be jerks really easy. Some "good" guys however, might be lost because they were afraid of being rejected.
Choice is yours.